“And then I realized I’d done the same to you. I’d beaten you. I’d raped you, and worse—I even made you like it. I fed you hope and I snatched it away. I made you love me! How could I tell you? I couldn’t tell you, Livvie. I was confused. I was… broken. I’m still broken. I don’t know who I am or what I want. All I know is that without you… without you, there’s nothing. I’m nothing. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is for someone like me?”
My feelings toward her were on the tip of my tongue. I’d been holding the words in since the moment I had watched her walk out of my life, and if she’d turned around and looked at me for even a second, I wouldn’t have been able to resist telling her then.
I love you.
I couldn’t say it in Mexico. I had lost too much that day. I had lost my reality. What could I possibly understand about love when the only person I was sure I did love had lied to me for twelve years? Livvie had said she was mine. How could I be sure? Worse, what if it were true? What if she loved me and all I had to offer was a husk of a heart to love her with? How can anyone understand what love is without experiencing it? It would be like trying to describe color to a blind man. Some things you have to see for yourself. To understand love, you have to feel it for yourself.
It wasn’t until Livvie walked away and I was truly alone in the world that I began to feel what love could be. It didn’t come to me as it came to others; I had to find love as I had found everything else that defined me: through my suffering. The chasm Livvie’s absence opened in me was a hungry void. It was alive, the void, and it would not be filled with vengeance. It was not soothed by my attempts to right my wrongs. It was not pleased by random women. It did not sleep, despite the amount of drink I imbibed to dull my senses.
There was only one thing the void wanted. Greedily tearing me apart, it asked for Livvie. It wanted my hopes, my dreams. It wanted my memories of her face. It wanted the laughter we had shared. “Mine,” the void had decreed. Only Livvie could make me whole, and as soon as I had realized it, I couldn’t stop looking for her. I’d become obsessed with knowing if she really loved me.
The first touch of Livvie’s hand on my shoulder had me sobbing again. Love made me weak. I wished it would go away. Instead, it crushed me under its heel. I let Livvie push me back onto the bed. And when I heard her turn away, love made me beg.
“Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.”
I felt her fingers running through my hair.
“I would never leave you, Caleb. I just wanted to get you some water.”
“I don’t want water.”
“Scotch? Whiskey?”
“Just you.”
There was a long pause.
“Okay.”
I heard her undress before she slipped in behind me. She smelled like smoke. She hadn’t had a cigarette since the first night I’d come to her apartment. I didn’t say anything about it. She had her vises and I had mine. All that mattered to me was that Livvie was warm. And soft. Livvie was always warm and soft. She spoke softly in my ear.
“I’m scared too. You didn’t come to the door and I thought: He left me again. Caleb, you can’t do that to me.”
Livvie kissed my shoulder, but I could feel her vibrating with anger.
“You’re mad at me.”
“Yes,” she said. “But I guess… maybe I can’t blame you. In the grand scheme of things, it’s ridiculous to assume you wouldn’t break into my laptop. To use your words: I know who you are and I know what you do.” Livvie let out a short burst of laughter that quickly became a thoughtful sigh. “It must be hard on you, not having anyone to talk to about… him. I certainly don’t care he’s dead—he can rot in hell for all I care—but I never guessed how much you…” Livvie sighed and went silent.
“I don’t expect you to care. I don’t regret what I did. I just wanted you to know why I couldn’t let you come with me. To be honest, I don’t regret leaving you behind.”
She tensed.
“Sorry you came back?”
I turned and pulled her into my arms. It wasn’t her place to comfort me.
“No. I could never regret any amount of time with you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I just wish I could… be that for you.” Her silence was nearly deafening. It was a confirmation.
“I… fuck. I’m so goddamn angry, Caleb. I don’t know how to process everything sometimes. There’s so much living inside me. That’s what the writing is for, it helps me lay shit out and filter through my thoughts.” She propped herself up on her elbow and met my eyes. Her expression was pained. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Caleb. You’re also the worst. I’m trying to reconcile those two things. Help me?”
“How am I supposed to help you?” I asked.
“Tell me your side of things. I want to hear the good and the bad. I have so many questions, so many moments in my life where I only know half the information. You read my side of it. I want your side. Help me understand how I managed to…” Her eyes finished her sentence: fall in love with you. “Help me explain it to the rest of the world.”