I opened the door, and her eyes lit up, brightening her face. It was so different from the first few times I'd seen her. There was a glimmer of something there now. Happiness? Hope? I wasn't sure.
"You were careful, coming here?" she asked, walking straight toward me and collapsing against my chest. I felt my pulse start to slow as I held her her, calming down from the fear she wouldn't show up. All week, she'd been walking at night while she talked to me on her throwaway cell phone, while she stole moments away from the reach of Aston. She thought I was at home, and I didn't disabuse her of that notion. But I wasn't. I was following her, keeping my distance, making sure she wasn't being tracked by Aston's men. Once, I saw them, tailing her for a few minutes, but they turned back as she walked in her workout clothes, assuming that's all she was doing. Aston seemed fairly unconcerned about Meia's whereabouts, I supposed since he had the ultimate form of coercion in her son.
He hadn't called for Meia since we'd met. Since before we'd met. I assumed the last time had been the time he left the bruise under her eye, the one that was nearly completely faded now, entirely covered by the makeup she wore.
I knew he would call for her again, and the thought of it made my blood boil. I knew she had no choice in the matter. I knew she hated him. But the thought of his hands on her, touching her like he owned her...I couldn't fucking tolerate the thought of it.
"I was careful," I said. "Aston hasn't asked for you?"
She shook her head. "Hammer," she said. "You know he will. And there's nothing I can do to change that fact."
"The thought of him touching you..." I was too angry to speak, my voice trailing off into nothing.
"Hey. You're hurting me." Meia wriggled under my grasp, and I became aware of how tightly I was holding onto her shoulders.
"Shit, Meia." I immediately let go of her, and she stepped back. "Fuck, I wasn't paying attention. I'm sorry."
"I don't know, Hammer," she said, glancing at the door. "I don't think this is such a good idea, you and I."
"Fuck. Meia, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. It's not who I am."
She smiled, but the expression was grim. "You forget, I've seen you lose control before. I've seen you beat a man into the ground."
"It was a fight. In the ring," I protested, a gnawing feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
"Yes, but you weren't in control then," she said. "Do you think you're in control now?"
"I'm in control, Meia," I said. But did I really believe that, or was that just another lie I was telling myself, deluding myself with the thought that I could stay in control when it came to her? How could I think I was in control when I was following Meia to make sure she was safe, spending every waking moment sifting through Aston's internet footprint, my living room covered in the clues to Ben's whereabouts?
I hadn’t told her any of that. She didn’t know. So some part of me knew it was too much, suspected she would think I was crazy. A reasonable person would think that.
I just couldn’t stop.
So what the hell made me think that I was no longer preoccupied by my dark impulses? Maybe I was just an unpredictable shithead, someone who might hurt her.
I shook my head, as if I could shake away the thoughts. “I am in control.” I repeated the words slowly, not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.
“Hammer,” she said. “If you are not in control, if you can’t handle the fact that Aston owns me, you could cost me everything.”
“I know that, Meia,” I said. “Don’t you think I know that? I just…don’t want to think about him laying a hand on you.”
Her eyes flashed anger, and she stepped closer to me now, this tiny bundle of fire. “He doesn’t own me, not really, not where it matters. And you shouldn’t talk like you own me, either, Hammer.” She pointed her finger at my chest, and I grabbed her wrist, pulled her against my growing hardness.
“I’m more worried that you’re going to be the one who owns me,” I said.
He hovered for a moment, his lips close to mine, and I felt my breath catch in my throat as something stirred in my core. I had just gotten done telling this man he didn’t own me, but the only thing I could think about was what it would be like to be possessed by someone...not the way Aston possessed me, but the way I imagined it could be.
I’d had a hint of that the last time Hammer and I were together.
Hammer made a sound under his breath, gravely and guttural, and pressed his lips to mine, sending arousal coursing through my body. His touch was like electricity, like no one had ever touched me before.
All of the hell I’d been through, the men I’d been forced to be with...I’d never come to associate sex with anything other than pain and humiliation. But with Hammer, it was anything but that. Not that it was rainbows and sunshine. I didn’t know how to not disconnect during sex, to stay within my body, to not enter some other headspace. But the last time, at least, my body had seemed to sense that it was not a predator touching me.