He shrugs, sliding his hands back into his pockets. “You look like you. Not like you’re trying to be someone else.”
It’s the most perfect thing he could have said to me right now and it gives me hope that I’m not crazy for feeling off whenever I look in the mirror. Since Nolan seems to have no problem being honest with me even if what he has to say brings him some embarrassment, I move on to one last question.
“How well do you know Ike Jenson?”
Nolan flinches at the mention of Ike’s name.
“He’s been here since I started, keeps to himself a lot. Why?” Nolan asks, one of his hands coming up to rub the back of his neck in a nervous gesture.
“My father mentioned something about how he hasn’t been to work in a few days and I wondered if that was typical for him.”
His eyes narrow and he cocks his head to the side while he thinks about what I’ve said. “You know, now that you mention it, he hasn’t been here since the day you got hurt. I’ve been so busy around here that I didn’t even think about it until you said something.”
I don’t believe in coincidences. Especially after remembering the conversation I overheard with Ike and my father that night. I start walking away from Nolan, my mind already moving in hyper-speed as I plan what to do next.
Nolan grabs onto my hips to stop me, turning my body back around to face him. For just one moment I wish I could be a normal teenager and appreciate the man holding onto me, flirt with him, and enjoy the moment. Unfortunately, I’m not a normal girl, and I’m pretty sure I never will be.
“If he comes back, stay away from him, Ravenna. That guy is bad news,” Nolan warns.
I laugh as I step away from him once more, missing the comfort of his hands on my body as soon as they fall away.
“Funny, that’s exactly what my father said about you.”
I walk away from him without another word and he lets me go this time. As I make my way back to the prison alone, I step through the doors feeling a little better than I did when I ran out of them earlier.
“My name is Ravenna Duskin. I’m eighteen years old, I live in a prison, and I’m finished being the girl my parents want me to be.”
Chapter 9
Stop fighting, stop splashing, just go under and let go.
The water churns angrily with each uncoordinated swipe of an arm, trying to reach for something to help, something to grab ahold of, but it’s no use. There’s nothing that will help, nothing that will save you.
Just go under. It will all be over soon if you just go under.
The cold water covers chin, mouth, nose, wide, frightened eyes and then…gone.
That’s it, disappear, go away, everyone will be happier if you just go away. Don’t listen to the screams and the shouts because they won’t get here in time. They won’t be able to take the pain away; they’ve NEVER been able to take the pain away. It will be so much better if you don’t exist.
Swallow the water, breathe it in, close your eyes and just slip away. It will only hurt for a moment, and then you’ll be free.
Don’t you want to be free from the pain? Free from the evil that lurks inside your head and follows you everywhere you go?
They don’t want to save me; they just want me to disappear.
I’ll show them what it’s like to lose it all; I’ll make them regret it.
Let yourself sink to the bottom? let them see what happens when they close their eyes and ignore the pain they caused.
Breathe it in, swallow the water, let your lungs fill until they burst, and show them.
Show them what happens when you try to hide secrets.
Show them that death is the only way to escape the pain of what they’ve done.
They brought this on themselves. Their hope, their future, their secrets…sinking to the bottom of the lake, dying right in front of their eyes…
Stop fighting.
Just let go.
It will all be over soon.
With a loud gasp, my eyes fly open, and I stumble backward, my head whipping around frantically as I stare at my surroundings. Digging the heels of my palms into my eyes, I rub the sleep from them before looking around once more. There’s nothing but darkness around me, aside from the bright full moon reflecting off the surface of the lake.
Why am I at the lake in the middle of the night?