"How the hell did I end up like this, Graham? I wanted a nice, normal, well-adjusted guy and instead I end up with a former soldier. There's nothing I can do to fix things. There's nothing I can do to make it stop. I'm just stuck on a treadmill to nowhere with the men in my life."
"He went to war, honey." He squeezes my hand. I can't believe Graham is defending him but there you go. "He's allowed to be a little messed up."
"I love him," I whisper. "I want to keep loving him." I cover my mouth with my hand. "But what if that’s not enough?"
He hugs me close. He can't protect me from this and he can't make my decisions for me. "I don’t know."
I should be happy that Josh and I are talking. And I am. I really am.
But I am terrified that I know how this story ends.
Josh steps into the waiting room. He looks ragged and tired. There are dark bruises beneath his eyes. Shadows there, looking back at me. Graham squeezes my shoulder. “Go. I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”
I am rooted to the floor as Graham steps out of the waiting room.
It's far too easy to cross the small space to where Josh is standing. To slide my arms around his waist. To feel his arms tighten around my shoulders, and breathe in the warm smell of his skin.
"Come home with me?" A simple, loaded question. One that I may regret. One that I can't resist.
"I'm afraid." His voice is a quiet rumble beneath my cheek.
"I know."
I tip my chin up and draw his mouth down to mine. I don't care that we are in a public place. I need to feel his mouth on mine, to remember what it's like to feel his touch, his taste. I need to feel alive and Josh is the only one who can do that for me.
His tongue slides against mine as his fingers curl around my neck. My belly tightens. I press against him, needing, wanting. He lowers his forehead to mine. "I'm sorry. So goddamned sorry."
I breathe deeply, trying to keep my heart from breaking in my chest. "Me too."
We stand there a moment, until a nurse asks us to move. He twists his fingers in mine and we step out of the light and into the darkness.
But we are together.
And that makes all the difference in the world.
Chapter 27
Josh
I shouldn't have come home with her. I should walk away and leave her and never look back.
I stand there in the entrance to her apartment. I will only hurt her. It's what I do.
But I cannot walk away. Not tonight.
Because I am afraid to be alone.
I can't breathe. I can't see.
"Josh."
I stop. It hurts. Christ this hurts.
She wraps her arms around my waist and simply holds me. She is strong and solid and real, more real than the pain squeezing my heart and threatening to cut off air to my lungs.
I want to turn and wrap my arms around her but I am frozen. She is all I can feel, the center of my world. Her hands rest over my heart and for a moment, I am whole again.
When I can move, I rest my cheek against her hair, reveling in the soft, cool curls against my skin. She smells warm and sweet and like the brief moment of sunlight in the darkness of my world. I need this. I need her and I cannot muster the words I need to tell her that. To beg her not to turn away from me.
Not to leave me alone.
Not tonight. Not when the demons are circling, reminding me of everything that I've done and failed to do in this life.
If there is a hell, I'm living in it.
Because now I can remember what it felt like to get hard. To feel aroused by the beautiful woman in front of me.
And now there is nothing again. No signs of life between my legs.
She reaches for me, penetrating the loneliness that blankets my skin like a shield. Her fingers slide beneath my shirt. They're warm, stroking over my skin.
Promising something that can never be.
I grab her wrists. Gently, so gently. "There's nothing there, Abby."
She twists her wrists free, her fingers tracing over my abdomen. I shiver beneath her touch. She arches into me, rubbing her hips against mine in a forgotten rhythm. "I want to feel you," she whispers against my lips. "Skin to skin." She brushes her lips over my mouth, nipping my bottom lip. "Lie with me?"
Fear is a powerful thing. But the idea of curling around her, pulling her body flush against mine, the softness of her skin against mine…it's a powerful temptation.
And it's harmless.
I cup her face in my hands and kiss her then, pouring everything I cannot say into that kiss. Slowly, she pulls me toward her bedroom. It is her space and I am filling it, taking it over.
She is consuming me. Her fingers slide my t-shirt over my head. I stand there, exposed and vulnerable. I can't remember the last time I removed all of my clothing in front of a woman. My gut clenches tight as her fingers flip open the button of my jeans. She nibbles on my bottom lip as she drags her nails across my hips, pushing my pants down with the back of her hands.
I close my eyes as the air kisses my cock. She presses her lips to my hip bone. I fight the urge to thread my fingers through her soft, curly hair. God, but the idea of her on her knees in front of me drives me a little bit insane.