He stroked my hair as I lay with my head pressed against his chest, listening to his heart beat. We'd been lying that way now for hours, I think, talking. He'd told me more things about his life before, about his daughter, and I'd told him about Ben. I'd told him about my life before. The life I had back in Burma, with my family. Before I was taken.
"I meant what I said, you know," Hammer said. His fingers trailed lazily down the length of my back. "I wasn't just saying shit to get laid."
"What you said about what?" My head was foggy, my brain lazy from the orgasm. It wasn't something I was used to feeling. In fact, I couldn't remember ever feeling like this, ever having allowed myself to feel this kind of relaxation.
I felt at ease with him. I knew I barely knew him. I knew it was crazy.
But there was something about him that was...trustworthy. Good. I knew it, in the core of who I was. I recognized evil. I was more familiar with it than anything else. The men I knew, the ones who entered my life after I was ripped from my family, they were evil. Hammer was nothing like them. His core was good, not rotten like theirs.
When he told me what he'd done to the men who murdered his wife, I saw a kindred spirit. He could understand what I intended to do, what I would do in a heartbeat once I had Ben back with me. He wouldn't tell me I should let justice prevail, to trust in the same law that overlooked me, that failed to give me any status as a person. He could understand my need for vengeance.
"Hey, you there?" Hammer asked, bringing my focus back to the present. To him.
"Huh? Oh, yeah. What did you say?"
"I meant what I said about Ben," Hammer said. "I want to help."
"How can you help?" I was wary, even when the offer came from him. People didn't help. Not without expecting something in return.
"I'm a hacker," he said.
I stared at him blankly. Aston was smart enough to know better than to leave evidence that someone could find.
Hammer must have read my expression as doubt. "I'm good," he said. "I was wondering why I couldn't find anything on you before Aston, though. It's because you didn't exist." He paused, looking at the pained expression on my face. "Shit, I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I meant that you didn't exist in terms of information I could find."
"You tried to find out about me?"
His face paled. "Christ, I sound like a fucking creep. I wasn't stalking you. I mean, fuck, I kind of was, I guess, but not in a fucking serial killer way."
I smiled, but now there was a twinge of fear gnawing at my stomach as I sat up, still naked, and looked at him. He seemed different than the others, but what if he wasn't, really? He had been following me, searching for information on me-before he knew anything about me. What if he was just as obsessive as Aston had been? Aston's obsession had driven him to keep me, bound to him even years after I'd been apart from him.
What if Hammer was the same kind of person?
"Goddamn it, Meia," he said. "I'm not a psycho. But I can start digging, see what I can turn up on Aston, where he might have Ben."
I nodded, unsure what to think. Use him, Meia, the little voice in my head said. Even if he's some psycho, you can use him to get to your son. It's all about Ben. But Hammer wasn't like that, was he? He wasn't like Aston. I had to believe he was good. There had to be some good in the world.
"Even if you find where he's keeping Ben, how the hell am I supposed to get to him?" I could feel tears beginning to well up in my eyes. I'd been through the scenario a million times already. It was the only thing I thought about, from the moment I woke until I went to sleep at night. The desire to get Ben back consumed me.
Hammer looked at me thoughtfully. "The biker club I used to be - I am a part of -" he said. "They might be willing to get involved."
"Aston is extremely powerful and well-connected," Meia said. "I mean no offense to your club, but there is no way a group of bikers is going to take down Aston."
Hammer smirked. "Don't underestimate our connections," he said. "We're not the white-trash meth dealers people think of when they think of bikers."
I felt my heart leap, and I wondered if it was possible for him to help. I'd gotten my hopes up before, just to have them dashed. I'd learned that hope was dangerous. It made me do stupid things, like stay on the old man's estate instead of taking Ben and running when I had the chance, years ago. Hope cost me everything.
I couldn't pin my hopes on a biker. Hammer was so wrapped up in his own demons he could barely put one foot in front of the other. How could I expect him to be able to see clearly enough to help me? I had no right to expect anything of him. He had no obligation to me.