chapter 28
At his words, Linda had closed her eyes.
The shakiness in Tony’s chest rose. Had he pushed things too far? Shared too much of himself? He hadn’t been going to tell Linda about wanting to marry her, but she’d been feeling so vulnerable. So unsure of herself. She’d trusted him enough to confide in him, and he’d wanted to give her a piece of himself in return.
He shouldn’t have piled so much on her at once. He wasn’t just a drug addict but a cop. Not just a former boyfriend but a man who’d wanted to marry her. Not just a man she’d once loved, but a man who was virtually a stranger to her.
To himself. He leaned back against the bed, breaking his contact with her, and swiped a hand over his face. Christ. Did he even know who he was anymore?
“You were going to propose to me?” Linda whispered. “And you thought that bag of pills would make me say yes?”
“It sounds stupid now, but at the time I was feeling cocky. And desperate. I knew you hated your father for being weak. And even though we were trying to make things work, I knew you thought I was weak, too. How else could I prove that I deserved you? So much for that plan, right?”
She crossed an arm over her eyes, hiding herself from him, then spoke. “I blamed the disintegration of our family on my father. Blamed him for everything. He put his addiction and his lawless lifestyle before his family. I wasn’t going to see that happen again.”
“Yeah,” Tony said, “you made that clear.”
Linda turned her back to him, and for a moment Tony thought she was leaving. Getting up off the bed. But instead she snuggled close against him, nestling her bottom against his crotch. She reached behind her, felt for his hand, and wrapped his arm around her waist, settling his hand on her breast.
Hope fluttered to life but he ruthlessly squashed it down. This was good, but it was a stasis of sorts. He was neither coming nor going. Neither happy nor sad. The future was full of unknown possibilities, including more disappointment. She wasn’t kicking him out. But he wasn’t willing to allow himself to hope.
Not yet.
“Am I just another girl with daddy issues?” she whispered. “And are they issues of my own making?”
“A father in prison? I don’t think you’re making anything up. But after finding that box of letters from him, you must be feeling...confused. Unsettled. In a matter of days you found out two people you were close to weren’t what you thought. First me, then your dad.”
For several minutes the only sound in the room was the low hum of the air conditioner and Linda’s tight breath.
“I’ve judged both of you when I had no right. How’s that for irony?”
“Of course you had a right. We hurt you. That’s not what we wanted, but we did, and you wanted to protect yourself.”
“But I hurt you, too. And all you did was protect me. And even my father, he deeded me the property in Grass Valley when I hadn’t seen or heard from him in years.”
“You’re his daughter. He knows you loved him. You just didn’t get the benefit of knowing he loved you. Not through his letters.”
“My mother didn’t tell me about them.”
“She wanted to protect you.”
“I need to see him, don’t I?”
“It might do you good. Someday. But don’t ask too much of yourself.”
She shifted to face him. “How can you say that? Look how much you ask of yourself? You’re endangering your own life, living without those you love, because you’re trying to do the right thing. But when do you get to be happy, Tony?”
He stiffened. “When I’ve done enough to make up for my past.”
“What past? You never hurt anyone on purpose. You have nothing to make up for. But you don’t believe that, do you?”
“Do you believe it about yourself?” he countered.
She nodded, the movement sending her silken hair sliding across the pillow to rest on his cheek. He breathed in deep, taking in the scent of her shampoo. The scent of her. Instinctively he knew she wasn’t answering in the affirmative, but rather agreeing with the point he was making. He pulled her in closer to his body.
“What a pair we make,” she said with a sigh. “Speaking of which, we’re still a team in this. We’re going to find the supplier of that drug, Tony. And when we do, we’ll revisit this conversation about what we each deserve and what we have to make up for. Deal?”
He smiled. “Deal.” When he kissed the back of her neck, she let out a deep, shuddering sigh of contentment. He felt that same contentment. And right now, for a few hours at least, he was going to enjoy it.
* * *
The next morning Justine still hadn’t answered any of his calls so he went looking for her again. He couldn’t deny it anymore—he was worried about her. Where the hell could she be? Had something happened to her? Had someone found out she was helping Tony and decided to do something about it?
As he drove around town, he battled the mother of all headaches. Sex with Linda last night had been beyond amazing, but for a man who’d been pounded like a piece of brisket and had just battled an infection, the aftereffects were rather painful. For the past few days he’d been swallowing ibuprofen along with the antibiotics, but the meds were doing little for the sledgehammer going at it in his head.
As he grew more and more panicked about Justine, Tony told himself to think logically. If something had happened to her, he’d have heard about it by now. Maybe she didn’t want him to find her. Maybe Linda was right and she didn’t really care about Tony’s mission to find the supplier and was happily getting high somewhere.
Yet he knew she’d genuinely loved Rory. And she’d done a lot to give Tony the credibility he needed to win over Guapo’s supporters. He was indebted to her. And for that, whether she used drugs or not, he owed her.
But for now there was little he could do if Justine wasn’t picking up her phone or situated anywhere he could find her. Tony drove to the beat-up house that served as his headquarters. When he arrived, Carl was passed out on the living-room couch, beer bottles at his feet and drug paraphernalia littering the scarred coffee table in front of him. With a snarl of disgust, Tony shoved Carl to the floor.
After some fumbling and swearing Carl shoved himself up on his hands and knees, and stared at the stained shag carpet in front of him. Then he raised foggy eyes to Tony, blinked and grinned. “Hey, man. Where you been? You are in some serious trouble, dude. Justine’s been on a warpath since you disappeared. Thinks you ran off with some other woman.”
Tony swallowed hard, knowing perfectly well that Justine would know he’d been with Linda. But right now he was still undercover and as such he played his part. “You know what the rules are,” Tony said, his voice low and filled with venom. “Drink all you want, screw all you want, but do not bring drugs in here. I do not want anything at this house that could link us to the business. Are you a moron, Carl?”
This pretense was exhausting. He hated playing the tough guy. Having to be tough. Constantly on alert. Suspicious. It was becoming more reality than fantasy.
Except when he was with Linda. With Linda, he could be himself. Relax. Be gentle. Soft.
Well, not quite soft, he thought with a completely inappropriate spurt of amusement.
Carl sat back on his haunches, his hands resting lightly on his thighs. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist. Justine’s been MIA the past few days, too. She showed up last night, stoned out of her mind and going on and on about having hit the mother lode. Said she understood why her brother had gotten hooked on Rapture. Said you were an idiot for trying to stop the supplier from selling more.” Carl’s eyes narrowed. “Wonder what she meant by that?”
Tony shrugged, though inside he was reeling from Justine’s betrayal. “Who the hell knows? You just said she was stoned out of her mind. Is that what you’re high on? Rapture?”
“No,” Carl whined. “She said she didn’t have any more, so I had to make do with what I could.”
“Did she say where she got the Rapture?” And whether this was the first time she’d tried it, Tony thought. Had she been using Rapture the entire time they’d been working together?
“Some place with lots of traffic. A club.”
“What club?” Tony snapped even as suspicion made his heart pick up speed. He gripped Carl’s hair and yanked his head back, making the man wince.
“Quit it, man, or I’m going to hurl.”
Looking around, Tony spotted an empty beer bottle, grabbed it and broke it against the wall. Yanking Carl’s head back even farther, he held the jagged glass threateningly close to Carl’s throat. “What club?” he asked again.
Carl’s eyes were as wide as saucers and it took him several attempts to speak. “A place called Club Matrix.”
* * *
After taking evasive precautions to make sure he wasn’t followed, Tony drove back to the hotel where Linda was staying. “You might be right about Justine,” Tony told her. “She’s been going to Club Matrix. She might even have been there last night. More important, she went there to score Rapture and she’s been getting high on the stuff.” Pacing, he ran his hands through his hair. “But why? I don’t understand. Why would she take the drug that killed Rory?”
“She might have already been using the stuff when Rory was killed. Who knows? Even if she hadn’t been, she was using something. Plus...well...women will do crazy things out of jealousy.”
Tony stopped pacing. “But who would Justine be jealous of?”
Linda stared at him as if he was an idiot. “Of me, Tony. She was obviously in love with you.”
“What? No. I mean, I know I deliberately misled you about our relationship, and maybe I haven’t been explicit with her about my feelings, but...but...”
“But you kissed her in court, remember? Even if it was to hurt me...”
He winced and swiped his hands over his face.
Despite his obvious discomfort, Linda forced herself to continue. “If she loves you, how do you think she felt when you disappeared for days without contacting her? Especially knowing how you feel about me?”
“I never told her about us or how I felt about you—” Tony said quickly.
“You wouldn’t have to. She would have seen the way you looked at me. A woman who loves a man would recognize his desire for another woman. And you know what they say about a woman scorned.” She snorted. “For all we know she’s the person behind the attempts on my life—” Her eyes widened as the truth of her own words sunk in.
He felt his own eyes widen, as well. “No,” he whispered. “I can’t have been that wrong about her. Can’t have brought that kind of sicko danger into your life simply because some woman...some woman...”
“Cares about you, Tony. It might be in some kind of twisted way, but she does care about you.”
His face tightened. “If she’s responsible for the threats on your life, that’s not going to stop me from—”
His cell phone rang. When he looked at the screen, he cursed. “It’s her. But why now? Carl must have told her I came by.”
Linda nudged him as the phone continued to ring. “Aren’t you going to answer?”
“I—I don’t know. Damn it, if what you just said is true, what am I going to do? Confront her? Risk her blowing my cover and ruining everything I’ve worked for?”
Linda cupped his face in her hands and urged him to look at her. As he gazed at her, his accelerated heartbeat slowed slightly.
“You’re going to do what you need to do, Tony. And if there’s any way you can help Justine while doing it, you will. Because you’re you.”
He swallowed hard. Basked in the pleasure of her faith in him. At least in this, right here and right now, she had faith in him.
“Answer the phone,” she said softly.
He did.
Several minutes later, he hung up and looked back at Linda. Anger. Fear. Dread. They swirled through him like a tornado, making him shake and breathe hard. He shook his head in disbelief. “She said she set up a meeting between me and the guy she’s been buying Rapture from. I have no idea whether it’s the same man who contacted me or not, and I didn’t tell her about that. I’m supposed to meet her at the club tonight.”
“But,” she prompted.
“But...she knows I’ve been seeing you. And she doesn’t like it. She says she’ll make sure the meeting goes through. But only if I meet her at a motel before the designated time. Take some of the Rapture drugs. And have sex with her.”