“Oh, yeah, sure. Laugh at what you do to me, then negate all efforts to show other guys you’re mine. That’s fair.”
I kiss him and reach under the covers to address his problem. He inhales as I wrap my fingers around him and pushes down the sheet so he can watch.
“We were broken up for over a year,” I say. “If I’d wanted other guys, don’t you think I would have had them?”
He pants in time with the rhythm of my hand.
“You dated Nick.”
“Barely. You had nothing to be jealous of.”
He presses his head into the pillow. “He kissed you at that party. I had everything to be jealous of.”
“Yeah, well, you made up for it later that night, didn’t you?”
“God, yes.” I don’t know if he’s answering my question or reacting to my increasing pace. Doesn’t matter. He closes his eyes, and the conversation’s over.
For long minutes I watch his face as I bring him pleasure. How he could possibly be jealous of any other man, I’ll never know. I get that he has issues about being adopted, as well as his track record with women, but how does he honestly not understand just how incredible he is?
When I was in high school, I remember a friend of mine confided that her boyfriend didn’t think she was pretty. I couldn’t understand that. When you love someone, they should appear beautiful to you, no matter what they look like.
As I watch Ethan’s face, I realize he might be insecure about other guys because he doesn’t love himself enough to see how truly spectacular he is.
As if to illustrate my point, he arches his back and lets out a long moan as he comes, and in that moment, he’s the most beautiful, sexy, magnificent man on the planet.
To me, anyway.
Dr. Kate pauses, no doubt picking up on my building tension.
“Did you ever talk to Ethan about his self-esteem issues?”
I rub my eyes. “No. Not really.” I should have, but I didn’t.
“But you reassured him on occasion?”
“Yes. Probably not enough.”
“For people with low self-esteem, it’s hard to ever give enough reassurance. How much would Ethan have to give you now to make you believe you were special?”
I’ve lost track of how much reassurance he’s given me since he’s been back. “I see your point.”
“So,” says Dr. Kate as she leans back in her chair. “When you got back together, Ethan was happy to be open about your relationship?”
“Yes.”
“How did you feel about that?”
Partly relieved, but mostly … “It made me nervous. I just wasn’t confident this time would be any different.”
“What about your friends? Were they supportive or did they try to steer you away?”
“I’m sure they all thought we were insane, but at the time, their judgment was a small price to pay.”
The closer we get to the drama block, the more tense I become.
Everyone saw what we went through when Ethan and I broke up the first time. When they notice we’re back together, I’m sure they’re going to think we’re the biggest idiots on the planet for trying again.
I wouldn’t entirely disagree with them.
Ethan squeezes my hand. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Fine. You?”
“Great. Never better.”
We’re both lying, and we know it.
As we approach the building, I see most of our class congregating near the benches, chatting, laughing, and smoking. Zoe’s the first to see us walking hand in hand. Her mouth drops open. She pats Phoebe, who turns to look. Within a few seconds, they’re all staring at us.
“Hey, guys,” I say as we stop in front of them. “Have a good summer?”
“I had an awesome summer,” Jack says with his trademark smirk. “I got back together with the ex-girlfriend I dumped more than a year ago because I’m a miserable fuck who never stopped pining for her. Oh, wait, that was you, Holt, wasn’t it?”
Everyone laughs, and the tension breaks, and for once I’m grateful for Avery’s big mouth. Even Ethan smiles.
The only person not smiling is Connor.
He turns away a second too late to hide his incredulity.
“Connor was a friend of yours?”
“Yes.”
She cocks her head to the side. “Why do I get the feeling there’s more to Connor than you’re telling me?”
I look down. Of all of my misguided attempts to forget about Ethan, I regret Connor the most.
“He was more. After Ethan, we were … lovers. For a time.”
Dr. Kate makes an understanding noise. “Revenge lovers?”
I nod. I still can’t think about how I treated him without being consumed by shame.
“You ended things, I take it?” Dr. Kate asks quietly.
“Yes. I know I hurt him, but it was for the best.”
“But in drama school, you never…?”
“No. We were just friends. I knew he always like me, but…”
“You weren’t interested?”
“No.”
“Was Connor resentful about that?”
I remember how supportive Connor had been after the breakup, and how that had changed after Ethan and I got back together. “I guess. He was never nasty about it though. Just … protective.”
“Ethan wouldn’t have appreciated that, I’m sure.”
“Not at all.”
A hand presses into the small of my back.