I reluctantly agreed, and thirty minutes later, I was sitting — as Des insisted— at my kitchen counter while she bustled about the kitchen making us tea.
“So… I owe you an apology.” She placed a hot cup of vanilla chai in front of me, and then sat down beside me with one of her own. “After that night in Chicago, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was so wrong with me wanting to protect you, or give you advice, or try to interfere when you were making a mistake. I thought you were being silly, and stubborn, and making another mistake, by pushing me away when I wanted to help. I didn’t get why you were so angry with me. Then, it’s like something clicked, and I realized I was actually smothering you, and lecturing, and meddling.”
I took a deep breath, then nodded my agreement. “That’s exactly what was happening, Des. And I don’t understand why.”
“Because I love you Tori. You’re like a sister to me, and I cannot stand knowing you’re unhappy, or you’re hurting. Listen… when I met Drew, it was as I was on life support, and he was giving out oxygen. Being in love with him, and having him reciprocate that with no fear, and no limitations… it’s beautiful. He makes me feel wild, and sexy, and free, and…I want that same thing for you so badly. I want you to have somebody that makes you feel the way Drew does for me, and I … I was doing too damned much, and I recognize that. I’m sorry.” When she was finished, her dam of tears broke, along with my resolve not to cry.
“That’s sweet, Des. Of course I forgive you,” I said, sniffling as I pulled her into a hug. “I shouldn’t have let it stew this long without saying anything, but I was already going through so much I didn’t have the energy to argue with my friend too.”
Des brushed away my words with a dismissive wave. “Girl, please. I’ve watched you go through an emotional gauntlet these past two years. I know part of that was me turning freaking Iyanla once I met Drew.”
“Honestly… the pressure I felt from you rubbing your relationship in my face, challenging me on why I didn’t have something like that for myself, it did play a role in where I was emotionally at that time. I wanted what you had, I did. Nevertheless, I certainly don’t think getting tangled up with Rafael was your fault. There were other factors too, and ultimately I should have known better. I should have listened when you told me you didn’t have a good feeling about him, but I wanted to prove you wrong, and I wanted to be with someone so bad I …. God, I was stupid.” My voice cracked as a fresh wave of tears sprung up. “And look where I am now. Single again, with more messy baggage. I don’t want to do this anymore.”
“Do what anymore?” Des asked as she wiped the tears from my face.
“Relationships, love, marriage, all of that. I’m done trying. In my life, the one time I had a man stick around longer than four months, I married him, and look how it turned out. At this point, I’m drained, Des. All of the stuff you need to make a relationship work, I’m out of it, and I have no interest in restocking just so somebody can come along, suck me dry, and then move on to the next woman. So I’m done.”
“Tori, come on. You’re thirty years old. You have too much life ahead of you to be making a decision like that, it’s silly. Besides… I know I started pushing you to date again once I found out you got rid of Rafael, but that was stupid. You’re not ready for that. It’s been what, 3 months since the divorce? Of course you feel depleted, because you still are. I’ll bet you haven’t taken any time to just breathe, and work through it, have you?”
I shook my head. “I had work to do. What good would it have done to sit around feeling sorry myself?”