I kiss her cheek and head to bed. Once I’m stripped down to my shorts and tank, I lie on my back and stare at the ceiling.
Rolling over, I grab Aaron’s letter and read it again. His words give me hope for the future and yet at the same time break me further apart. All I wanted was a life with him. I read about how he felt when we met. If only he knew. “You didn’t have to work so hard to get me,” I say aloud, relying on my faith that he can hear me. “I loved you from the moment I met you. I was yours before you even spoke a word. God, you were so handsome,” I sigh and close my eyes.
“I remember the first time I saw you . . . you had that stupid hat on backwards and were wearing your football jersey. You nodded your head to me like I should fawn at your feet. Idiot,” I laugh softly. He was so cocky and full of himself. There was no way I was going to let him know how much I already wanted him. “Now I’m here without you.” Tears stream down my face. He’s gone and I’m in pain.
“Why, Aaron?” I roll and face where he would be if he were in our bed. My hand grazes his pillow and another tear falls. “You say to move on, but how? You didn’t tell me how to do that. I can’t love anyone else. I don’t know how. You were my first love, my only love, the first man in my heart and in my body. Hell, you are my heart and I don’t know how to let go of that. If I let someone else in, then I’ll lose you forever.” I continue to speak to myself, praying for an answer, because I don’t know how to give him up. “You have to show me, or give me a sign.” I clutch his pillow and sob relentlessly until I fall asleep, wishing I were in his arms. Safe and happy in the arms of my husband.
“Her food is labeled and I wrote down all the times she needs to eat,” I instruct the nanny I hired. She’s a friend of Reanell’s and came highly recommended.
“We’ll be just fine.” Paige bounces Aarabelle on her lap as she giggles.
“Okay, I’m sure I’ll call only around a hundred times.”
Paige smiles reassuringly. “I expect no less. First days are scary, but Aarabelle and I have a busy day of fun planned.”
I secretly love that she’s paying more attention to Aarabelle than me and my neurotic-ness. First day of working at Cole Security and I no longer think this is a good idea. Leaving Aarabelle and then stepping foot into the building where Aaron worked is daunting. I thought maybe I could feel closer to him, now I’m not so sure if this is the right move.
“I’ll have my phone on me and the number to the office is on the paper by the fridge.” I’m clearly stalling. I don’t know how to spend the entire day away from Aarabelle.
Paige brings Aara over to me. “It’ll be fine. If we need you, I’ll call. I promise.”
Nodding and drawing a deep breath, I kiss my daughter and turn to head to work.
I can do this.
Once I reach my car, I notice the note and flower on the windshield. I open the note and my lip turns up.
Hey Lee,
Sorry I’ve been MIA but I’m back at work and my schedule is jacked up. Have a good first day. Be sure to give the guys hell.
Liam
Sitting in the car, I try to wipe the smile off my face but I can’t help it. It’s the sweetest, most thoughtful thing anyone’s done for me in months.
Starting the car, the phone connects to the bluetooth and I decide to call him.
“Hey,” he answers on the first ring.
“Hi,” I say, still smiling. “I got your card and flower. Thank you.”
“I was jogging and wanted to let you know I didn’t forget about you. I’ve been busy getting checked in and caught up to speed.” Liam’s voice is thick and restrained. There’s a part of me that doesn’t fully believe him.
“Right. No, it’s fine. I’ve been busy too,” I lie.
Liam chuckles, “I got a call on Aaron’s quad if you’re still wanting to sell it.”
Another part of Aaron that I’ll lose. “Sure.”
“Lee?” Liam utters my name reluctantly.
“Yeah?”
He pauses and clears his throat. “How’s Aara?”
That wasn’t what I was expecting based on the tone of his voice. Not that I had any idea what he was going to say, but Aarabelle isn’t a touchy subject. “Good, she’s with the nanny and I’m freaking out,” I laugh. “I’m sure she’ll be fine but it’s the first time I’m leaving her.” I turn into the parking lot of Cole Security Forces and nerves begin to stir.
It’s Mark and Jackson, but still. I’m worried that being in there will make his loss even more prominent . . . not that it can be any more apparent. He’s dead. I’m alone and a single mother.
“You okay?” Liam asks, and I realize I’ve been silent.
With my eyes closed, I shake my head. Am I okay? I don’t remember the last time I felt okay. “I’m fine.”
You can almost feel the disapproval over the phone. He hates that word, but it’s my crutch. “I figured. How about I bring a pizza over tonight? We can go over some of the papers for the sale of his car and now the quad.”
“Sounds good.”