I sit up off of my sister’s bed and know what my dad wants. He wants me to go back to school. He wants me to graduate with the rest of my class and get drafted into the NBA. He wants me to go back to everyday life like he has. Well, I can’t. We all can’t move on like he has. I don’t know how he does it, but he does. It’s not that I resent my dad. It’s just he copes with things differently than I do, therefore I don’t think he can really relate to the pain that I’m feeling.
“I hear you, Dad, I really do. But…I don’t think I’ll ever be able to play with the passion I once had. It died the day Kinsey did.”
Nodding his head, the look of disappointment is as prevalent as ever. Then the doorbell rings. He stands and says, “I’ll let him in. Just come down when you’re ready and please know that I support whatever decision it is that you make. You’re my only son and I love you.”
I nod my head. “I love you too,” I respond, running my hands over my face. You can do this. Just be fucking honest. Before going downstairs, I stop in the bathroom and splash my face with water. God, I want to take some pills so badly, even one would take the edge off. As I emerge, I hear not only my dad, but a few of my teammates. Fuck. Fuck! He’s really bringing out all the tricks.
Walking into the hallway, I glance at my mom’s bedroom door, still shut. I’m sure she’s passed out. I snag my Starbucks out of the drink holder at the bottom of the stairs and plaster on my best fake smile and positive attitude. “Hey, guys,” I announce and everyone turns to me.
Trenton and Kohan, who are not only my teammates but also my dormmates, run over and both tackle me, almost taking me down just to give me a hug. “What’s up, man? Kohan asks.
“Not much, how ’bout you guys?” I ask.
“Getting ready to impress some scouts when we play Virginia. You’re gonna join us, right?” Trenton asks.
“I—”
My coach cuts me off. “Now, now, boys, we came here for dinner. Let’s at least eat first before we pressure Bain into anything.” We exchange a glance and it takes everything I have to hold it together. The last time I saw him was at Kinsey’s funeral. “How are you?” he asks, embracing me tightly.
I don’t respond, instead I just nod my head. The doorbell rings right as we separate. “That’s dinner,” my dad announces.
Of course he ordered in. That’s all we do anymore. “How are things?” I ask him.
“Definitely not the same without you,” Coach says.
“What he means is we suck!” Trenton interjects.
I chuckle at their remarks.
“We don’t suck,” Coach Daniels adds. “Things have just been…challenging. Enough about us and basketball, boys. How are you guys holding up?”
“We’re doing the best we can, considering,” my dad says taking out the containers of food and spreading them on the table. “Time has helped a bit, but the pain is still tremendous.”
“Always will be,” I mutter under my breath.
“I can’t imagine. It’s so horrible to think about what she went through,” Coach says.
I stay quiet as my blood starts to boil. Why are we talking about this now? I thought this was the last direction that the conversation would have gone in.
“I can’t imagine losing my little sister,” Kohan says.
I shoot out of my chair and head straight to my room. Fuck being sober. I can’t do this shit. As I walk away, I feel everyone’s eyes on me, but I don’t look back. The minute I’m in my bathroom, I open the drawer I keep my pills in and stare at the array of bottles, contemplating which to take.
I decide on a few Xanax. They have been doing me good since Jamison hooked me up, and I function well on them, plus no one will know. Although, I do love the Hydro, they really amp me up. Since my anxiety is already through the fucking roof, that’s the last thing I need. Swallowing a few small, white bars, I stare at my reflection in the mirror. It’s as if the person looking back at me isn’t me. My eyes aren’t the same; they’re…empty.
What have I gotten myself into? That’s all that floods my mind as I leave Brady’s. I caved when I saw his sexy ass at a bar last night and…fuck. I…I stayed the night with him. I haven’t stayed the night with anyone since I lost Nate.
Jesus, I’m such a fucking hypocrite. All I can think about is Nate and how it feels like I’ve betrayed him. How did I end up in this situation? This will be the last time for sure. As soon as the thought crosses my mind, that ass texts me, Last night was amazing. You are something else, Arion.
A surge of nausea creeps up my throat. Oh, what have I done? I really hope Aubrey is home; I’m going to need her help to get him off my back. Our apartment isn’t far from his and within a few minutes, I’m home.