As I sat there, a sinking feeling developing in the pit of my stomach, I felt reality begin to intrude on the little cocoon we had here, cutting through the haze and afterglow of sex. I felt my breath catch in my chest, and the air felt warm, too warm. Stifling. "How long have we been here?"
"A few hours," Hammer said, glancing at the clock. "Oh. More than a few. It's already six."
"Shit," I said. "I need to go."
"What did I say?" Hammer asked. He sat up on the bed, and I felt his eyes follow me as I rose and began to put my clothes back on. "Meia, talk to me."
"I can't stay here," I said. "I have to get back, to the apartment. I can't be gone this long. If Aston calls for me - if he sends for me and I'm not there. He will kill Ben."
"You have your cell phone, right?" Hammer asked, his voice intense. I couldn't tell if he was angry, didn't look at him as I slid my dress over my head. "Has he ever just shown up at your place before?"
"No," I admitted. "But I can't risk it. If I'm being watched, I have no reason to be out at night like this, dressed like this. It's not part of my routine."
"Can I see you again?" he asked.
No, I thought. Say no. Stay away from him, bide your time with Aston. Then, the other part of me, the cynical questioning part, chimed in. Until what? Until Aston tires of you and kills you and Ben both?
"Meia." Hammer came up behind me, slid his hands down the length of my arms, pulled me tight against his body. His breath wafted over my ear, raising goose bumps on my arms and making the hairs on my neck stand up. "Don't shut me out."
"I'm not," I said. I couldn't think, not with him standing there, with his hands on me. "All of this - it happened so quickly. It's not safe. Staying with Aston, doing what I have to do to get Ben back-That's safe."
Hammer turned me around to face him, put his fingers under my chin, and tilted my face up toward him. "Look at me," he said, his voice dark. "Being with Aston is never going to be safe. He's breaking you, piece by piece. He will kill you, do you understand?"
"If he finds out I've been with you-" I said. "If he finds out what you're doing, it'll be the end."
"He won't find out," Hammer said. "We'll be careful. I promise you. On my life, Meia. We will figure this out. We will get you and Ben away from him. I won't let anything happen to you. I can't."
His voice broke as he said it, and I saw the pain behind his eyes. Of course.
I smiled sadly. "Saving me won't undo the past, Hammer," I said. "It won't change what happened to April."
His brow furrowed, and a look of hurt passed over his face. "I wasn't -" He stepped back from me. "What happened here wasn't about that. It was about you and me."
I brought my fingers to my lips, then touched them gently to his cheek. "I know it wasn't just about us, Hammer," I said. "That's just reality, for both of us. The room is filled with ghosts."
“I love you, MacKenzie,” I said. I had to make sure she knew it. It was the first thing I did after I left that hotel room, before I could do what I knew I needed to do next.
“I know, dad,” she said. “Hey, when I come back, do you think we can talk about getting a horse?”
“Do you want to come back?” I asked, my heart racing. I thought she was loving being in Puerto Rico. My biggest fear was that she wouldn’t want to come home.
“Yeah,” she said. “I mean, when school starts again, you know?”
“Okay,” I said, barely able to contain the feeling of joy at her desire to come home. “I promise we’ll think about getting a horse.”
“Do you mean it?” She squealed with delight, a sound I hadn’t heard in a long time.
“Are you going to take care of a horse?”
“Dad, I promise,” she said, her voice suddenly solemn. “You aren’t going to go back on your word, right?”
“I won’t go back on my word,” I said. On the horse issue or any of my promises. Like finding out where Ben was. Even as the thought went through my head, I felt a wave of nausea at the idea of someone taking my child from me. Or harming her the way Meia was hurt. “And Mac-”
“What’s up, dad?”
“I’m really, really happy you want to come home.”
“Well, like, I couldn’t stay here forever, dad.” She said it as if it was the most self-evident thing in the world.
“I thought you wanted to stay with grandma permanently,” I said.
“I mean, Puerto Rico is really fun and everything,” she said. “But you’re my dad.”
“Are you just saying that to get a horse?” I asked, my voice teasing. Shit, I didn’t care even if she was. It was enough to hear that she wanted to come home.
“Dad.” She sighed loudly. She was quiet for a minute, and I almost thought she’d hung up. Then she finally spoke. “I want to go see mom’s grave.”
"What made you bring up seeing mom's grave?"
"The counselor, the one I'm talking to," she said. "We were talking about it."
“Okay,” I said. “We can do that.” And I meant it. For the first time, I felt ready to confront the past.
A WEEK LATER