“What the hell is wrong with me?” I say out loud while grabbing the popcorn in the kitchen. I just got all stupid over nothing. There’s this thing happening to me. I don’t understand it. The pull between us grows stronger and as much as I want to fight it, I feel helpless. I want to be around him. I want him to come over and be here, but then I don’t, and honestly the only reason is that I’m scared.
Scared of having feelings for another man, and a man exactly like my husband. One who will lay down his life for another. It’s the same fate I’m living now, and I don’t know that I could endure this again. I definitely don’t want my daughter to ever know the hurt of losing yet another man in her life. Only this time, it would be so much worse. She would actually know Liam. So I have to stop this—whatever it is.
I head back out into the living room with the bowl and sit next to Liam. His stance is ridiculously rigid as my obvious diversion must not have gone unnoticed. “Want some?” I ask, handing him the bowl.
He laughs and digs his hand in, tossing a few kernels at me. “Smooth, Lee.” Liam chuckles and I laugh despite my embarrassment. “Come here, let’s finish our movie.”
Taking a grounding breath, I lean back into him.
The movie drags on forever. I will never understand how I got stuck watching this. This was one of Aaron’s favorite movies too. He and Mark would recite lines to each other any time they could. I miss the little things. A tear pricks and confliction overtakes me once again.
I settle in and try to let my mind stop turning. It’s crazy how easy and domestic this moment is. Lying in Liam’s arms, watching television after working all day. How we had dinner, put Aarabelle to bed, and now we’re just spending time together. It’s only felt weird because I’ve made it weird. It’s felt . . . right. I could do this every day and be content.
I shouldn’t want this.
But I do.
I shouldn’t be comfortable in his arms.
But I am.
I should make him leave and put some distance between us.
But I can’t.
I hear the line Aaron used to recite from the movie, “Hold up, wait a minute, let me put some pimpin’ in it.”
I burst out laughing and so does Liam. I look at him as I remember. I remember how he used to sound, how his face was after he’d say it. The way his eyes crinkled and he’d smile when I’d roll my eyes. I remember it all and I start crying. Not tears from laughing, but full out tears. It hurts to remember. The pain crashes over me like waves on the shore. They roll in one after the other and each one breaks my heart a little more. I want the pain to stop.
Liam’s eyes go wide when he realizes I’m not laughing. He immediately takes me into his arms and holds me close. “Lee? What’s wrong?” The panic is clear in his voice.
“Oh my God!” I cry louder and it doesn’t stop. “I can’t,” I say in between breaths. Holy shit, I’m falling apart. “I can’t breathe.”
Guilt assaults me for thinking of a life with Liam while I’m still so fresh to this new life, making it hard to breathe.
Liam holds my face in his hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. “Why are you crying? What happened?” he asks confused.
I keep crying as he stares at me like I’m a wounded animal. Which is exactly what I must look like.
He shuts the movie off and the tears continue to fall. “I can’t,” I say and he grips my face again.
“Tell me what to do. I don’t know why you’re crying,” Liam’s voice trembles and he’s looking around frantically for . . . something, anything that would help. “Natalie, calm down.”
“I don’t know. I just . . . it hurts. I don’t want to hurt anymore!” I exclaim as my breathing becomes more labored. I’m having a fucking panic attack. “Make it stop hurting,” I beg.
Liam’s eyes drop and he pulls my face to his slowly. He looks at me as his mouth gets closer and I snap out of whatever the hell that was. “Liam!” I say and pull back. “What are you doing?”
He leans back and grips his neck. “You were crying and I just . . .” he says quickly. “I don’t know. I mean, tears and girls . . .” Liam rambles and gets up. He stands there and wipes his hand down his face. “Guys don’t know what to do with tears!” he says, frustrated.
I smother my enjoyment at the situation. I really do, but he looks ridiculous and endearing.
“Lee, I’m sorry. You were begging me to make it stop.” He starts to pace and speaks fast. “I mean, Jesus.”
“Yeah, but why did you think you should kiss me?” I ask, trying to not smile again. But right now, he’s adorable. He’s flustered and out of his element. I stand and put my hand on his arm to stop him from pacing.