I shake my head at their banter and unscrew the lid to my water. “I was in the dance studio all day,” I say and then take a long drink of water.
“How’d that go?” Ryan asks. He knows I’ve been having a lot of bad studios and rehearsals lately.
“It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo.”
“Really? That’s great, babe.”
“Well, actually all she said was ‘that’s better’ but coming from her, that’s huge.”
“You coming out with us tonight?” Gavin asks me.
“Umm,” I say, turning my attention to Ryan, wondering what Gavin’s talking about.
“Gavin’s just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that’s all.”
“Oh,” I say and turn my attention back to Gavin. “No, I’ve got plans.”
I feel left out of Ryan’s life with his friends. I know it’s my own doing, so I try to not let it affect me. I know it’s just me being over-sensitive, but I can’t help the feeling of being left out.
“What are you doing?” Ryan asks.
“I’m going to Jase’s to hang out. We haven’t had a lot of time to see each other lately.”
“Come with me to my office before you go,” he says as he stands up and takes my hand.
“If you guys are gonna fuck, I’m out,” Gavin says.
“Dude!” Ryan snaps at him.
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “What? It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I look at him in disbelief when he says, “Just sayin’,” as he leans back on the couch and turns up the TV.
Ryan starts leading me to his office, and when he closes the door, he turns around, placing his hands on the door, caging me in.
“Sorry about that. The guy has no filter.”
The fact that he isn’t denying what Gavin said is making my stomach turn. I want to run out of here, get some space, but I know he won’t let me do that. I can’t even look at him right now, so I keep my eyes focused on a stack of papers lying on his desk.
“Candace,” he says quietly, and I turn my head and look to the floor.
He drops his head and sighs, “I’m sorry.”
“Did you really do that?”
Our eyes meet when he looks up and by the look written all over his face and his creased forehead, I can tell he’s ashamed to answer me.
He nods his head and says, “Yes.”
I feel sick, and I look back down, not knowing what to say. Even though he didn’t know me back then, it still hurts. It hurts to know that he has shared something so intimate with those girls. An intimacy that we don’t share.
Tears begin to flood my eyes, and I look at him when I ask, “Is that what you want?”
He gently takes my face in his hands, and when I blink, I can feel the heat of my tears rolling down my cheeks.
“No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me.”
“That’s the problem, though. I can’t give you what they could.”
“You give me everything.” Taking his thumbs, he wipes the tears from under my eyes. “You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you’re ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won’t be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them.”
He leans his forehead against mine and even though I feel upset about the way Ryan was before he met me, I’m also upset for me, that I can’t give him what I want to. I can see the pain and regret in his face.
“I shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t know you then.”
“You have every right to be upset.”
Not wanting to drag this out, I wrap my hand behind his neck, draw his head to mine, and kiss him. I don’t want to think about it anymore; I just want to have peace with Ryan.
“I’ve missed you,” he mumbles over my lips, and when he does, I pull him closer to me and cover his mouth with mine. “Stay with me tonight?”
Parting our lips from each other, I whisper, “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I promised Jase I’d stay with him.”
Ryan lets out a deep sigh, hanging his head down, and I know he’s frustrated, but I don’t ask. I haven’t spent the night with him since last Sunday, and I’m sure it’s bothering him.
“You have to work anyway,” I say.
“I want you in my bed when I get home.”
I release my hands from his neck and look down, feeling guilty, that I’m not giving him the closeness that he wants. I know he’d prefer moving this a lot faster than we are, but I feel like I’m pushing myself as it is.
“Ryan . . .” I whisper.
“I know,” he says as he leans his forehead against mine.
I know he doesn’t really understand my feelings of apprehension, and it hurts me that he’s feeling this way because of me.
I cup his cheeks and pull up on my toes, pressing my lips into his, and when I do, he holds my head in his hands as well. We hold the kiss for a few seconds before pulling away.
“I should go.”
“I’ll walk you out.”
We walk through the house and Gavin looks up and asks, “You heading out already?”
“Yeah, I gotta go.”
“Good seeing you again.”
I smile and turn toward the door with Ryan and say goodbye.
?????
“Ryan’s frustrated with me.”