“I need you to talk to me about this. You have it all wrong. What that guy did was fucked up, babe, and you didn’t do shit to deserve what he did to you.”
I don’t even bother trying to stifle the tears, and I’m pissed that I can’t hold myself together. I yell at Ryan through my cries, “You don’t get it, Ryan! What I did was stupid, and I completely led him on. It wasn’t right, and I knew it, but I did it anyway.”
“What the fuck could you have possibly done, because I know you, Candace, and I know you couldn’t have led him on that much. But that shit doesn’t even matter because you could’ve stripped down in front of him, and you still didn’t deserved to be raped.”
“Don’t say that fucking word, Ryan!” I sob out and then begin crying uncontrollably.
He pulls me into his arms and begins apologizing when I lose control and tell him, “I didn’t even really like him, but I was stupid and lonely, so I would let him kiss me, knowing that I didn’t like him. And I fucking hate my mother for this, because if it wasn’t for her being such a bitch, I never would have gone out with him.”
Ryan tries to get me to stop, but I continue. “You just don’t get it. I did lead him on, and I pissed him off. I never should’ve acted like that. I should’ve just been honest.”
“This isn’t your fault,” he says sternly, and I snap back, “Yes, it is!”
Not releasing his hold on me, he says again, “It isn’t your fault, Candace.”
Turning into him, I fist his shirt in my hands and cry, “But it is.”
He doesn’t say anything else. We wind up lying down in bed for a while until I calm down. We lie face to face, and with my eyes closed, I finally speak. “It’s been seven months, Ryan.”
“I know, babe.”
“I just want it to go away.”
“I know. But it’s never going to get easier if you keep blaming yourself. It kills me that you feel this way. It fuckin’ kills me that I can’t take this away from you.”
I close my eyes for a while, and when I feel myself start to drift, I ask, “Can’t we stay another night?”
“Anything you want.”
Chapter Thirty-Five
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On the drive back to Seattle, Ryan suggests that we talk to Jared to see about changing the tattoo. He thinks that it will help if I don’t have to look at the heart every day just to be constantly reminded about everything, give the tattoo a new association.
I hold Ryan’s hand the whole drive home, feeling like I need him close. I hate that he saw me so weak when I try to be so strong. I push myself so much with him, and then last night, I fell apart. I know he loves me regardless because he has never wavered, but I want to prove to him that I’m not this sad, pathetic girl, but I’m as fierce as he believes.
When we get back to my house, he carries my bags in for me. Since we didn’t come back yesterday like we had planned, Ryan has to go into work tonight. Feeling a little needy, I tell him I don’t want him to go.
“Baby, I have to. It’s Saturday night, and I’ve been gone all week.”
I fold myself into his arms and stay quiet.
“Come with me,” he says, and when I look up at him, I ask hesitantly, “What?”
“You don’t even have to be around everyone. Stay with me in my office.”
Knowing how he just saw me last night, I know what I need to say.
“Okay.”
He’s right; I can just be with him and not around all those other people. I went there the other week, and I was fine. I can do this. I need to do this.
“Really?” The stunned look on his face tells me he wasn’t expecting the response I just gave him. The look makes me smile, and I’m glad I don’t have to be alone tonight.
“Just park in the front, okay?”
“Of course. You’ll finally get to hear Mark play.”
“Oh. I didn’t even think about that. Could you do me a favor?”
“Sure.”
“They’ve been kinda embarrassing me lately with . . . things. Um . . . could you just text them or something and tell them to not make a big deal about it.”
Smiling at me, he holds my face and kisses me hard with intent. Keeping his hold on me, I let him control the connection and when it’s broken, he says, “I love you so much. You’re always surprising me.”
?????
As we walk into Blur, Ryan has a firm grip on my hand. When I was here the last time, it was empty, but tonight it’s packed. I never expected this many people to be here.
“Where’s Max?!” Ryan shouts to someone I can’t see. I feel really overwhelmed with the amount of people in here, all of whom tower over me. I wrap my free arm around the arm that is holding my hand, and hold tightly onto him “Right here, boss,” a low voice calls from behind us. Turning around, I come face to face with an extremely large man with a shaved head wearing a black shirt that reads ‘BLUR’ in white.
Ryan shouts over the noise, “Max, hey, this is Candace.”
Max looks down at me, and the warm smile that covers his face doesn’t really match his overwhelming appearance. Whereas Ryan is muscular with long, strong, athletic cuts, Max is big, bulky, and very intimidating, but he has a soft smile.