Eclipse of the Heart

chapter 28

Bright and early Friday morning, a FedEx truck pulled into the driveway. Amanda happened to be sitting in the main room of the lighthouse, which ran across the front of the house. She was looking out the window, wondering if it was warm enough to sit comfortably on the porch. An unseen wind blew the leaves of the magnolia tree in the side yard.

She called to Mrs. M. when the delivery guy started over to the big house.

Mrs. MacDonald intercepted him and carried a box back into the house. "Can't imagine what this is," she said cheerfully. "But packages are always nice."

Amanda hoped she'd open it right here and now. Anything was a break in the tedium.

The housekeeper placed the box on the coffee table and bustled into the kitchen for scissors.

When she returned, she slit the seal carefully, brushed aside the bubble wrap, and pulled out a plump, toy panda bear. The body and head were a pure, fluffy white. Midnight black eyes, ears, arms and legs provided a sharp contrast to the immaculate white. A perky red bow adorned the panda's neck.

"Isn't that sweet," Mrs. M. cooed. She plucked a business card out of the box and held it up. Amanda recognized Logan's black scrawl.

Found this in Hong Kong. It's baby safe.

Their eyes met over the card. "A bit unexpected," Amanda said wryly.

"Yes," Mrs. MacDonald said, "and no. People see his toughness, but never the soft side because he keeps hidden."

"Hmmm." Amanda didn't want to argue, especially because she couldn't resist reaching for the little bear. She could so easily picture a baby grabbing onto the plush, big-eyed panda and curling up to sleep.

Emotion washed over her. This was the first present she'd received for her child. She'd never admit it to anyone, but it felt special. Mentally, she winged a message of thanks out to Logan, sad to think he was so far away, but accepting that it was best for both of them to move on with their lives. It couldn't matter to her where he was.

She set the panda on the rocking chair in her room.

The following Friday, rain was drenching the Cape, and the two women were drinking tea in the kitchen when the doorbell rang.

"Are you expecting anyone?" Mrs. MacDonald asked.

Amanda laughed. "Have I had any visitors yet? I don't think today is my lucky day."

Mrs. M. carried in the white FedEx box which was addressed to her. "Another surprise," she said comfortably. "The man has style."

"You don't know what it is," Amanda pointed out. She didn't want to acknowledge that her own heart had sped up a little in anticipation.

As soon as the package was open, she recognized the distinctive, almost-turquoise Tiffany blue of the box. A thick white satin ribbon was tied around the box with a perfect bow.

"You go ahead and open it," Mrs. M. said. "I'm sure it's for the baby."

"It was addressed to you," Amanda pointed out.

With a smile and a shake of her head, the housekeeper folded her hands on the table.

Amanda slowly pulled off the white ribbon and took the cover off the box. Nestled inside was a silver picture frame. A Tiffany bow was engraved on the upper left corner. Wavy, engraved streamers ran along the top and left side of the frame. The spot for the picture was blank, just waiting for a photo of her baby.

The ribbons seemed to reach out and curl around her heart. Anticipation rose within her as she thought about the baby picture she'd place in the frame. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would it have her light colored hair, or Logan's raven-dark hair? His gray eyes or her own brown eyes? If it was a boy, she couldn't help hoping he'd look at least a bit like Logan.

Sighing, she placed the frame on the table. It was a reminder of the fact that she'd have to send photos to Logan. Regardless of her wishes, he was not going to disappear from her life. Or, at least not from his child's.

She couldn't be sure why he was sending these presents. Was it pure generosity? Or was he subtly reminding her each time of his claim?

Whether she liked it or not, it would be his baby as well.

The next Friday, both women were waiting with anticipation for the FedEx delivery. They were not disappointed.

He sent a darling baby mobile, with pastel-colored jungle animals hanging from a carousel top.

The wrapping paper rustled as Mrs. M. touched a blue elephant. "Hand-knit," she said.

"So soft." Amanda stroked the tawny lion.

Logan's note said: Our child will need strength, courage, and the ability to reach for the stars. Tell me, what does the zebra represent?

Amanda passed the note over to her companion. "Clever, isn't he?"

"Okay, the elephant is for strength, the lion for courage. The giraffe is the star-reacher." Mrs. M. tapped the brightly contrasting black and white stripes. "What about the zebra?"

Amanda pondered the little animal, trying to ignore the mushy feeling in her heart. "A zebra is nothing if not a herd animal," she said. "Could it represent community?"

Mrs. M. nodded. "Nothing more important when you're bringing a baby into the world than a community of people to love her."

Amanda pressed her lips together. She knew exactly what Logan meant. Family. The communal unit that would provide the ideal environment for her baby.

She dropped the mobile back in the box. Wonderful, happy people were raised in less than ideal environments, as well. She'd have to remember that.

Mrs. MacDonald reached for the tote bag she used for her crochet. She pulled out a partially finished pale blue and green baby blanket. The colors had been cleverly shaded together so the blanket looked like a calmly rolling sea.

"This little zebra reminds me of something I've been meaning to say," Mrs. M. commented.

"Please don't," Amanda begged. "Especially not if you're planning to talk about Logan."

Mrs. M. aimed a crochet hook at her. "Your baby needs a father. So I can't help talking about Logan since, if I don't miss my guess, he's the one who can most likely claim that title."

"My baby doesn't need an absentee father." Amanda's hands moved protectively to cover her stomach.

The crochet hook stabbed the air again. "I have never known Logan Winter to shirk a responsibility. He would not be an absentee father."

Amanda wished she could snuggle up to the baby blanket and hide from the world. "I'm sure he would adhere to his idea of responsibility," she said. "I don't choose to let my life be manipulated by what he thinks is best."

"He has an excellent track record of knowing what's best," Mrs. M. responded sharply.

"I don't doubt it," Amanda said stiffly. "I still prefer to lead my own life."

"You're depriving him of the right to be involved in his child's life. Is that fair?"

Amanda blew out a sharp sigh. "Life isn't fair."

"No one knows that better than Logan." Mrs. M stabbed the baby blanket like it was a demon she needed to slay.

"What are you trying to say?"

"He deserves some happiness," the woman answered fiercely. "Can't you see that?"

"What makes you think I can give him that happiness? He told me that he was unable to love. Should I offer my child up to a man who says that?"

"Of course he can love! He's just afraid to do so."

"Afraid? Why? What happened to him? What is the big mystery no one can talk about?"

"I can't tell his story." Mrs. M. sighed, her burst of fierceness disappearing. "Can't you see? Nothing scares him more than the thought of loving someone he may lose."

"Loss is always a possibility," Amanda pointed out. "There are no guarantees in life." The words echoed in her head, reminding her of the loss she'd sustained. Had she ever moved beyond the death of her father? Was she still reacting to that pain in her determination never to be dependent again on someone who might, one way or another, leave her?

"You have a strange view of humanity," Mrs. M. said, "thinking you're all alone on this big old planet and can't accept help from anyone." She poked her crochet hook into the blanket and pulled the yarn fast. "None of us are totally independent."

"Who's going to take care of me if I don't?"

Mrs. M. snorted. "Take care of you? I'm taking care of you right now, on behalf of Logan."

"He forced me to accept this help! He threatened me with a custody battle!"

"Good for him. Who would be helping you otherwise? You're in a very dependent state right now. That doesn't make you less of a person, does it?"

Amanda shoved back her chair, wincing at the loud screech. Yes, she was an incomplete person. Ever since her father died, and left a big hole in her heart, and a sense of insecurity that she hadn't been able to banish yet. She had to depend on herself. That had been her mantra since she was ten years old. She couldn't alter it now.

Biting her lip, she carried her teacup over to the sink, accepting the painful reality of her current life. Carrying a teacup was about the extent of what she could do on her own. Yes, she was dependent on the kindness of others.

"That's enough plain speaking for today." Mrs. M. folded up the blanket. "I've got to get lunch on. But you're hurting a person who doesn't deserve it and you need to think about that."

Amanda clenched her hands on the sink and stared out the window. "Logan is the least emotionally needy person I've ever known."

"Then you don't know him well."

The two women maintained an uneasy truce over the weekend. Mrs. M. would never shirk her duty, and Amanda knew a calm atmosphere was best for the baby. She certainly wasn't going to bring up the subject of Logan again.

Unfortunately, the next attack came from an unexpected source.

Rosie.

She called first thing Monday morning. In her usual way, she started off bluntly. "I don't know what you've been up to, girl, but he's giving up on you."

No need to wonder who 'he' was.

"I'm not responsible for whatever Logan chooses to do." She thought that sounded quite dignified.

"He's putting the Cape house on the market."

Amanda gasped as her dignity fled. "Where I'm living?"

Rosie snorted. "Don't worry. There's a clause that says you can remain in the guest house for as long as you like."

A whisper of relief blew through Amanda. She must have made a sound.

"Yeah," Rosie said sarcastically. "Isn't it nice that he's still able to show consideration for you, when you can't even be bothered to take his phone calls?"

"Have you been sending these baby gifts?" Amanda demanded. She wouldn't give Logan a glimmer of credit if Rosie had been doing all the work.

"What gifts?"

Amanda sighed. "Never mind. Why's he selling?"

"Something about a friend who needs money. You know, Logan is nothing if not loyal."

"When did you become president of his fan club?"

"You're a stubborn fool, Amanda."

"I need my independence. Why is that so hard for everyone to accept?"

"The man wants a connection to his child! Why is that so hard for you to accept?"

"He's been whining to you?"

Rosie blew an exasperated sound through the phone. "We've been meeting after work about my clothing line. Logan's writin' a business plan for me."

"Hey, Rosie, that's great." Amanda's tone softened. "I don't blame you for feeling kindly toward him. With your talent and his connections, I know you'll do well."

"I'm gonna need your help, too, after you get this baby popped."

Amanda laughed. "It will be my pleasure."

She disconnected thoughtfully. She supposed she shouldn't be surprised that the other women in Logan's life thought so highly of him. He had plenty of charm when he wanted to use it. Maybe she should listen to what they were saying. Was she cutting off her nose to spite her face?