I laugh to cover the pain that’s building. “I didn’t ask about you,” nudging him, I say playfully.
“Yeah, yeah. Everyone cares about her and couldn’t care less about me,” he winks. “How are you doing?” he asks, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me in. He’s carried immense guilt for all that’s happened and offered me a job any time I wanted to work. The flexibility and ability to make my own hours was more than appealing. As a journalist, I had to go when the story came. There would’ve been way too many nights I wouldn’t be able to put Aarabelle to sleep.
I let out a slow breath as he releases me. “I’m living. Liam’s been around taking care of things around the house. He’s helped a lot with the stupid, mundane stuff.”
“Dempsey’s a good guy. I spoke with him last week.”
“Oh,” I reply, a little surprised. I didn’t know they were friends like that.
Jackson chuckles at my response. “I have to check on you somehow since you won’t answer my calls.”
“I answer!” I exclaim defensively. “Well, sometimes . . .” I trail off.
“It’s okay. I know you’re busy and Demps says you lie anyway,” he gives me a knowing look. Jackson is good at reading people. They all are. Sometimes being friends with all SEALs isn’t all that great. Sure, I’m always safe and protected, but it’s impossible to hide anything. Aaron being gone for a while has made me a little lost as to how to act. I drew my strength from him, now I have to rely on my own. Which I think I’ve done a pretty good job at.
“I don’t lie . . . I’m just tired of saying the same thing over and over.”
“Yeah, I remember that feeling,” Jackson replies.
Oh, how could I forget? Jackson knows better than anyone else. He’s been exactly where I am when his wife died. I’m an idiot and insensitive. “Jackson,” I place my hand on his arm, “I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid.”
He gives a short laugh and guides me into his office. “Sit,” he says with authority, but still gentle.
It always amazes me how Jackson can be so hard because he has the biggest heart of anyone I know. He’d literally cut off his arm so someone else didn’t have to be in pain. Aaron always admired him and said it was an honor to serve with him. I think he’d be proud that I’ve come to work for Jackson, even if he died because of the job he was doing for him.
Jackson sits across from me, “I’m not one to talk about Maddie and all that happened. I’ve been better since Catherine, but it’s still something I work through. I know you say you’re fine, and that’s okay, but you don’t have to be fine with me. Or Liam,” he gives me a pointed look.
“I don’t know what everyone expects, you know?” I ask. “I mean, do people expect me to be doing cartwheels down the halls? In love already? Married? Or would they prefer me drunk so I don’t have to feel?”
He huffs, “No, they don’t expect that. They don’t know what to expect either. I refused to date after her death. I never wanted to have a fucking woman near me.”
I smile, because I know where he’s going.
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t even say it.” Jackson’s grin grows again.
“You’re cute in love,” I lean back and smirk.
He crosses his arms and mimics my stance, “I’m always cute, but that’s not the point.”
I roll my eyes at his arrogance. They all need therapy. “Between you and Mark, I don’t know how anyone can get any work done.”
“Why?” he asks, confused where I’m going.
“Well, I mean you’re both sooo good-looking. I’m sure everyone just stares all day,” I reply sarcastically.
Jackson’s laugh echoes in the room. “You’ll get used to it,” he winks.
“Cat deserves a medal for putting up with you. One day she’ll see the truth.”
“I’ll marry her before that happens. I just need to convince her that I’m worth being around forever.” Jackson is always honest. It’s the one thing we can count on.
“How are you guys doing?” I think Catherine is good for him. She keeps him on his toes and he complements her.
“Good, she’s doing her thing and I’m happy to be back in California. I’m close enough to San Diego, which worked out well. Anyway, enough about me . . . we were talking about you.”
“Let’s not.”
Jackson puts his hands up in surrender. “I’m just saying you have to do whatever you need to in order to survive, but after a while, surviving isn’t enough. Catherine showed me that. I could’ve been in a much better place if I hadn’t lived in limbo for two years.”
There’s not much I can say. I know he means well, and I know he genuinely understands how I’m feeling. Even I don’t understand what the hell I’m feeling or why, but still. “Thanks, Jackson.”
“Enough heavy shit. How’s my beautiful goddaughter?”