His head flew back in laughter; full of menace and hate. To my horror, I watched as his black hair turned brown, and when his eyes returned to mine, Nathan’s sea-blue’s glared back, bright and menacing.
“They’re right. Do you honestly think you can ’fix’ me and that I’ll love you, Lila?”
My eyes dropped back to the ground. I was shaking, hard. My chest was too tight.
“Lila…”
“How could I ever love you?”
“Lila…”
My whole body was moving; my stomach clenching. I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Look at me and then look at yourself. Do you really think someone like me could ever be with someone like you?”
“Lila…”
The shaking continued, rattling my body back and forth.
“Lila!”
My eyes snapped wide open. Light greeted me, and I found myself staring straight into blue; Nathan’s eyes. His real eyes, bright and full of worry.
The darkness was gone.
My stomach turned, and the bile was rising up, escaping. I kicked off the covers and rolled to the side, pushing my body up from the bed. I could still hear him calling to me as I attempted to run.
In my haste and dizziness, I began stumbling, almost falling to the ground. I managed to pick myself up before I went crashing to the floor. I made it to the bathroom, and reached the toilet. My retching echoed off the walls as I heaved the bile and acid flying from my stomach.
Dry heaves racked me, my body attempting to expunge the dream, to purge it from my mind and soul. Every part of me was shaking, and it took a moment to gain the strength to stand.
Years. It had been years since I had a nightmare like that: intense, real, terrifying. The magnitude was so great my body attempted to rid itself of the images, of the words. I sat on the floor in front of the toilet, while my breathing regulated. My heart was hammering against my chest, beating furiously in an attempt to escape.
Flee. Everything in me wanted to flee.
I could feel his eyes on me: watching, observing, and waiting. I didn’t want him to see me in such a pathetic state. Vulnerability was a weakness I could not afford to show. It would be just another reason for him to leave me—another thing that would be too much for him to handle.
After a few minutes, I could breathe again, and I pulled myself from the floor. It wasn’t an easy task with my body still shaking and my legs still feeling like limp noodles from our previous night’s activities. I wobbled a bit before inching to the sink and grabbing my toothbrush from the holder.
I brushed my teeth in utter silence, but I could still feel him watching me in the mirror. He stood next to me, grabbing his toothbrush as well. My eyes avoided him. If I didn’t look at him, perhaps I would be spared.
No.
It was Nathan. Not Adam. Not my dad, Steve. Not Cheryl.
Nathan.
I was still trapped, weighed down by my nightmare. I thought I heard him calling my name, but it was almost like it was through the water that had crashed around me, drowning everything out.
I was lost, I didn’t know what to do, how to act. I needed to leave. Get out.
Get out!
Get out! I want you out of my house.
“Lila!” Nathan yelled. His hand slammed on the wall in front of me, blocking my exit.
I flinched and backed away. My eyes grew wide as I stared at him before I looked down at the ground. With slow, measured steps I walked backward until I hit the wall, my eyes glued to the floor.
“Lila?” he questioned. It was obvious he was taken aback by my actions.
The concern in his voice at my reaction filled my ears. I tried to push it back down, back into its hole, but the dream was still so raw and fresh, reverting me back over ten years. I felt my stomach coiling again.
In my peripheral vision I saw his shadow move against the tile floor. It wavered as he took a step forward. My blood ran cold, my eyes wide, my breathing stopped.
I was frozen in fear.
“Lila?”
I still couldn’t respond.
How could he ever love you? How could anyone?