“Yes.”
“Very happy.”
I can’t deny it. I don’t want to. “Yes.”
“Well, judging by the way you’re glowing, I’m assuming you and Ethan…?”
She doesn’t have to finish the sentence. Just like I don’t have to answer it. My expression must tell her everything.
I nod, and she writes in her book. I don’t miss her slight smile.
“You’re not angry?” I ask.
“Why would I be angry?”
“Because I thought, maybe you thought … that I wasn’t ready.”
“Do you feel ready?”
“Yes.”
“Then that’s all that matters. I can’t put a timeline on your happiness, Cassie. Only you can do that. As long as you feel good, we’re achieving something.”
“I do feel good, but also…”
“What?”
How can I tell her what I’m feeling, when my swirling emotions don’t fit into any one category? Happy/cautious. Ecstatic/terrified. Elated/anxious.
“He left yesterday.” Just saying the words makes my chest hurt.
Dr. Kate studies me for a few seconds before asking, “How are you coping?”
“I don’t like it. I miss him.”
“Missing him is good.”
I look out the window and watch the clouds change shape. “It feels strange to admit that. To acknowledge I need him. For so long, I thought needing him showed how weak I was.”
“And now?”
I spot a cloud that looks like a love heart and smile. “Now, I see that letting myself need him is the strongest thing I’ve ever done. The bravest.”
“They say fortune favors the brave.”
I think about arriving on his doorstep. Convincing him to make love to me. Finally letting him in again.
A shudder of pleasure runs up my spine. “I guess it does.”
I lean against the wall of my dressing room. I’ve been struggling with my focus exercise and just can’t seem to get into the zone. Last night was the same. I’m betting tomorrow night will be, too.
It’s not that I find it uncomfortable performing with Nathan, but getting into character without Ethan is much more difficult than I thought it would be.
I shake out my tension and roll my neck. I have ten minutes. I need to get my crap together.
I walk down the hall to Ethan’s dressing room and open the door. A waft of his scent hits me as I turn on the lights, and I inhale deeply.
Within seconds, I feel better.
I sit in his spot in front of the mirrors and touch all his stuff. Not that he has a lot. Pancake makeup, powder, hair goop. Eyeliner he never uses because his lashes are stupidly long and dark.
I open a drawer and find a book called Awakening the Sacred Body.
Oh, Ethan. Reading a little pornography, are we? Naughty man.
I flip through it, expecting to see diagrams of sexual positions. I’m sorely disappointed. There are very few pictures, and those I find show a middle-aged Chinese man demonstrating various meditation poses.
Party pooper.
As I flick through to the back of the book, a photo falls out. It’s of Ethan and me. We have our arms around each other and look genuinely happy. I remember the moment well. It was taken at the opening night party of Romeo and Juliet in our first year of drama school. Jack Avery took it just after he’d read our first glowing review. I’d felt like I could float off the ground that night.
I run my finger over Ethan’s face. His smile is so beautiful, it makes me sad to think I didn’t see it that much in the time we spent at college.
“He took that picture all over the world, you know.” I turn to see Elissa leaning against the doorframe. “Well, all over Europe, at least. Looked at it every night before he went onstage. I’m surprised you can still make out your face.”
“I have the same picture at home,” I say. “It’s the only picture of us I kept. All the others were torched in a drunken purging ceremony.”
“Valentine’s Day?” Elissa asks.
“Yep.”
“Had a few of those myself over the years.”
I put the picture in the book and replace it in the drawer. When I turn back to Elissa, she’s smiling.
“What?”
“I spoke to Ethan earlier.”
I’m immediately nervous. Did he tell her we slept together?
I try to play it cool. “Oh? How is he?”
“Even over the phone I can tell he’s on cloud nine. Am I right in assuming something happened between you guys?”
Her face is so hopeful, I can’t lie. “I guess.”
I can see her almost vibrating with happiness. “Well … okay. That’s … wow. Great.”
“Elissa, it’s still really early.”
“I know. But, it’s going to work out this time. I have no doubt.” She comes over and hugs me. “He’s been crazy in love with you for years. He’s not going to screw this up. I’m certain that right now, my brother is the happiest man on the planet.”
“Well, I guess we’re both due a little happiness, right?”
“Absolutely.” She hugs me again then pulls back. “Now, get your ass in gear. It’s five minutes ’til places.”
“Okay. Be right there.”