“What makes you say that?” Jase asks while chopping up the peppers for the stir-fry he’s making.
“I just get the feeling that he is. I mean, we’ve been together for a few months and haven’t done anything more than kiss. He has to be getting annoyed with me.”
“But he hasn’t said anything?”
“No, I don’t think he would though.”
“Do you trust him?”
Taking a sip of my wine and setting down the glass, I say, “Yeah, but I’m scared he’s going to compare me. I mean, how could he not? It’s only natural, right?”
“No, it’s not. It’s not like that. You’re someone new to him, and he clearly loves you. He would be a total ass to compare you.”
I widen my eyes when he says that Ryan loves me, and he catches the look on my face when he sets down the knife and questions me, “What?”
“God, Jase, you think he loves me?”
“Candace, have you seen the way he looks at you? Yes, the guy loves you.” He scoops up the peppers and onions and dumps them into the hot skillet, shaking it around and flipping the vegetables. When he turns back around, he laughs. “Why do you look so surprised?”
“Because, I just . . . I mean . . .”
“Do you love him?”
“Jase!”
“Seriously. Do you?”
“At times when we are together I feel like I do. I mean . . . I think I do. Honestly, I am overwhelmed most of the time. But I’m scared. All I know is that I have never felt this way about anyone else.”
“What are you so scared of?”
“Everything.”
He turns around, picks up the skillet, and pours the stir-fry onto our plates. We walk into the living room and set them down on the coffee table to cool when he continues, “Explain to me what everything is.”
I empty out my thoughts with Jase because I know I can tell him anything and he will never judge me. “I’m scared I might freak out on him, and he’ll think I’m weird and won’t want to waste his time with me. I’m scared I’m not enough for him. I’m worried he will somehow know what happened to me, and he’ll be disgusted by me. And I’m scared of losing him, for whatever reason. What if this thing ends up badly and I’m left hurt?”
“If that does happen, you’ll be okay. You’re strong. I know you don’t see it, but I do. You’re the strongest person I know.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“You are. And everyone has fears in a new relationship. It doesn’t make you weak; it makes you real. I was scared when Mark and I got back together. Scared that somehow I would screw it up again. That I would fall for him and then he would realize what a dick I was and leave. Scared that his family wouldn’t like me. I was scared of a lot, but I still wanted him more than I wanted to give up.”
“But everything that Mark was telling us. The stuff about all the girls. It’s true.”
“What did he say?”
I don’t tell Jase everything, because what Ryan told me is private, and I want to keep it that way, so I say, “He said it was a rough time in his life, and he used women as a distraction. I asked him how many and he just told me it was a lot. But today when I stopped by his place, one of his friends was there, and he made a comment that’s really been bothering me.”
I pick up my plate and start moving the food aimlessly around as I continue, “So, Ryan and I were walking to his office to talk, and his friend made a remark about us having sex in there and that it wouldn’t be the first time Ryan has done that.”
“God.”
“I know. So, when we were alone, I got upset, but then I felt bad for him. You should have seen the look on his face, Jase. It was horrible. I know he felt embarrassed, so I let it go and didn’t say anything else.”
“That’s probably best. I mean, what is there really to say?”
“I know. It just makes me uncomfortable to think about that stuff happening at his place, and now I’m hanging out there.”
“That sucks, but you can’t think about all that. It’s just going to eat at you.”
I take a big bite of food, tilt my head back, and say, “I know,” so that none of it falls out of my mouth.
Laughing at me, he jokes, “Is that how they taught you to eat at the country club?”
We both laugh and enjoy our dinner, dropping all serious conversation aside.
After dinner we simply hang out like we used to, watching trash TV and relaxing. We decide to call it a night around midnight. We lie down in his bed to sleep. We have been sleeping together for the past four years. I have always found it to be comforting, not sexual at all. Being able to have that closeness with Jase has really bonded us together. I know I can totally be free and open with him, and I need that. I don’t have that with anyone else. He’s seen me at my absolute worst, and has never abandoned me.
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