chapter 19
Tony had been jolted to consciousness several minutes ago and now had to grit his teeth to keep from groaning. Linda drove slowly over a road full of potholes—moon craters were more like it—and despite the obvious care she took not to go too fast and to maneuver around the biggest dips, every rocking movement of the car caused pain to zing through him, refusing to let him pass out again. Instead of telling her he was awake, however, Tony kept his eyes shut and his head in the crook of his arm. When Linda finally brought the car to a halt, set the emergency brake and turned the engine off, he still didn’t open his eyes.
Couldn’t open his eyes.
The shooting spears of pain up his back and his leg was a type of pain he was used to. But the ache in his head, in his joints, in the very marrow of his bones? It was the same pain he’d been in in the hospital after Guapo had been killed. A pain he’d hoped never to experience again. The pain of infection.
Just like it had in the hospital, his blood boiled beneath the surface of his skin, through all arteries and veins, heating him up from the inside out. At some point during their trip he remembered Linda stopping at a pharmacy to pick up antibiotics and codeine. Codeine he wasn’t going to take.
The pain was enough to deal with right now. He couldn’t risk being doped up, too.
Linda’s life had been threatened again. Plus, he’d missed his appointment with the Rapture supplier. If the meeting had been a scam, one meant to ensure he wasn’t around when Linda was attacked, then he needed every clearheaded advantage he could get. And if the meeting had been legit, well, he’d have to come up with a damn good excuse for standing the supplier up in hopes of convincing him to give him another chance.
First, however, he needed to figure out where Linda had taken him.
Some out-of-the-way hotel? Given the condition of the road they’d just traveled, Tony wasn’t too keen on seeing what the hotel looked like.
“Tony?” Linda whispered his name from the driver’s seat.
He couldn’t fake unconsciousness any longer. Couldn’t stay in the car forever. He forced his eyes open, the mere action of lifting his lids causing another blast of pain. Oh, God.
“We’re here,” she said, her voice still soft.
This time he looked at her, and another ache swarmed through his heart. The concern in her eyes, the deep wrinkles in her forehead, the way she held her body tight and curved in, as if scared for him, made him want to erase his very existence from her life.
He could handle the pain of his injuries and the infection, but he couldn’t handle the pain of knowing he was hurting her. Again.
He pulled his gaze off hers and slowly, slowly straightened until he could see out the car window. To his surprise he saw not a hotel but towering pines, filtered moonlight and a faded log cabin. The faint murmur of running water came through the window, which was open a crack. “Where are we?” he asked.
“Just outside Grass Valley,” Linda answered, her voice tight.
“Why?”
“My family used to vacation here and now I own the property. Someone could probably track down that fact eventually, but I figure I’ve bought us a few days, at least.”
“A few days for what?” He clenched his teeth to keep in his groan. The pain brought by speaking undulated like waves through his body. Still, his mind imagined spending a few days in paradise with Linda with nothing but time to hold one another and talk. Too bad he couldn’t talk about anything that was the truth. Faced with that knowledge and what would be her inevitable questions, all he wanted was to slide back into oblivion.
“We need to get you inside,” Linda said. “Can you walk?”
Sure. All he had to do was make his way into her house, then he could find a bed to collapse on. No biggie.
But when he tried to stand, his body betrayed him. The world spun and he closed his eyes. She’d better hurry, or he’d pass out again.
She quickly unclicked her seat belt and came around to his side of the car. “I’m opening your door, Tony. Don’t fall out.”
It took five minutes, but between Linda’s arm around his waist, the flashlight she carried in her other hand to illuminate their path and her murmured words of encouragement, he made it inside the log cabin and onto the bed in some dark back bedroom. There he lay, shaking and sweating profusely.
“Thanks. I’m gonna sleep.”
“Only for an hour. I have to wake you up every hour and ask you questions, just like the doctor said. I can also give you some codeine to make you more comfortable. But first...you’re soaking, Tony. We need to get your clothes off.”
Now weren’t those wonderful words to hear? His mind immediately filled with visions of their entwined bodies. Had it been just yesterday that he’d had her? Been loved by her, at least physically? But he knew she viewed him asexually right now. Probably like a child. The thought made his voice harsher than he’d intended. “Leave me alone, Linda,” he bit out.
Her expression pinched with hurt and he forced himself to look away.
He needed to be alone.
In the dark.
Fighting off the pain.
He needed her to leave. He didn’t deserve her. He was flawed. Had made too many mistakes.
He should leave right now. But he couldn’t.
He was suddenly freezing.
Why was he so cold?
Why was Linda’s voice so far away?
Why was the world spinning, even though his eyes were closed?
And why, oh, why, couldn’t he stop himself from reaching out for her?
* * *
Seeing Tony turn and reach for her, as if he couldn’t help himself, nearly brought tears to Linda’s eyes.
Linda swallowed hard, then pulled off his clothes, even his underwear. She did it to make him comfortable and make sure he got better, but part of her couldn’t help but react to his nakedness. She’d felt him inside her when they’d made love. Seen more of his naked body when they’d been at his house on Tortuga. But now he was completely and totally naked, unable to hide from her devouring eyes. She took in the familiar things about his body and the things that had changed.
There was the mole, just above his right nipple, that she loved to kiss.
He was more heavily padded with muscle. The ridges of his abdomen more defined. And below that...
Even soft, Tony was impressive. And familiar. So familiar.
She felt the warmth of arousal but more than that, she felt a pang of deep affection for this man. She wanted to cradle him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But she couldn’t know that.
Gently she washed him down with a cool wet cloth. Afterward she took his temperature and did it again every half hour just as her friend Pam had instructed. His temperature hovered between 100 and 102, which was better than the 104 it had been at the hospital.
But she’d continue to keep vigil over him to make sure he didn’t relapse.
The evening transformed into dawn and Tony’s fever continued to rage on, causing him to occasionally thrash on the bed. At one point he became so restless that she left the wicker rocking chair to sit on the side of the double bed.
She smoothed her palm over his face and he quieted. As he slept, she let her mind wander to the past. Not their past together, but her past before she’d ever met him.
This had been her parents’ room when she was young—she and Kathy had shared the room up on the second story, the one tucked in the eaves, where she’d read books and dreamed through her summer days. That is, until the neighbor boys had noticed her and had taken her under their wing. She’d quickly learned how to ditch a sleeping Kathy by clambering out the window onto the broad-sloped roof and grabbing hold of the oak branch close by, then swinging herself down to the ground.
She’d been twelve the first time she’d snuck out of the house. Fifteen the last time.
The white cotton sheet she’d covered Tony with after removing his sweat-drenched clothes was now tangled between his thighs. She moved to pull the covering up, over his chest, and he shifted.
“God, it hurts,” Tony moaned.
Of course he hurt. He’d been beaten by Guapo and then Larry Moser when he’d stuck up for that kid in lockup. Then he’d had the wind knocked out of him when he’d saved her from the drive-by shooting, been attacked at her house and was now feeling the effects of a raging infection. How much pain could one man stand?
“I’m sorry,” she murmured, holding his hand in hers. “I know it hurts. I wish I could take your pain away. But you’re strong, Tony. You’ll get through this.” Then she remembered the codeine she’d picked up. Since Pam had administered the first dose at the hospital, Tony wasn’t due more antibiotics yet, but she could give him some codeine for the pain. “Let me get your pills, Tony.”
He shook his head almost frantically. “Don’t go. God, Linda, don’t go. I don’t need pills. I never did. All I need is you.”
A tight knot formed in her belly and pressed upward, under her ribs. He was delirious. Didn’t know what he was saying. But yet she knew he was finally speaking the truth to her. At least the truth as he believed it to be at the moment.
He didn’t want her to leave him. And that was a really good thing.
Because she wasn’t going anywhere.
Her hands shook as she stroked his face with light fingertips. “I won’t go, Tony,” she whispered. “I’m here. Right here.”
Tony moaned, and settled. Linda waited, stroking his head as if reassuring a small child. One more shift in position, then his breathing grew slow and steady. His facial muscles relaxed as he finally fell into a deep sleep. The knot pressing against her heart untied itself.
It was nearly noon when Linda began to feel faint from hunger. After visiting Tony at his house on Tortuga Boulevard, she’d been too upset to eat. And eating had certainly been the last thing on her mind while nursing Tony. Now, however, she needed to take advantage of the fact Tony was sleeping peacefully.
Going to the kitchen, she scrounged in the pantry for something to eat. Instant noodles or pasta with marinara sauce seemed one of the few options. Not exactly what she preferred to eat for breakfast, but she’d have to make do. She put a pot of water on to boil, and then grabbed her gym bag out of the trunk of her car. The clothes in it were old and stale from the last time she’d worked out, but they’d have to do. She hadn’t exactly taken time to pack after Tony had warned her a dirty cop was trying to hurt her.
Quickly she showered, threw her dirty clothes into the washer, then went into the kitchen to prepare a meal of rigatoni and marina sauce, with canned marinated artichoke hearts on the side. As she ate, she played the messages that had built up on her cell phone over the morning, taking notes with a pen filled with fake gold flakes—Welcome to the Gold Country!—on a pad of yellowed paper she found in one of the kitchen drawers.
Her boss, District Attorney Norman Peterson, had called twice. A deputy from the Sacramento County Sheriff’s Department had called. And Neil had called five times.
Lord, what was she going to tell them? Court had already begun and her secretary had likely already scrambled to find another attorney to sub for her. A flood of guilt filled her for her irresponsibility. Oh, give yourself a break, Linda.
She’d almost been gunned down yesterday. Seemed like a good excuse to take some time off.
She called Norm and left a message on his work phone, letting him know she needed some down time before returning to work. Then she returned Neil’s calls.
He answered on the second ring. “Linda. Where the hell have you been?”
Was that concern or censure she heard in his tone? “I just got your messages, Neil. I’m sorry I didn’t call earlier. Something important came up.”
“Something more important than getting shot at or your cases that are set for hearing this morning? Damn it, I thought you were dead. That whoever it was that shot at you had tried again.”
Okay, so that was definitely both concern and censure she was hearing. She bit her lip and mentally formulated her words before speaking again. She didn’t want Neil to know that she’d gone to see Tony, let alone that they were together. She was treading a thin line between professional standards and reckless behavior, yes, but no matter what Tony had done, no matter what he’d become, he was helpless to defend himself right now. Bottom line, he’d saved her and she was returning the favor.
“Neil,” she said, “that shooting affected me more than I expected. I’m still shaky, and I need to take some time away. I’ve called and left Norm a message and I’m sure he’ll understand.”
Neil chuffed out a breath. “I’m sure he’ll understand, but I’m not sure I do. When you didn’t return my messages, I went by your place. One of your neighbors told me she saw two men scuffling in your yard, and that you’d hit them with a Taser. Yet you didn’t file a report with the police and you certainly haven’t said anything at all about that.”
Damn. She’d thought no one had seen what had happened.
But nearsighted neighbors aside, there was something else causing her concern. Since when did Neil talk to her in that superior, condescending way? Her first instinct was to call him on his domineering behavior, but since she didn’t want to arouse his suspicions any more than she had and because she wanted to get back to Tony... “Was it Mrs. Whitlock?” she asked with a little laugh. “The little old lady in the house to the right of my place? The one with all the wooden ducks?”
“One and the same.” She could almost picture Neil rubbing the back of his neck. “And I think those are geese.”
“Right. Well, Mrs. Whitlock is retired from the Post Office and has plenty of time to peer out her windows and spread gossip. She’s never used this much imagination, though.”
“So what she said about two men—”
“There were two men in my yard, but they weren’t scuffling”—that wasn’t quite a lie—“and I can promise you I absolutely did not Taser anybody.” Although she had come close, she thought. Given sufficient reason, she knew she wouldn’t have hesitated to hit the other man with a thousand volts of electricity to save Tony.
And what did that say about her? About them together?
“Then who were the men, Linda? And where are you? After what happened to you yesterday, I want to make sure you’re safe.”
His words made her feel better about his high-handed manner earlier. She’d trusted Neil enough to let him handle Tony’s case, and she wanted to trust him now...
But Tony’s words about dirty cops, along with her own knowledge of them, as well as dirty judges and murdering drug dealers, kept her cautious. “I had a couple of male friends over, that’s all. They were goofing off.”
“Male friends.” More censure in his voice. And a hint of jealousy? “And where are you now?”
Such an innocuous, reasonable question, but it made her nervous. Or was it suspicious? “I’m taking some time off to ground myself. You know how tough it’s been for me to see Tony again...and now, with the shooting, well...”
“I don’t think you should be alone, Linda. Let me—”
“Please don’t worry, Neil. I’m fine. Really. Goodbye.”
After she hung up, she thought about what she’d said.
Was she going to be fine?
Not until Tony was healthy again and out of whatever bind he was in.
Not until her heart stopped aching every time she caught a glimpse of him.
Not until her breath stopped whooshing out of her lungs every time he said her name.
No, she wasn’t fine, and she didn’t know if she’d ever be fine again.
* * *
In his dreams, Tony’s past, present and future merged into disorienting vignettes that bled into each other. The only constant in them was Linda, and that’s what kept him from fighting his way to consciousness. Even when being with Linda caused him pain, it was so much better than the chilling, hollow feeling he felt without her, knowing he was never going to be with her again.
Linda caressed his face. Murmured reassurances. Tucked a blanket around him when he was cold and gave him water when he was hot. She also recognized when he was in pain, and though she didn’t promise to take it away, she held his hand and promised him she wouldn’t leave. And that was enough.
In his dreams Tony had been granted a second chance to be with the woman he loved, and he wanted nothing more than to stay with her forever.
Only that feeling of blissful oblivion was a little too familiar.
It was the same feelings he’d sought the drugs for.
And those feelings had never lasted. Not only that, but they’d destroyed everything he’d treasured. And something told him that if he wanted Linda, really wanted her outside of his dreams, he couldn’t allow himself to luxuriate in a life without constant pain.
As hard as it was, he needed to face reality. For reality always intruded, and if he didn’t face it himself, he’d spend it alone again. For an eternity.
Despite how heavy they were, he forced his eyes open.
His vision was hazy. Still dreamlike.
But he could sense her beside him. Feel her hand in his.
He tightened his fingers, holding on to her like a lifeline, and eventually his vision cleared and she came into view.
His breath seized.
He knew he was no longer dreaming, yet she looked like a dream. One he’d had on many occasions. It was as if their years apart had never happened.
Her hair was loose, her face bare of makeup and she was wearing a familiar-looking T-shirt, one of his, that she’d often worn to bed.
“I’ve been looking for that shirt,” he murmured.
She blushed, looking slightly guilty, then tipped up her chin. “You left it behind.”
“And you didn’t burn it. Why?”
“Why would I burn it, Tony? Breaking up with you wasn’t what I wanted. It was just what needed to be done.”
She tugged her hand away from his. For a second he tightened his grip, wanting to hold on to her, but then he forced himself to let go. Of her. Of their past.
He wanted what was good for her.
He had to remember that.
So what had changed? Why was he—
Memories flooded in. Not of their past, so long ago, but of their recent past. The drive-by. Her catching him in her neighborhood and them making love.
God, he still couldn’t believe they’d made love. Even in pain, the memory just made him want her more. And he’d wanted her so badly already.
Linda coming to his house. Him following her home. The big man outside her house. A man he suspected might have been sent by Yee. Either way, Linda had been in danger. His gaze flew to hers. “The police. Did you—”
She frowned, then slowly shook her head. “I haven’t called anyone. After what you said, after what happened with that dirty cop before, I thought it was best if I waited.”
He sighed with relief. For some reason she’d trusted him and done what he’d asked.
She picked up a bottle from the nightstand and poured something into a spoon. “You need to take some antibiotics.”
Dutifully, he opened his mouth for the spoon and swallowed down the bitter-tasting medicine, then some water from the glass she offered.
As she fiddled with recapping the bottle, he looked around the room, his vision still coming and going in waves. Knotty pine walls. An old dresser. Red-and-white-checkered curtains fluttered in a gentle breeze that smelled of mint and wet earth. The trickle and hum of a creek sounded nearby.
“This is your folks’ old place, right?” he asked, trying to raise himself up in the bed. Dizziness hit, and with it, nausea. He groaned and closed his eyes.
Linda put down another medicine bottle she’d been looking at—the codeine—and helped ease him back down to the bed.
“Yes. You remember me telling you that when we got here?”
He shifted, the cotton sheet cool against his skin. Wait a minute... He pulled the sheet up and peered down. “I remember you driving me here. I don’t remember you getting me naked.”
He looked up in time to see Linda blush furiously, her cheeks now on fire. If he wasn’t so exhausted, he’d grin.
“Your clothes needed to come off. They were covered in sweat and even a little blood. You should be in the hospital, but since you vehemently objected to that option, we’re hiding out here, where we’re safe. At least, we’re safe long enough for you to get back on your feet.”
But why had she brought him here? Why had she trusted him when she should be hating him? Running from him?
Because she’d believed what he’d told her.
But was that a good thing or a bad thing? Nothing had changed. It couldn’t be coincidence that as soon as he’d shown up, she’d been put in danger.
Yet she refused to give up and walk away. She’d keep digging until she got answers and he was becoming less and less willing to deprive her of them.
Weak, he thought again. He’d always been weak, but especially so where Linda was concerned.
And it didn’t matter. He couldn’t help thinking about being with her again. In her bed. And maybe in this one. But even if he didn’t make love to her again, he was with her.
And that meant everything to him.
He covered his face with a hand. Nausea pounded him from the inside and this time he actually focused on the pain that had been hovering at his subconscious.
“Talk later,” he managed to get out.
“Wait. Let me give you some codeine—”
“Later,” he repeated and closed his eyes.
“Later,” Linda whispered, and then was gone.