Flat-Out Celeste(Flat-Out Love II)

The Shape of Us

“Usually it’s more crowded here, but it’s not really tourist season right now, so we get the view all to ourselves. Also, I paid everyone to stay away.” Justin held her hand as they walked across sandstone and past the ice plant that covered the area. “Careful. It gets slippery here, so watch your step. There’s a super-steep path that goes down to the water, but I don’t want to take you down there without better shoes. Sometimes people sleep down there on the beach. Couples and stuff. But this is the spot I told you about right here. Where people jump off into the water. It’s illegal, but people do it anyway. You just have to be careful that you don’t jump on anyone.”

Celeste peered over the edge of the cliff area. It was a good jump. Not insanely terrifying, but a very high jump indeed. “This is the place you wrote about in your texts?”

“Yes.” He looked at her curiously. “Why? Do you want to do it?”

“No,” she said quickly. “Never.” Finn would have. Matt would. Even Julie. But she would not. “There is no reason to.”

“It’s not for no reason.”

“What’s the reason?”

“It’s different for everyone.”

“Tell me more about why you jump.”

He looked down and kicked a pebble out into the ocean. When he lifted his head, the light caught his face in such a way that he managed to look all the more handsome to her. She loved the shape of his face, his full lips, his perpetually disheveled hair. Celeste was again achingly aware of how much he meant to her. It bordered on painful.

“I suppose,” he said, “that I jumped for a lot of reasons. Is this good?” He surveyed the rocky cliff and seemed satisfied. “Yeah. Let’s sit.”

Celeste took a seat next to him and took in the unbelievable skyscape. The dark ocean rolling out before them, the jagged and richly-colored cliffs, and the sun brilliantly orange and just starting to finish its day with them.

“I came out here last year and hurled myself off the side. No, don’t look worried. It wasn’t like that. It was an empowering choice. I guess… I don’t know. I’d been struggling a bit with who I was. Accepting that I’ve got pretty decent attentional issues. I have struggles. I’m probably diagnosable, but I don’t really care to know. I’ve figured out how to work with my wiring for the most part. I hit a point when I finally got comfortable with that and with knowing that some people won’t get me. That’s okay. But I had years and years of baggage to deal with. Look, you spend your entire life with people telling you how annoying you are, or that you’re dumb and will never manage more than a menial job… That’s a lot to get over. I like proving them wrong. All the teachers who never bothered to see past certain pieces of me? All the kids who tortured me when I still stuttered? Screw them, you know? I’m proud of myself. I like myself now. So I jumped to maybe celebrate that. Because I was grateful that I dealt with what I had to, and I got myself to a place where I could enjoy a gorgeous view like this one. I was happy enough to do that.”

Celeste was quiet. She eased into Justin’s hold as he wrapped his arms around her to watch the sunset. She understood why couples did this sort of thing together. It was, she recognized, undeniably clichéd. Yet, God, it was breathtaking.

“Whatcha thinking about there, sweets?” he asked.

She focused on the pattern that the sun was making across the water. “Did you see me today? Did you see what happened with your friends?”

“What do you mean?”

“That they did not react unfavorably to me.”

“Celeste…” He pulled her in more. “Not everybody is an a*shole.”

“Do not say a*shole. Foul language is uncalled for here and should be saved for special occasions. But I am thinking that I, too, am diagnosable.” She took a long, slow breath while he waited. “Sometimes I begin to type in words to do an internet search, but then I stop.”

“And why do you stop?”

“Because I am scared.”

“Would you find something helpful? Would you find something that would make you change? I don’t know about you, but I’d hate that.”

She said nothing.

“Celeste, you are who you are. Don’t be ashamed of yourself. At all. Surround yourself with people who cheer you on. That’s all.”

“I would hate to have a label. To be categorized.”

“I agree. I feel the same way. For some, for many probably, it’s helpful. But there are spectrums of personality types, and I don’t believe everyone belongs on a chart.”

“I have not had many friends. People find me weird; I know that. I have tried—really, really tried, Justin—to conform, but I do believe there must be something quite wrong with me that I fall outside the spectrum of what is perceived as normal.”
   



“You just explained it,” he said softly.

“What?”

“What is perceived as normal. That makes it other people’s failings. Deficits. Not yours. Who the hell sets the standards, huh? Who gets to say how we are supposed to be? Or who we are supposed to be? And how dare anyone make you feel inadequate for being who you are? It’s not okay. It pisses me off.”

“You are angry,” she commented.

“Well, yeah. Aren’t you? I want to destroy anyone who has hurt you for a dumb reason like just being yourself. What? Do we want the entire universe made up of people who are all clones of each other? How damn boring would that be? You know the expression that love makes the world go ‘round? That might be true, but love comes from the way differences interact. How personalities interact. How we bounce off of each other, challenge each other, and how we push and pull. It’s through those tensions that we connect with others and with ourselves. And it’s how we fall in love. Because there is magic in diversity. Without the Celestes, the world wouldn’t go ‘round. Do you see that?”

“I would offer that is the Justins that make the world go ‘round.”

“Justins, Celestes, whatever.” He sighed. “You don’t see it yet, do you? You don’t see who you are and what you have to offer. You will, though. When you’re ready, you will. One day, you won’t be surprised when people are nice to you. Or,” he said as the sun dropped below the water line, “when they love you.”

She nodded, trying to trust his words.

“Something else to consider,” he started, “is that you don’t want to miss out on people. If you assume everyone is out to get you, then you’re going to shut them down before they have a chance to prove you wrong. So…” He sighed. “I don’t want that for you. I see you leaving that behind, so don’t stop.”

He was right.

For now, she listened to the water hitting the rocks and inhaled the sea air while she nestled into Justin’s hold.

Later, when it was totally dark and a chill took over the evening, Justin took her to dinner. Rustic Kitchen, he told her, was his favorite restaurant in the entire city, and that said a lot because San Diego offered excellent dining. She had tuna sashimi with guacamole and grapefruit, a most unusual combination that she decided worked so well, it was almost sensual. And the burrata that Justin had mentioned in one of his first emails: it was bliss, the mozzarella cream unlike anything she had ever tasted. Maybe everything had a sensual quality tonight because of the company.

After, they walked across the street to Chocolat Bistro, where Justin fed her truffles, and then to a flower shop. Together, she and Justin selected lilies, hydrangea, gerbera daisies, and a few roses. She thought it silly for him to buy her flowers when she would be gone soon and not able to enjoy them fully, but he insisted. Celeste watched with interest as the shopkeeper held the flowers up in the air and intricately wove string through the stems to tie the bunch together. Then he wrapped the bouquet in plastic and then brown paper before he presented her with the mammoth bundle.

When they were in the car, she struggled to fasten her seatbelt until Justin lifted the bouquet and set it in the back seat. “I think we got carried away with the flowers,” he said laughing.

“Perhaps a bit. But they are very elegant. Thank you. And thank you for dinner and dessert. I feel quite spoiled by this most romantic date.”

“You are more than welcome.”

Her text alert sounded, and she looked to see a message from Matt. “Oh dear. It seems Matthew’s day of martinis and a second book called The Road to Reality: A Complete Guide to the Laws of the Universe has gotten the best of him, and he is going to bed.”

“I hope he’s in better shape tomorrow when you surprise him with his ex-girlfriend.”

“Yes. I’d almost forgotten about that because you have kept me very busy and distracted today. I am looking forward to what I feel sure will be a joyous reunion.”

“I like your positive attitude, but don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.”

“I know them, Justin. I know that there is still love between them, and Matthew is not moving on with his life without her. He is stuck, part of him still hoping to reconnect with his one true love. They have not seen each other in two years, and it will take one look between them for whatever silly problems they’ve created to evaporate.”

“If you say so,” Justin said skeptically. “So, should I take you back to your hotel? You must be tired. Probably a bit jet lagged, huh?”

“Yes, the hotel, please.”

The drive felt eternal, the Saturday night traffic slowing them down, and she was antsy to be alone with Justin.

Finally, they reached the hotel. “You will come in, right?” she asked. “You’ll stay? You’re staying, right? You can’t leave.”

Justin smiled. “Easy there. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay. Good. I… just wanted to make sure.”

He had the valet take the car, and they rode the elevator up to her floor in silence. She loved how he looked at her with such affection, the way he didn’t take his eyes off of her as they passed floor after floor. They tiptoed into the room, and she was relieved that Matthew’s door was closed.

“Not that I condone Matthew’s weekend of drinking, but it is working in my favor. I prefer not to parade you past him and into my bedroom, but I would do so if necessary.”

“Aren’t you all brazen this weekend?” he said with a bit of pride. “Flying on airplanes, marching your boyfriend around… I like it.”

“Justin, I have done some thinking today,” she said, leading him into her room and gently shutting the door.

“Okay….” Justin sounded nervous now.

“I haven’t been carried away and made any giant decisions. Don’t worry. But I do want to talk to you.”

He nodded and followed her as she crawled onto the bed. He lay on his side and smiled. “Okay. Let’s talk.”

“I think it is important to have open communication. About our physical relationship.”

“I agree.” He put his hand to hers, intertwining their fingers.
   



“You talked this morning about steps. And firsts. And I assume that you’ve had many more firsts in this area than I have.”

Justin took a deep breath and looked a bit embarrassed. “You want to know if I’ve had sex.”

She nodded. “You are about to turn twenty years old. It would certainly not be unusual. I just think it’s a good idea for me to know.”

“I understand that. So… yes,” he said, somewhat reluctantly. “I have. I had a girlfriend for a little while last year, and to be truthful, I think I felt pressured. Not really from her, but just… I don’t know.” He thought for a minute. “Looking back, I don’t think it was the right choice for me. I mean, it’s not like I didn’t want to at all’ I’m not going to lie,” he said laughing. “But I think that I should have waited. I wasn’t really in love. It didn’t mean what it should have. But I did let myself feel the pressure to do what it seemed like everyone else was doing. I’m not particularly proud of saying that, but it’s true.”

“Justin, I am not judging you.”

“No, I know you aren’t. It’s one of the things I love about you. That you don’t judge people. Ever, really. Although, as I said, I do think you assume that people won’t like you. But that’s different. You’re still kind to everyone. Always. You’re a very good listener, and you’re very understanding. Look, I felt pressured, and it’s not the end of the world for me. Yeah, I’d probably make a different choice if I were in the same situation now, but I’m not going to drown in what I can’t change. I just want to be sure that you don’t ever, not for one split second, feel as though you need to do something with me that you don’t want to. Fully.”

“You don’t need to worry about that.” She reached a hand up and lowered his mouth to hers. They kissed gently.

“It’s just, I would feel awful if—”

“Justin,” she cut him off with a smile. “Do. Not. Worry. I told you that I have done some thinking. So you are clear, this is not about your wanting things and my simply agreeing or not agreeing. I want things too. I want intimacy and touch too.” She paused. “I was going for your method of directness, and now I am a bit uncomfortable.”

“I think these conversations are naturally awkward, but I think we still need to have them.”

“Yes,” she agreed.

“But maybe we can make it easier.” He smiled and gave her a deeper kiss, his tongue moving into her mouth just enough to tease her. “So, kissing is obviously something you want. That stays on the approved list.”

“It does.”

“So what else makes up the list?”

“This morning… you kissed my neck… a spot that felt very good.”

“Ahhh,” he whispered. “This spot right here?” He lowered his mouth and—ever so slowly—brushed his lips down her neck, landing just below her ear.

“Yes, and back just a little,” she said.

She felt his tongue touch her skin, moving where she wanted, and she instinctively moved her hands until she was stroking his arms. “Yes,” she said a bit breathlessly. “Exactly there.” She turned into him, enjoying the way he took his time with her, not rushing, not making her feel in any way as though this was not something he would willingly and happily do all night.

“And I might very well like it,” she finally continued, “if your hands moved here…” With her hand over his, she moved to her waist, slipping under her shirt and across her stomach. “And higher.”

“That’s what you want?” he whispered.

“Yes,” she whispered back. “And another thing.”

“Tell me.”

“I don’t think you need your shirt on. Nor will I need anything on my top. I want… to feel you against me. That closeness. The shape of you and the shape of me.”

“And the shape of us.”

“Yes.”

Justin moved so that he could ease her shirt up a hint and kiss her stomach. “So waist up?” he confirmed. “You’re good with that?”

“I’m not just good with it. That sounds as though I’ve had to agree. It’s what I choose.”

“I’m kind of a fan of that choice.” He lifted up on his arms so that his body was above her and they were eye to eye. “And you’ll tell me if you change your mind.”

Celeste glided her palms under the back of his shirt, touching his lower back as she had this morning. She nodded, rather distracted by the feel of his body under her hands. The curve of his spine, the muscles that were taut, the heat that radiated from his skin.

“Celeste?”

“Yes. I’ll tell you.” She was barely conscious of her own voice.

“Because I might take off my shirt and you might be horrified by the giant Winnie the Pooh tattoo that covers my chest. Honey pot and all.”

She laughed. “I would have guessed Tigger, but I will not be horrified.”

“And the Hot Rod Mama tattoo on my back.”

“I certainly don’t believe that.”

Justin dipped down and pressed his mouth to hers, his lips soft but assured. “I think you should check.”

“I think,” she said happily as she began to lift his shirt, “that I should indeed check.”

“This is getting significantly less awkward,” he said with a grin. “See? I knew we could do it. Just a little honesty goes a long way, and now I feel closer to you. Don’t you feel closer to me? And please do not be disappointed when you learn the truth about the tattoo thing, okay? You’ve been reading all those books with alpha males and their full-body tattoos, so I’m probably going to be a huge disappointment when you don’t find anything. If you really want, I could get one, although I have a low threshold for pain, so there may be crying involv—”

“Justin?” She giggled and touched a finger to his lips. And as she looked into his eyes, she raised the shirt more until he lifted an arm to help get it over his head. Celeste lowered her gaze and took in his bare upper body. Involuntarily, she took a rather ragged breath. “Stop. Talking.”
   



And so he did.





Shifting Gears

Celeste glared at Matt. “That is what you’re wearing to lunch?”

“What?”

“Don’t Stop Me From Having a Helvetica Good Time? Do you not have one single shirt uncluttered with a saying of some sort?”

“We’re just going to a casual restaurant. Unless the dress code requires a three-piece suit—and in that case I’m probably not going—then I see no problem with what I’m wearing.”

Celeste sighed. Well, Julie would probably find it endearing, but there was part of her that hoped he might wear something more stylish and handsome. She walked over to him and pulled at his wrinkled sleeve and smoothed down bunching fabric that hung over his jeans. “Have you completed your alcohol-consumption spree? I should hope so. You look puffy. You are probably dehydrated and need water. It is too bad you chose to continue sullying your body with cocktails because you got some color yesterday during your poolside respite, and you might look a bit more dashing were it not for the—”

“What’s going on?” He frowned. “You’re acting more than a little high-strung today.”

“What? Nothing! Nothing is out of the norm! Right, Justin? Tell him. Everything is as it always is, only with the addition of sunshine and lovely breezes. No one is behaving in any manner that could conceivably be deemed high-strung!” She did, however, notice that she was talking too loudly. And too quickly. She would have to calm down.

Matt put his hands on his hips and looked to Justin.

“I’m starving. Let’s go eat!” He shook his keys with more enthusiasm than necessary. “Should I drive or are we taking the ‘vette?”

“Two cars! I prefer that we take two cars!” Celeste said immediately. “Er, perhaps you and I might like to go out on our own after lunch.”

“Okay, okay, Miss Thing. Jeez.” Matt held up his hands. “We’ll take two cars.”

Island Prime was known as the “restaurant on stilts” because it hung out over the water, so Justin had chosen well. Celeste liked the place from the minute she saw it. They parked the cars, and Celeste made a quick visual sweep of the lot. She didn’t see Julie yet. The doors to the restaurant were nearly twice Celeste’s height, and she had to use two hands to pull one open.

“This is a blatant case of form over function,” she announced. “One does not need to enter an establishment via gargantuan doorways, although I do have an appreciation for the architectural style. Justin, do you have commentary to add about these big doors.” She grunted and slid though the opening

“They are… very large… Um… grandiose?” Justin placed a hand on the door panel and swung it fully open for Matt.

When they were seated on the outdoor deck and looking at menus, Celeste could feel her nervousness growing. The words on the page in front of her were blurry and meaningless. The only thing that had meaning now was Julie’s arrival. She was torn between chattering on about the blissful location and alternately not saying anything at all.

“With an ocean front location such as this, I imagine this establishment must prioritize the quality of the seafood served, since one could not possibly expect anything less than outstanding when dining under the sunshine, inhaling the salt air, and marveling at the boats that pass by. Oh, look! One of the menu selections is entitled A Study in Lobster. How charming.” There. She had made the words come into focus. “Although one must question the validity of whether a dish can truly be considered a study, unless of course it comes served with an essay on lobster culture or something else equally ridiculous—”

Matt slammed down his menu. “Okay, that’s enough. What the hell is going on?”

Celeste looked up at him. It did not feel nice to trick Matthew, as she was never deceitful. Well, until this weekend…

Justin calmly took a drink of water. “Celeste, I think you need to tell him.”

“Tell me what?”

“Matt.” Julie was there. Standing right at the end of the table. Her voice was already broken, pain already on her face. She was as beautiful as ever, though, Celeste thought. Her dark brown hair now had highlights and was much longer than Celeste had ever seen it, but she looked quintessentially Julie in a long, lightly patterned sundress.

The shock on Matt’s face was all too evident, his emotion palpable.

Celeste jumped from her seat and rushed to Julie’s side, throwing her arms around her old friend. “How I have missed you. Terrifically delighted that you were willing to make the drive to see us. This is Justin, whom you have heard much about.”

“Hi, Justin. It’s very nice to meet you,” Julie managed to say from under Celeste’s tight hug.

“You, too.” Celeste could feel Justin and Julie shake hands. “Celeste, you might want to let your friend breathe.”

“Oh. Of course. Terribly sorry.” Celeste stepped back.

Julie kept her back to Matt and put her hands on Celeste’s arms. “You look wonderful. I can’t believe how long it’s been.”

“You, as well, look wonderful. And…” Celeste gestured grandly, “Matt is here. Whom you remember, I’m sure. I mean, of course you remember him.”

Julie pursed her lips together and gave Celeste a look. “I assumed that you would be here with Roger or Erin.”

“I do not know why you would have thought that,” Celeste said with exaggerated confusion. “I did not mention them, did I?”

“No,” Julie said pointedly. “No, you did not.”

Celeste spun Julie around and shoved her toward the empty seat beside Matt. Julie slowly made her way over and sat down. Neither Matt nor Julie looked at the other. In fact, neither looked even slightly happy.

Matt’s expression was bleak, and he kept his head down. “Celeste… what have you done?” She could barely hear him.

She looked to Justin, dumbfounded. He shook his head slightly, clearly at a loss for how to handle this.

“I can’t… I can’t do this…” Julie’s emotions were raw as she held back tears. “I love you, Celeste, but you had no right.”
   



“I just… I just thought it would be helpful for you two to see each other.” Celeste’s heart began to race as she looked back and forth between them. She would have to get them to break through whatever wall was here. “I know—I know with great conviction, that you still love each other. There. That is the simple truth. It is solely stubbornness or a similar characteristic that is standing in the way of what we all know to be right.”

But then Julie had her hands over her face, unable to hold back. Matt continued to look down. He lifted a hand and just barely touched Julie’s shoulder before she brushed him off quickly, finally looking directly at him. Her eyes held fury and hurt. “You broke my heart, Matt. You broke my heart. I don’t want to see you. I can’t.”

Every word cut through Celeste. She could only imagine what it was doing to Matt. She was frozen in her chair. This was not supposed to happen. Justin was pulling on her hand, eventually putting an arm around her to lift up. He guided them to a table across the deck and out of Matt and Julie’s view. “Let’s give them a little space, okay?”

She sat down dumbly at the new table, Justin now across from her and holding her hand in his.

“Here have some water.” He pushed a glass in her direction.

She shook her head and looked out over the bay. She would wait. Matt and Julie would take a few minutes to get over whatever hurdle had been keeping them apart, and then they would ease back into their love. They could do this. Neither had left the table, and therefore they must be talking things through. So she would hold Justin’s hand and wait.

She counted boats that went by. She watched the single cloud as it traversed slowly through the bright blue sky. And she counted more boats.

There were many unfortunate things about this moment, not the least of which was that the deck was nearly empty of other customers. Julie and Matt’s conversation could now be heard all too clearly. Justin squeezed her hand as Julie’s voice drifted their way.

“You wouldn’t leave. You wouldn’t choose me. I asked you to come to California, and you said no.”

“You know why,” Matt said. “Julie, you know I couldn’t leave.”

Julie said nothing for a minute. “I know. I know that she needed you. But maybe you didn’t trust her enough to do what she needed to do. She’s strong.”

Celeste turned her head slightly.

“You haven’t seen her. You haven’t seen how she’s been.” Matt was louder now. “It’s only been since she met Justin that she’s come alive and pulled things together. She’d been lying to us about having friends at school and who knows what else. That’s only changed recently. She depended on me, maybe still does, and I’m not about to abandon her. If she accepts at Barton, then Justin will be there for her. It’d be different. She would be safe. But it wasn’t fair that you asked me to leave her two years ago. You know better than anyone what it means to feel protective of her.”

“I do. I know. I just… I just wanted to be with you.”

“You left me, Julie. You left me!”

Justin tried to get Celeste to look at him, but she refused. “You applied to Barton? And got in? Why… why didn’t you tell me?”

How was she going to explain this? “Matt sent in the application. I just found out,” she said numbly.

“You told me to go,” Julie was now saying. “You told me to take the job!” The hurt in her voice was too much. “You said that we would be okay, Matt. You promised.”

“I know. I thought we would.” Matt’s tone softened, apologetic and sad. “I don’t know what happened. You couldn’t forgive me for staying.”

“It’s not like Celeste was still carrying Flat Finn everywhere.”

Celeste stopped breathing; her body went rigid.

Justin tugged her hand. “What is she talking about? Your brother Finn?”

It was all falling apart now, Celeste knew. There would be no recovery from this.

“She put your cardboard brother in the attic, remember?” Julie continued angrily. “Years ago. It was over. She didn’t need him propped outside her bedroom door anymore; she didn’t to talk to him to feel stable, and she didn’t rely on Flat Finn to get her through the most basic parts of daily life. I think she would have been okay without you.”

“You just said it. You think. I couldn’t take that risk. What if I’d run off to Los Angeles to be with you, and she lost everything? Don’t you dare blame her.”

“I’m not blaming her, but what was I supposed to do? Not take the job?”

“I didn’t say that,” Matt said. “I understand. You had to take care of yourself, and I had to take care of Celeste.”

“It’s the same thing all over again, back where we were before we were even together. You keep sacrificing yourself for her, and then you have nothing left to give. ”

“I’ll do it for the rest of my life if I have to.” Matt was angry now.

“That’s not fair to her, and it’s not fair to you. You know this, Matt. You’re making her responsible for what happened to us, and maybe you were just too afraid to commit to me. I think that’s the real reason. You used her as a crutch because you were scared. And so I left. And then you stopped loving me. We were too far apart. In every sense.”

“That’s not true. Don’t say that.”

“I could feel it. And now, I can’t forgive you.”

Celeste slammed her chair back and rushed to their table.

“I thought you were gone—” Matt started.

“Oh God, Celeste, I’m sorry,” Julie begged. “I’m so sorry.”

She grabbed the car keys from the table and ran from the deck. Tables, diners, and staff nearly invisible to her as she found her way to the parking lot.

Fight or flight.

There was no fight to win here. She couldn’t. Flight was her only option. And so she flew.

“Celeste!” Justin was running toward her as she started up the Corvette and slammed it into reverse. There was panic and confusion and shock in his demeanor. It was awful.

She wanted to pretend he didn’t exist, to just escape. And so she did. She soared out of the lot and drove. And drove and drove.