I saw his arm rising toward me and I braced myself, trying not to flinch, unsure of what to expect. His fingers moved under my chin and lifted my head up to meet his gaze, but I locked it in place.
He growled and the sound sent a shockwave through me, igniting the spark. His fingers made a light trail around my neck and into my hair, leaving fire in their wake. He wrapped his fingers around my locks and gave a forcible tug. My eyes rose to meet his steel, pained ones.
He paused, staring at me, waiting for recognition to take hold. For me to see that is was him, Nathan, standing in front of me, and no one else. My vision cleared, the pounding in my ears lessening.
My body bowed to his, my chest rising, as if he was pulling me to him with an invisible cord. I knew his touch, loved his touch.
I was reminded that I wasn’t afraid of his hands on me. Not his. They were aggressive and forceful, but different as night and day to the touch I’d once known. I didn’t shy away from Nathan, but moved toward him. My whole body gravitated to his.
The fear melted away when he pressed his body to mine. My heart sped up at his proximity, as it always did; it drummed loudly, drowning out any other sound.
His eyes were dark now; they always darkened when he knew he had me.
Lips came down and pressed hard against mine, his tongue begging for entrance. The moment I surrendered to him, his control slipped; he pushed me into the wall, deepening the kiss, building it into a frenzy.
After a moment he pulled back. His hand released my hair and brushed a few strands away from my face.
“Tell me,” he said.
My eyes were frantic as they looked around, waiting for one of the voices to say something.
Nathan’s hand grabbed hold of my jaw to keep me facing him. “It’s just you and me. Now, tell me.”
“A dream,” I whispered. “It was just a nightmare, that’s all.”
He heaved a sigh and stepped away. The small motion tore at my chest, and I found my hand reaching out to him, my eyes wide with fear. I watched sadness and anger cross his face at my reaction.
“Come on,” he said, turning and walking to the shower. He leaned in to turn on the water, his back facing me. My eyes wandered over his skin, studying the scars there.
Of their own accord, my feet moved to stand behind him, my hand reaching out and tracing along the lines. He jumped, startled by my approach. As the water heated, he allowed my exploring to continue.
Nathan had scars on the outside to match the scars he held on the inside, where as mine were all inside. The physical pain he endured topped with the emotional…I understood why he said those things, but it still hurt so much to know he wanted to be dead.
I wasn’t going to be enough to keep him here. I could barely keep myself standing; how could I save him?
The thought was crushing. I wrapped my arms around his waist and pulled him back to me. I began crying into the space between his shoulder blades, my arms locking in place, keeping him from turning around.
“Lila.” His hands pried mine off and he pulled me in front of him.
He gazed down at me, and I knew he could see the tears sliding down my cheeks. He sighed before walking me backward into the shower. The water was hot against my cool skin as we entered the dual spray. I let the water run down my face, into my hair, rinsing away the dream, but my body wouldn’t relax.
My eyes traveled over his body as I washed my skin. I scrubbed harder, trying to get the words, the memories off me. After I was rinsed clean, I stepped in front of him and my fingers began trailing along the large scar that ran down the side of his ribs and across his hip.
It was a daily reminder to him each time he looked in the mirror. He couldn’t escape his past.
My past might have dictated the type of person I was, but I had control over the person I would become. They couldn’t control me anymore. I hadn’t seen nor talked to them in years.
It was what I told myself over and over, but there were still times it wasn’t enough.