Blessed Tragedy

chapter Five



The crash I felt after the show was nearly immediate and harder than the one I experienced most nights. I didn't have the energy to fight my way through crowds of groupies hoping to score with my buddies. I wasn't in the mood to hear everyone tell me how sorry they were for my loss. That's the problem with allowing the news of her death to go public; everyone would feel like they had to say something. The truth was there was nothing I really needed or wanted to hear.

Colton walked me to my dressing room, pushing away anyone who came near me. “I'm proud of you,” he whispered as we made our way through the hall. “You kept up the act as long as you needed to, now you do what you have to do. Just wash your face first; I don't want a repeat of clown face.”

I backhanded him in the chest. “Funny. I'll be fine. Can you make sure Dad and my brothers make it back here without being accosted?”

“Already on it.” He opened the door to my dressing room and I saw a box of gourmet chocolates, another bottle of Jameson and five glasses sitting on the vanity. “The chocolates are for you. The rest you can share.”

“Why did you do all of this?”

I flopped onto the loveseat, the last of my energy spent. Colton pulled my legs onto his lap so he could take off my boots. When he started rubbing my throbbing, swollen feet, I threw my head back, certain I could fall asleep.

“I knew it was gonna be a rough one for you and I wanted to make it a little easier. Personally, I think you should have taken the night off but I understood what Mark was saying. Did you want to get a nap in before we leave?”

Before we leave? What in the hell did Mark tell him? My eyes shot open. “No, I can sleep in the van on the way back to my dad's. You do realize I still have to go back there, right?”

Colton laughed. “You really don't talk to your family, do you?” I tried to tamp down the flutter I felt in my stomach at the sight of his bright smile. As cliché as it sounds, when Colton smiled, his entire face really did light up right up to his eyes.

“We're working on it. What's going on?”

“It's road trip time, baby girl.” Colton pulled me onto his lap. “You can't freak out, okay?” If I'd had more energy, more sleep and less of an emotional rollercoaster, I might have had the energy to flip out on him. Instead, I leaned into him to hear what he had to say. “Your dad invited us to come home with you. He knows that we're just as much your family now as they are and he asked us to come for you.”

“But--”

“Nope, no buts. Our next show isn't for three days. You and I are going to ride the bike. Jon and Trav will ride with your brothers. Then, we'll rent a car to head down to Wichita. It'll be fine. Hell, it might even be fun.”

If a person's brain could explode from too much information to process in a short time, that would have been the moment of my demise. My dad had invited my tattooed and pierced band mates to come home with us and attend my mother's funeral. This was going to be memorable if nothing else.

“Okay, but what are you going to wear? You can't exactly show up in jeans and t-shirts. Are Jon and Trav really on board with all of this?”

Colton nodded. “Yep, they're all-in. Said it'd be good to get away from the bus and sleep in a bed for a couple of nights. And we let Mark loose in the mall with a list of sizes. They ran out after bringing you dinner. It'll be fine.”

Knowing I'd have my rock with me as I went through the next few days, the tension in my shoulders eased a bit. I still wasn't sure how everything was going to work out but somehow I knew it would.



My brothers barged through the door without knocking and I sprang from the loveseat like a teen caught necking. “Don't you a*sholes know it's dangerous to walk into a rock star's dressing room after the show? What if I was back here screwing a groupie?” Okay, so I'd never once slept with anyone in the dressing room but they didn't need to know that.

“Yeah, sure.” Mark gave me a loose hug, not wanting to get too close to my sweaty body. “I've seen you after shows before, remember? You're normally busy making sure Jon doesn't take home something nasty. Wasn't a chance you'd be in a compromising position back here.” All of my brothers laughed as my dad pushed them to the side and scooped me into his arms.

“I'm so proud of you, Maddie.” His eyes were filled with tears again. “You were amazing up there.”

“Thanks, Daddy.” I knew I was going to be a hot mess but there was no way to stop the tears from pouring down my face. There's no child out there who doesn't live for the moment their parent says they're proud. I had convinced myself I'd never hear those words.

“Can you guys give me a few minutes to change and clean up?” If I didn't get my makeup off, I was going to leave my mark on all of them thanks to sweat and tears. “Hey Colton, can you run to the bus to get--”

“I'm on it. You get cleaned up and I'll be back.” My dad paid close attention to our conversation and how much we didn't have to say to one another. I figured I was going to be answering questions about the exchange at some point. The truth was Colton and I had been close enough long enough that we were able to anticipated each other's needs.



My dad was sitting on the loveseat when I stepped into the dressing room after a quick shower. “Hey, Dad. Thanks for coming along. It meant a lot to me.” I wondered if the time would come when things weren't so strained between us.

“I'm glad I did. That was pretty amazing, the way the black-haired guy toasted your mom. She would have been proud of you. She was proud, but if she'd seen you out there, there would have been no stopping her from telling everyone about you.”

“Thanks, Dad.” I felt pressure building behind my eyes as tears welled, begging for release. “I'm sorry for not coming home sooner. I really thought she hated everything about me after I left.”

It was hard to admit my feelings, even harder because they were so wrong. Why didn't she say anything to me before it was too late?

“Well, we didn't exactly make it easy on you either. I'm sorry for everything we said. I'm sorry we told you to get a real job. We were worried about you, but I can see now that you're just where you need to be.” My dad patted the cushion next to him and I sat, leaning into his shoulder. “I do have a favor to ask but I don't want an answer until we get home.”

I couldn't make eye contact with him. No matter how much time had passed, I knew that if he didn't want an answer right now, it was a question he really wanted me to think about before answering. It had been his modus operandi when we were kids. Most of the time, it was attached to a question letting us know we were in trouble and he was giving us the chance to come clean.

“Will you sing at the funeral? If it's going to be too emotional, I don't want you to feel bad if you say no. I haven't talked to your brothers about it so they'll never even know that I asked you unless you say yes. I didn't even know I was going to ask you until I saw you and Colton out there tonight but I think your mother would have loved for you to do what you love as a tribute to her.”

Part of me wanted to jump up and tell him that I'd be honored to sing. The bigger part of me was terrified by the thought. Even if my dad and brothers had come around and were willing to accept me for who I was, that didn't mean anyone else would. And what if I couldn't do it? My fears had nothing to do with my vocal abilities and everything to do with the emotional wreckage I already found myself wading through. I could barely get through the concert in front of strangers. Would I be able to do it?

“Just think about it.” Dad stood from the loveseat and patted my shoulder. “Now, I'd better go find your brothers and those two that are coming with us. Are you going to be okay going with Colton?”

I blinked hard, trying to get over hearing my dad talking about my band mates like it was normal. He'd never had anything nice to say about them when we talked on the phone. He didn't go out of his way to be nasty, but until tonight I was under the impression that everything about my lifestyle and job was unacceptable in his mind.

“Yes, Dad. We ride all the time.” It was hard to not let on how nice it was to have my dad openly worried about me. “We'll have to throw some stuff in the van. I'll walk with you.”

When my dad pulled me to his side I didn't resist. There'd be time in the future to figure out where my relationship with my family was going. This was the time to savor whatever we had and be there for one another.



“Jon, Trav, get out here,” I yelled from outside the bus. I wanted to talk to them without my brothers overhearing us to find out how they really felt about spending their time off with me. I know they'd already said they wanted to be there for me, but this was taking things to a whole new level.

“'Sup, Rain?” Travis bounded down the stairs with a can of Pepsi in his hand. I was impressed; he was normally the first one to crack a beer open as soon as we were back on the bus.

Even though I hadn't asked him to, Colton appeared in the darkness as well. He walked behind me and wrapped his arms around me for the second time tonight. While we were no strangers to a certain level of intimacy, this felt different.

With my defenses already shattered I welcomed the gesture even though I had serious reservations. I'd spent years telling myself I'd never get involved with a band mate. I'd spent many months defending the platonic state of our personal relationship. And now, I was the one having thoughts about Colton that didn't fall into the friends category.

“You guys are cool with this?” I looked from one to the other trying to see a glimmer of doubt or hesitation in their expressions. Jon and Travis both nodded. “And you realize you're riding back to Lex with my dad and brothers?” I cringed at the thought. The only common bond between everyone in the van was going to be me, meaning I was likely going to be the topic of conversation. They nodded again. “And you realize that if you do or say anything that comes back to haunt me, I'll kill you while you sleep?”

“Oh, come on, you really think we'd say anything embarrassing?” Travis batted his thick eyelashes at me trying to pretend he was sweet and innocent.

“Yes,” I laughed, “I know damn well you'll say something that's gonna kick my ass. Remember, they're just starting to accept who I am and what I do. I don't need you a*sholes ruining that for me.”

Jon wrapped his arm around me as Colton stepped back. I felt a bit like a pinball being passed from one person to the next. “You think that little of us? Honestly, this might be a good thing for you.” I had to tilt my head back to look into Jon's amber eyes.

“I know, it's just...”

Travis pulled me away from Jon and buried my head in his chest. “Don't worry. We'll be good. And if Jon goes to say anything, I'll whip him out at highway speeds.”

The way Jon's gaze was fixed on the ground as he kicked the dirt told me something was bothering him. I swallowed hard, wondering if he was going along with this because it's what the rest of the band signed on for. It wouldn't be the first time but it would be the first time it pissed me off. This wasn't a song on an album or an appearance; this was spending time with my family. It really was more than I ever could have asked of any of them.

“Jon?” I walked over to him, ducking my head so my eyes met his. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah, it's just...they're so different from what you said. You sure you're okay with this?” And there was the doubt I'd been waiting for. The hint that I'd exaggerated my family's feelings to keep the guys away from them. It pissed me off but not enough to get into it with him.

“Yes, I'm sure. Now can we please get them out of here? It's been a hell of a day and I need to sleep.”



I started to regret riding home with Colton about an hour into the ride as I felt myself nodding off. Falling asleep on a motorcycle at eighty miles per hour was a good way to get yourself killed and I knew it. I squeezed my arms around his middle to get his attention and signaled that we needed to find an exit.

“Everything okay?” Typically Colton would have been the first to say it was time for a break. I loved riding and could do it for hours on a normal day.

“Yeah, but I need some coffee. I'm going to call Mark and let him know what's going on so they don't worry.” I ran my fingers through my hair to comb the wind-blown ends as Colton watched me intently. The look in his eyes would have been creepy coming from anyone but him. “You want anything?”

“Nah, I'm good,” he yawned. I turned back as I walked to the store and saw him stretching. The flutters came back to my stomach as his leather jacket and t-shirt lifted to show a glimpse of his stomach.

Colton laughed as I did jumping jacks in the parking lot once my twenty ounce coffee was gone. I was willing to do anything to make sure I was alert for the rest of the ride.

I threw my leg over the seat, climbing on behind Colton. As I leaned into his back, the scent of leather and Colton flooded my senses, instantly calming me. I'd been a foolish woman to think I had to do this alone.



By the time we got to the house, Matt and Mike had shown Jon and Travis the rec room in the basement. The four of them were shooting pool while Mark stood behind the bar pretending he wasn't watching Travis's ass as he bent over the table. It was a fine looking backside but that didn't mean I needed to watch my brother ogling. He wouldn't understand but it was like one brother checking out another brother; incestuous and wrong on every level, even if they weren't related by blood.

I grabbed a bottle of Blue Moon from my brother and curled onto the leather sectional across the room from the pool table, certain I wasn't going to be good company for anyone. Other than my quick nap in the van, I'd been up for almost twenty hours and I was both physically and emotionally exhausted.

Any concerns I had about my worlds colliding were silenced by the sounds of Mike and Jon debating what bands could be considered classics while Matt and Travis wagered on the next game. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't nice to see my worlds meshing this way. I'd never truly found peace with being estranged from my family and I could never turn my back on the band. I just wish it hadn't taken something like this to bring everyone together.

“So Mark, did you get my guys monkey suits?” The thought of my band mates wearing suits made me giggle more than it should have. To them, dressing up meant finding a shirt that didn't have a band logo on it. It'd be interesting to see how everyone cleaned up.

“Nah, I figured Jon might kick my ass if I went that far. But don't worry; they'll do ya proud by the time I'm done with them.” He winked at me and I knew he was sincere. Mark understood how difficult it was for me to put them in a place where they might be judged by our closed-minded family.

“I think Mark's right,” Matt chimed in, taking a long draw off his beer. “With a little fairy dust, there's hope for you four yet.” I wasn't sure who should be more offended; my brother who'd essentially just been outed or myself and my band mates for the thought that we didn't have 'hope' without help from my brother.

“You're an ass, you know that Matt?” While I was genuinely upset, every male in the basement laughed at the lack of conviction in my voice.

“Whatever you say, Moo.”

Oh hell no! I'm going to be forced to kill my brother the night before my mom's wake.

“Moo?” Jon and Travis asked in unison. Colton sat down next to me, holding me in place on the couch.

“I told you your brothers have loose lips when they drink,” Colton said. He pulled my upper body down so I was lying across his lap. I wanted to get up and kick Matt's ass but Colton's lap was just too comfortable for me to leave.

“I told you not to call me that in front of anyone, Matthew Edmund.” I glared at the men standing around the pool table giggling like little girls by this point. “And you two, forget you ever f*cking heard that. I swear I'll throw you under the bus, literally, if this follows me to Wichita.”

While they said I could count on them to never bring it up again, the glint in their eyes told me my life was going to be a living hell.

“Okay,” Travis agreed, “but if it's not going with, that means it's fair game while we're here. Where in the hell did 'Moo' come from?”

“I might have had a fascination with cows when I was four. Yes, I've dealt with their shit for almost twenty years. It's a little old at this point but I can't shake it.”

“Fascination my ass.” I glared at Mike for getting in the middle of this. He was usually the one who acted like a wallflower in any social situation. Why was he suddenly Mr. Talkative? “She was obsessed. If she saw a cow while we were driving, she'd yell to it hoping it would look her way. One time, she begged Dad to pull over so she could go and say hello to a cow that was near the fence. And if she saw anything with cows on it in the store, she had to have it. I'm pretty sure the boxes are still upstairs. Want me to grab them so you can decorate the bus?”

“F*ck you, Michael. Don't you have something you could be doing?” The words were there but there was still no emotion in them. The only reason I was fighting sleep was fear for what they would talk about once I passed out.

It didn't take long before the need to sleep won the fight with my paranoia. I'd deal with the ramifications later. And if there was one thing I knew, it was I'd be sure to hear about what I missed. Possibly for the rest of my life.



“Come on, sleeping beauty. Let's get you into your bed,” Colton whispered. I cracked my eyes open just far enough to see where I was; still in the basement. Two concerned big brothers were watching the exchange between me and Colton a little more closely than I was comfortable with.

“Where's Trav and Jon?” The game of pool had disbanded and we were alone with Matt and Mike. Of course, the one brother I wouldn't have to worry about reading too much into the closeness had made himself scarce.

“They're outside with Mark.” I cocked an eyebrow at the thought of my gay brother in the hot tub with my two very attractive band mates. “They'll be fine. Let's go.”

Before my foot hit the first step, my brothers scooped me up and pulled me back into the rec room. I turned around to see them standing shoulder to shoulder in front of me.

“So, uh...” Mike having trouble finding the words when he wanted to speak was worth noting. Mom always said he was as quiet as he was because he only said what needed to be said when it needed to be said.

“What he's trying to say,” Matt said, taking control of the conversation and slapping Mike in the chest, “is you were pretty good out there. You obviously love what you're doing and it's pretty evident that Jon, Travis and Colton care about you. So, we're sorry for giving you such a hard time for so long.”

There were no tears this time. I'm not sure if that's because I was getting used to hearing kind words from my family or if I had hit the point where there simply were no more tears to shed. I wrapped one arm around each brother and pulled them in tight. “Thanks,” I whispered before releasing them.

Colton and I plodded up the two sets of stairs and into my bedroom. “You know they'll have your balls if you sleep with me tonight, right?” Sleeping under the same roof as Colton and still having an empty bed was going to be a special level of torture, but nothing compared to the wrath of four angry Neumann men.

“What do you want, Rain?” I realized in those few words just how well Colton knew me. It had nothing to do with his question and everything to do with how he addressed me. When we were around my family, I was Maddie but here in my room, when it was just us, I was Rain.

I bit my lower lip, debating whether to tell him the truth or not. The look in his eyes begged me to ask him to stay. He didn't want to sleep alone either.

“I don't want you to go but I don't want to explain your untimely death to five thousand fans on Sunday night either.”

“We can deal with them in the morning. If you want me here tonight, that's where I'll be.”

“Thank you.” I took the hot pink down comforter off the bed and pulled back the sheet. Colton crawled in behind me and pulled me against his chest.

As I drifted to sleep, his lips pressed against my bare shoulder. I knew I should object but I liked it. It was such a simple act, but it was a step in a direction we'd both decided we weren't going to go. That didn't upset me as much as I thought it would.