Faster We Burn

chapter Thirty-one

Stryker

She put on a brave front, but I woke up in the middle of the night to find her whimpering in her sleep. I was still on edge about the whole thing, so I wasn’t sleeping at all.

“Katie, wake up.” I shook her shoulder and her eyes popped open.

Looking left and right she searched for me. “Whaaa?”

“You were dreaming, sweetheart. It’s okay.” She wiped her eyes and sat up.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine.”

“Do you want some tea or something?” I’d do anything I could to try to make it better, or at least not suck so much.

“Yeah, sure.” She closed her eyes and sat back, breathing as if she’d just run a mile.

I made her some tea in the microwave and brought it back. She was messing with her hair.

“I’m sorry I woke you,” she said as I handed her the mug.

“You didn’t. I was already awake. I couldn’t sleep after…everything.”

She sipped the tea and moved so she could lean against me. I put my arm around her and my chin on the top of her head.

“I just feel like I’ll never be free of him. That he’s always going to be lurking in the back of my mind. He’ll be that thing I’m afraid of when the house is quiet and I’m alone and I let my mind go to a dark place.”

I sighed, wishing I knew what to say, what to do to change it. But we all had our demons, and we all carried them with us. That was just part of life.

“He’s always going to be a part of you, of your past. It happened and in the absence of a time machine to go back and change things, that’s always going to be the case. The only thing you can control is how you respond to it. There are so many people that wouldn’t be able to pick themselves up after what you’ve been through. Those people wouldn’t even bother to get out of bed, let alone give their heart to someone else after what he did to it. But you did. You do. Every day. And that’s all you can do. Be strong, move forward.”

“You and me,” she said, turning to give me a kiss.

“Even without me. You are strong, and you will survive. Always.”

“But I’d rather do it with you.”

I kissed her back. “Me too.”



***



The alarm rang much too early, but I did end up getting some sleep, wrapped around Katie. Both of us had class, but we skipped to go make her statement. She figured that was a valid excuse, and I concurred. We also dodged calls and texts from the group, asking how we were, and we were somehow able to sneak past Lottie and Zan’s new apartment without them being the wiser.

“They’re so sweet, and they mean well. There’s just so many of them,” Katie said as we got back in her car after giving her statement.

“I’ve never had this many people concerned about my welfare before. It’s stifling.” She nodded. “Hey, do you want me to drop you off at class?”

She shook her head.

“We’re just doing reviews in most of my classes, so I don’t really need to be there. What about you?”

“Same.” A smile started growing on her face. “What did you have in mind?”

“Just a little something. I’m going to be gone aaaallll weekend.”

“I think I’m picking up what you’re putting down and I like it.” I smiled as she put her hand on mine on the shifter.

We couldn’t get to the bedroom fast enough.

Katie

Mom’s reaction to my hair wasn’t nearly as dramatic as I expected. Before Dad died, it probably would have been. Her eyes just went wide and she sighed and shook her head like when I was little and I spilled something.

I didn’t tell her about Zack showing up at my dorm, but she found out anyway through the grapevine. Her reaction to that was more intense. So much so that she installed a security system, including a motion detector that turned on the outside lights. I thought it was overkill, but with her living alone, it probably wasn’t such a bad idea.

I emailed Kayla and gave her the low down, and she messaged back right away that she was coming home early for Christmas and bringing Adam, and that they were going to take some time off and stay with mom for a few months. At least until the next semester was over and I’d be home for the summer.

Right. Home for the summer. I emailed Kayla back saying that was great. I had a whole other semester to figure out what I was going to do this summer. I’d worry about that later.

The rest of the weekend I spent picking up on the slack, including paying bills and doing a few loads of laundry.

I caught Mom crying over her wedding album just before I was due to leave and go back to school on Sunday night.

“Mom?” Most of the time I pretended like I didn’t hear her crying because she worked so hard to hide it. I’d cried a little here and there, but nothing like I should be. Guess that denial thing was still going strong.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” She shoved the album away and wiped her eyes with her hand.

“No, it’s okay. You have every right to cry.” I grabbed the newly-replenished tissues and handed them to her.

“I just keep expecting things to get better, you know?” She blew her nose and I sat down beside her, looking at the pictures of my then-young parents, gazing adoringly at each other. They’d had their tough times, but I never doubted their love for one another.

“Everyone says it will get better, but I still feel like a part of me is missing.”

“That’s because a part of you is. When you love someone, you give them a little piece of yourself to keep. When they die, or they leave, they take it with them.” Even Zack had taken a little bit of me with him. “When you lose someone, you have to learn how to live without that missing piece.”

She sighed and blew her nose again.

“When did you get so smart?”

“Just recently.” I took the used tissue from her and chucked it in the trash, closing the album with my other hand. “Listen, I have to get back, but I’ll be here for break next week. All I have are finals, and then I’ll be home, and Kayla will be here, okay?”

“You don’t have to take care of me.” She slid the album back into its place on her dresser.

“Of course I do.” I got up and gave her a hug. “You’re my mother.”

“I just can’t imagine what Christmas is going to be like. I don’t even want to think about it. Nothing’s going to be the same.”

“I know.”

She hugged me back and then touched my hair.

“Pink, huh? It looks cute on you.” She ran some of the newly-pink hair through her fingers. I was still getting used to it, but I was still thrilled with how it turned out. I felt more…me with it.

“Thanks.”

Mom let out a sigh, pushing my hair over my shoulders.

“So, is that boy going to be around? The one that brought you to the hospital?”

Mom still couldn’t remember his name.

“Stryker?”

She nodded.

“Is he allowed to be around?”

“Well, I just thought that you said he didn’t have a place to go for Thanksgiving, so he might not have a place to go at Christmas, and he was so great when everything happened that you might want to invite him over.” She put on a smile as I tried to figure out if it was opposite day.

“I’ll, um, I’ll ask him.” It hadn’t occurred to me to even ask Mom if he could come. Stryker and I hadn’t talked about Christmas plans, mostly on purpose because I knew he didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Trish was teaming up with Lottie again, and everyone else had somewhere too.

“Thanks, Mom. I love you.”

“Love you too, baby.”



***



Winter dropped the hammer down on us with a vengeance and we had snowstorm after snowstorm, causing classes to be cancelled right before finals. Stryker called off Band, but the rest of our crew braved the bad weather and came over instead.

“You still owe me dinner out,” I said as we popped two pizzas into the oven.

“I’m aware, I’m aware. I just don’t know if they’re going to let us back into Caroline’s, ever, and that’s the nicest place that’s close.”

“You don’t have to take me to the nicest place. Just a place with food and a decent atmosphere.”

“But I want to give you fancy,” he said, pouting a little. Damn, that was sexy.

I set the timer and turned around.

“I don’t need fancy. I just need you.”

He leaned in to kiss me just as the door burst open, bringing with it arctic air and the rest of our snow-covered crew.

“Son of a bitch, it’s cold out there,” Trish said, blowing on her non-gloved hands.

“Hon, you should wear gloves,” Max said, taking her hands in his and rubbing them.

“Yeah, yeah.”

Stryker had almost gotten over the fact that his sister was dating Max, but every now and then I caught him giving Max a look like he wanted to disembowel him for touching Trish.

“Be nice,” I said, brushing my fingers across his chest. “He could be your future brother-in-law.”

Stryker shuddered.

“There’s something I don’t want to think about for at least twenty years.”

“Good luck with that,” I said, watching Trish and Max giving each other googly eyes.

I still hadn’t asked him about Christmas. I wasn’t sure why, exactly. Maybe I was afraid that he’d feel obligated to come, and I really didn’t know how things were going to go, with Dad gone. There was a very good chance Mom was going to go to a really dark place and it would be one giant disaster. He’d seen enough of my family disasters to last a lifetime.

Stryker beat me to the punch.

“How do you think your mom’s going to do? With Christmas and everything?”

He handed me a beer from the fridge, grabbing one for himself.

“Results are inconclusive. It could go either way.” I popped the top and took a sip as everyone else piled in, bringing bags of groceries. “But, um, you are invited to come. You know, only if you want.”

He paused with the bottle halfway to his lips.

“Really? I don’t want to impose or anything. I know this is a hard time—” I interrupted him.

“No, no, not at all. I’d love to have you there. You were so good before, and…it would suck a lot less with you around.”

He smiled at me. “Good.”

“Good.” I raised my beer and he clinked it with his.