“I don’t either. Maybe we should take all of this one day at a time. I don’t know that I’m ready.” I look at him as he gazes into my eyes. “I know I don’t want you to stop coming around, but I don’t know what I’m capable of. I mean, it’s not even been a year and I just . . .” Tears pool in my eyes as I try to process what happened. I kissed my friend. I kissed Aaron’s friend, and I’m not sure if it’s wrong.
“You’re not getting rid of me. And I don’t want to push you. But I want to kiss you again. Unless you want me to stop?” He waits and my breathing increases.
The anticipation builds inside. It roils and grows, taking up every inch of my soul. I want this. I measure the parts of myself, trying to see whether it’s guilt scraping its way through me or whether it’s desire. The desire pools and smothers any guilt. My heart wants this and so does my body. I inhale and close my eyes, taking in each note of spice and sandalwood. The feel of strong arms wrapped around me. I shiver even though there’s not one part of me that’s cold.
“Do you want me to stop, Lee?” Liam’s voice is husky and laced with want.
Liam’s hands make their way up my spine and then back down around my hips. He lifts me off the ground and his breath warms my face. I can feel him grow closer and closer. “Now’s the time, sweetheart,” he says, practically touching my lips.
“No,” I breathe the word.
“No, you don’t want me to stop, or no, you do?” he asks, his nose brushing against mine. His lips are a millimeter from mine and one nudge and we’d be touching.
“No, I just . . .”
He pulls back the slightest bit. “Just what? What do you want?”
What do I want? I want it all. I want to not hurt anymore, and when I’m around Liam, it’s not so hard. He makes me smile and laugh when I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow. But the best part of him is that he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it. It just happens when he’s around.
“Kiss me.”
He presses his lips to mine softly. There’s no rush, no urgency, he kisses me like I’m delicate and breakable. Liam cherishes me as he holds me in his arms and gives a piece of himself to me. I’m open and vulnerable and this kiss shows me he knows that. He’s not pushing me. He’s giving me strength and understanding.
All too soon he pulls back and presses his forehead against mine. We stand embraced and his hand rubs my back. “I’m going to get going. You have to work tomorrow.”
“Okay,” I say and keep my eyes closed while he holds me. “Maybe you can come over again this week?” I ask awkwardly. I mean, I don’t know how all this works. Do I invite him over or does he keep showing up like he has the last month and a half?
He pulls me close again and chuckles. “How about we go out on Friday night?”
I look at him and my heart rate picks up. I’m not sure I’m ready to go out.
“Lee, we don’t have to go on a date. I just meant maybe we can go out with friends as friends.”
Liam’s hands drop and I let out a deep breath. “I don’t know if I can leave Aarabelle.”
“Think about it. We can all go and celebrate you going back to work. Mark and Jackson are here, you said. I’m sure everyone would love to go out.”
I nod and wring my hands. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay, I’ll call you soon,” Liam says as he grabs his stuff.
“Okay,” I mutter. This all of a sudden has become weird.
He walks to the door and pauses with his hand on the door. Slowly, Liam turns and his eyes glimmer with sincerity. “No matter what, I want you to know that your friendship means everything. I’ll always be here for you and we never have to mention tonight again if you don’t want to. We can pretend nothing ever happened. I want you to be happy, and if you needed to kiss me because you needed something, I won’t be upset.”
“Liam, I . . .”
His hand lifts to stop me and he gives a reassuring smile, “I’ll let you use me if you need that. I don’t know when things changed for either of us, but whatever you need—tell me. If you want to forget tonight, if you want to be friends, or if you want to see whatever this is—I’m here. I’ll let you lead for now.”
Before I can respond, Liam turns the doorknob and walks out. I walk to the door and place my hand on it and close my eyes.
Now I need to figure out how to lead a dance I don’t know the steps to.
I head up the stairs and look at the pictures that line the walls. My wedding photo, our first date, and my maternity shoot all stare at me as I take each step. My lips tingle from our kiss and my mind reels. I kissed another man, and not just any man, but someone who was there for most of these memories.
How could I do this? Can I do this? I pause at the top of the step where Aaron’s photo hangs in a dark frame. It has his shadow box with all his medals and ribbons under it. My hand touches the cool glass and a tear falls. Here I stand staring at the man I loved while my mouth still tastes of Liam.
I grab the photo of Aaron off the wall and lie in my bed with my husband in my arms and fall asleep wishing this guilt would stop.