He stared at her, angry, and she sighed. “When I was in college, I went through this phase of rebellion. I went into college with the plan to follow the most respectable path. The one my dad had always taught me to follow. But secretly, I kept composing music that was different. That broke all the rules. But I was too afraid to do anything with it. I kept it locked away and didn’t tell anyone about it. But then I met Richard.”
Chris had never heard the guy’s name, but already he suspected he’d hate him. Minh leaned back and stared off into space, as though staring into the past. “Richard was a rule breaker in every way. But he was smooth about it. Not like you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
She started, then laughed, shaking her head. “I didn’t mean it like that. I meant it as a compliment to you.” Her face sobered. “He was the kind of guy who broke rules for the wrong reasons. He wanted people to think he was cool and edgy. In truth, he was a mediocre guitar player, but he had this charisma that fooled everyone.”
She shrugged. “Anyway, I started sharing my work with him, and he seemed genuinely excited by it. And then, one night, after a year of blowing up my own stupid self-importance, he offered to take me to a party where some big record label executive was, so I could meet the guy and show him my stuff. I felt like maybe my parents had been wrong, that being different was actually the only way to succeed, and I agreed to go. Kieu begged me to take her, and I thought, Mom and Dad were wrong about being respectable and conservative and all of that, so they’re probably wrong about not letting Kieu go to parties, even though she was already eighteen.” She sighed. “Only eighteen, now that I’m older and can see how stupid I was. And I took her.”
“Oh. Shit.” He could already see where this was going.
Minh nodded. “Yeah. At the party, the label exec turned out to be a sleaze who wanted to sleep with me, and someone gave Kieu a line of coke while I wasn’t looking, and…” She shrugged. “The rest is history.”
“You think it’s your fault that your sister got into drugs? Your fault because you decided, once in your life, to stray away from all the rules that stuffed you into some kind of bland mold, and so then you decided to never do that again?”
She blinked at him. “I-I hadn’t really thought about it before, but…no. No. I mean…maybe.” She shook her head. “You have it wrong. It was my fault, yes, but the rules I had been following weren’t part of a bland mold. They worked. They kept me safe and—”
“No. Rules are your version of penance.” He tried to keep his voice soft, but she still winced. He hated seeing that. He hated hurting her. But in this case, what she’d told him…she’d been suffering for too long.
“What?” She barely whispered it.
“You’ve been punishing yourself, not keeping yourself safe. That’s what your rules are about. You think it’s about protection, some kind of safety net, but in reality you got scared by what happened with Kieu. Have you ever considered that she found all those restrictions you grew up with to be too much, too? That she was rebelling just like you? Maybe bringing her to that party was a mistake, but you made it into something much bigger than it was, and you pulled away from something that could have been incredible. Your music—your real music—has suffered because you feel guilty and scared that you might succeed while your sister suffers.”
She let out a sound of distress. Her face was drawn and ashen, and she was no longer looking at him, instead staring over his shoulder, eyes unfocused.
Oh, shit. He hadn’t meant to get so carried away. He struggled for something to fix it, to try to make her feel better. “But you’ve already broken out of the rules. You’re with me. Right?”
She shook her head as though she was in a daze, and she managed to meet his gaze again. “Am I? Are we together?”
He’d thought it often enough over the past two weeks. But when she actually put the question to him…the thought of really letting her in, permanently, opening himself up to more than just sex and the space of this office…
He hesitated. For a long time.
So long that he could see the transformation take place in her expression. From dazed to…hopeful, maybe?…to resigned.
“Ah. Okay. I get it.”
Shit. She’d probably taken his silence as the answer, which apparently she’d interpreted as a no.
Fucking hell. He’d been holding back on questioning her on what she wanted out of their relationship. But apparently, he’d been holding back on himself too.
The truth was, he wasn’t sure what he wanted.
“Listen.” Her face looked a bit ashen, but her voice stayed strong. “I think-I think I’m going to go downstairs and work on this song. But give me another chance instead of assuming the worst about me and what kind of work I’m capable of.” Before he could protest, she continued. “I know we’re getting short on time, but just give me until tomorrow afternoon on this, okay?”
Despite everything else, she was looking right at him, her gaze level. Unflinching. And he realized that he respected her for that. He might not agree with her approach to life, but he appreciated that she wasn’t trying to pretend to be something she wasn’t.
He nodded. “Okay.”
“Thank you.” Her sigh of relief was almost painfully loud.