I keep kicking, though, because I’m breaking down.
“You can’t do this. If they suspect anything, they’ll kill you. And with the way you’ve been acting the last few days, it’s not hard to put two and two together. So you better snap out of it or I’ll lose my best friend. There are more important things going on in this hell hole besides your heart breaking,” he says. “Feelings you’re forbidden to even have. And honestly, what do you think could ever come from it? Nothing… You need to grow up, girl, and think about what you’re doing.”
He’s right. The violence in the Hole has escalated, sending more people to the hospital than ever. Even children arrive with injuries, but I’ve reached my mental threshold. I go about my duties oblivious to the news that citizens bring in. My mind plummets in a downward spiral interrupted by one sane voice.
“Put her down, Bruno.” He sets me down. Sutton stands behind me, and I turn around one inch at a time. “Come with me. There’s a matter we need to discuss,” he says. I hesitate. “Now, young lady.” He walks out the door and waits for me in the hallway.
This is never good. I already know what’s coming. I’m going to get in trouble for my behavior and slacking at work. I’ve let him down in so many ways.
“Close the door and take a seat,” he says with a stern voice.
I slouch in my seat. I lack the strength to sit up. I can’t handle Sutton being mad at me, not right now. But that doesn’t stop the anger from flashing through his green eyes. He pushes his papers aside as he sits on his desk.
I can’t keep eye contact while he talks. My head spins.
“You’re playing with fire and it needs to end right here, right now. You’re lifeless and the reason is way too obvious. I won’t tolerate it.”
My eyes flip to his face and my mouth opens to reply, but he shushes me.
“Do you think I’m blind? Do you think I’m stupid?”
“No, not at all.” My arms are limp in my lap, and I don’t have the heart to make up an excuse.
“The feelings you have for him must die, or both of you, without a doubt, will be executed.” I seal my lips, waiting for him to continue. “If you don’t get your head together and fast, I’ll make Bruno your permanent assignment, which will only escalate their suspicions.”
“How could they—?”
“They take this kinda thing very seriously. In their eyes, loving a sinner is by far the worst offense.”
My eyes well up, but I blink back the tears in defiance. They aren’t tears of sadness but of anger—anger over life, over Cole leaving and my brother disappearing all those years ago, and being in this damn place. My mind is imploding.
“You think your situation is the center of the world. But it’s not. I am demanding your affair to end, got it?” His question is more like a statement.
I nod my head once, swallowing hard. “Is that all?”
“And take this extra pair of scrubs. You smell worse than the hospital.” He tosses a folded pair of scrubs into my arms and pushes me out the door.
Heading down the hall and into the bathroom to change, I think about what I wrote to Cole. But regardless of what he thinks about me after he reads it, I just wrote it all for nothing.
Cole,
I’m telling you the truth even if it breaks me. You can judge me, forgive me, or maybe someday even love me. But if you decide to hate me, at least I know I gave you all I had. We all have a dark side—I hope you can see past mine.
There’s a story you need to hear… It’s about a girl I once knew.
She believed the only way out of the hell she lived in was to hang herself from a chandelier. Have you ever read about her? No, you haven’t because her story was never published, at least not this one.
Her stepfather had three personalities and she hated all three, but the first two she could manage. The third one petrified her.
He started pushing her down the stairs, punching her face, her gut, her back, and her head. He’d swing his arms, lashing, and crush whatever part of her was in his way. One day he shaved her head simply because she colored her hair without asking his permission. If his abuse caused her to rip open, he’d stitch her shut, and she cried as she felt the needle being threaded through her shin. She told me the physical pain was nothing because eventually it subsided and she healed.