Evelyn came up to me with a plate of food. She was wearing cream pants and a navy silk shirt, her hair recently restyled to help her look older. She held out some scrambled eggs. I shook my head and looked away.
Our relationship had changed. For some reason, right now, my parents ‘got’ me better than anyone else. Maybe it was the understanding of loss, the pain you can’t imagine unless you have felt it rip through your body and soul. But even as Evelyn put down the plate that only reminded me of Lincoln and wrapped her arms around me, I couldn’t return her embrace. Empathising, she backed away and I was grateful.
Dad pulled up outside Lincoln’s warehouse.
‘I can come in with you,’ he said, again.
I shook my head.
He sighed. ‘Okay. Call me if you need me.’
‘Thanks,’ I said.
Walking up the front steps, it was so familiar. For a couple of beats I let myself pretend it was normal. That I would knock on the door. That he would answer.
I shut it down.
It was a warm day, but I wore layers, wrapping them tightly around me, trying to keep the cold away. It was useless. The cold came from within.
I stood on the threshold. I could sense people inside. It took me a long time to knock.
Griffin opened the door. He hadn’t known I was coming and his surprise showed. He held the door open and I walked in slowly, trying to keep my legs from buckling under me. Steph and Salvatore were in the kitchen. They stopped talking when they saw me.
Steph automatically started towards me, but paused when she saw my closed expression. I hadn’t been able to talk to her at all. Nor to anyone, really, but especially her. Of all people, I knew she was the one I had to keep at arm’s length. I could tell it hurt her, but I think she understood.
Spence walked out of his room, in old faded jeans and an equally faded red T-shirt, and stopped in the hallway.
‘Eden,’ he said as I passed.
I didn’t reply. Couldn’t.
I heard someone talking inside Lincoln’s bedroom. I stood at the open door. I didn’t look at the bed. Instead I focused on Dapper, who sat beside it. He was reading a book aloud.
When he saw me, he stopped reading. I said nothing, so he simply closed the book, placed it on the bedside table, stood and left the room. His hand brushed my shoulder as he did.
I stepped inside and closed the door behind me.
Every step towards the bed was shakier than the last. I looked down at him, my eyes finally seeing him. The air left my lungs and every muscle in my face ached.
A feeding drip was connected to his hand. He was silent, like he was sleeping, but … he was not peaceful. He was not really there at all.
I didn’t cry.
I crawled onto the bed and curled up beside him, resting my head on his shoulder. I stayed like that, silently, for the rest of the day.
Eventually, when the sun started to go down and the room became dark, I got back up and stood at the end of the bed.
‘I know you asked Phoenix to kill you,’ I said, my voice breaking on every word. ‘I know you two made your deals, but Phoenix isn’t here any more.’ I shook my head and made my way to the door, looking back at him once before I opened it. ‘Did you really think it would be that easy?’
I left.
Everyone was still there and watched as I walked back into the living room and picked up Lincoln’s car keys. I could feel all of them holding their breath, waiting for me to tell them. I knew they all thought I had come to kill him. As his partner, the decision had been left in my hands.
I looked at Griffin. ‘No one touches him until I get back.’
Griffin stood. ‘Where are you going?’ he asked.
‘To give an angel a choice.’
Spence was at the driver’s door the moment I unlocked it.
I looked at him with empty eyes.
He held out his hand, staring back at me. ‘Screw it. You can beat the crap out of me if you want, but you’re not going on your own.’ He pushed his open hand closer to me. ‘Keys.’
‘You can’t come where I’m going,’ I replied rigidly.
‘I’ll come as far as I can, then. You and I both know it’s the smart thing to do. I’m good back-up. Plus …’ He looked at the car. ‘You drive like shit.’
I swallowed. He was good back-up. And I did drive like shit.
‘I can’t… talk.’
He half smiled. ‘Never much liked your conversation anyway.’
I rolled my eyes and slapped the keys into his hand.
‘See, Eden. You can’t resist me. No woman can,’ he said, smiling as he got into the car.
I ignored him and pulled out the directions I had prepared.
‘Where are we headed?’ he asked, starting up the four-wheel drive that smelled of Lincoln.
I rolled down the window. ‘To a cliff.’
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
‘There is no refuge from memory and remorse in this world. The spirits of our foolish deeds haunt us, with or without repentance.’
Gilbert Parker
Spence was the only one who could have talked his way into coming with me. And he stayed true to his word, not saying anything except when essential, which was basically, ‘Time to get petrol,’ and ‘Left here?’