“No! I would never do that!”
Wait! She did do just that. How could she forget Ryan’s eyes, wide and panicked as he told her he forgot to use a condom? That day had been a riot of emotion with protection the last thing on their minds.
She’d meant to sort it out, but instead she’d blocked the entire day from her memory, the reminder of Jake’s letter and her subsequent breakdown far too painful to think about.
“We should do an ultrasound.” Her doctor waved towards a small machine in the corner with an attached screen. “Do you want to meet your baby?”
Oh God. Ryan was going to be a daddy.
Fin shook her head. “No. I don’t. I can’t. Not without Ryan. I can’t do this without Ryan.”
Doctor Jensen tilted her head, her eyes calm and focused. “You can. You’re going to be surprised at just how much strength you can find when you become a parent. You have family and friends and my door is always open for you.” Her heels clicked solidly on the floor as she shifted towards the slim hospital bed in the corner. “Now come on over here and let’s have a look at what’s growing in there.”
Fin pressed a hand to her belly as she stood, feeling nothing at all. No kicks or flutters or lazy rolls. No evidence at all that part of Ryan existed inside her.
Half an hour later, Fin sat in her car, a photo of their baby clutched in her trembling fingers. She couldn’t take her eyes off it, not even registering the joy that was unfurling in her chest. In that moment, nothing else mattered except her need to see Ryan.
Sliding the key into the ignition, her little car came to life at the same time her phone rang. Reaching into her bag, Fin plucked it out, seeing her mum’s name on the display.
“Mum!” she answered rapidly. “I can’t talk right now, I have to see—”
Julie cut her off. “Honey, where are you?”
She frowned. “I’m just leaving an appointment. I’ll ring you later because I have to—”
“Leaving an appointment? I don’t understand, Finlay. You need to hurry up!”
Tucking the phone between her ear and shoulder, Fin slipped the photo carefully in her purse. “Hurry up? Mum, what are you talking about?”
Pressing the speaker button, Fin put the phone down and backed out of the little car park. A muffled sound came through the phone as she inched her car into traffic. Her mother’s voice began cutting in and out.
“Mum, can I ring you back a bit later?” she called loudly. “I can’t hear you!”
Fin checked her mirrors and blind spot carefully before changing lanes.
“Ryan … base ….” came through.
“What?” Her pulse sped up. How did her mother know where she was going? “Mum? I’m on way to see Ryan now, is that what you mean?”
More crackling.
“Dammit,” Fin muttered as she slowed down for a red light. “Mum, are you there? Where are you?”
“We’re at the base,” came through loud and clear.
“At the barracks? What are you doing there?”
She heard the slam of a car door. “Oh wait, Mike,” her mother said, “I just need to get those cards out of the car.”
“Mum!”
The car behind Fin tooted and she looked up, realising the light was green. She waved her hand in apology and accelerated, almost growling with frustration when her mother’s voice began to crackle again.
“Mum, I’m going to hang up now, okay? I’m on my way to see Ryan and then I have to get back to work. I’ll speak to you tonight.”
“Honey. We’re at Base Pearce.”
All the blood drained from Fin’s face until she felt faint. “What?” she whispered. “You’re at the airfield? Mum? Why …” She licked her lips. “Why are you there?”
Her mother’s indrawn breath came through clearly. “Finlay.”
“I thought they weren’t leaving for another two days.”
“The troops are flying out today. Now.”
“A-are you sure?”
“Yes, honey. We received word of the date and time of their deployment through the DFA support group. I’m sorry. I thought you would have already known.”
Fin’s knuckles went white on the steering wheel. Ryan was getting on the same plane that took her brother away, and he was going right now. She wasn’t ready. He couldn’t leave. Not yet. She needed to see him. He couldn’t leave without her seeing him.
Fin took a right turn and put her foot down on the accelerator, for the first time wishing her little environmentally friendly car knew how to move.
“Mum, how long do I have?”
“A little over an hour.”
Her heart sank. She wasn’t going to make it. “I don’t think I’ll get there in time.”
“Oh, honey.”
“Mum,” she choked out. If Ryan wanted her there, he would have rung her, wouldn’t he?
“You know Ryan well enough to know the answer to that question, Finny,” came a familiar voice in her ear.
“What did you say, Mum?” she asked, chills snaking down her spine as she entered Roe Highway, her little car weaving wildly into traffic.
“I didn’t say anything, Finlay.”