Anything for Her

chapter SEVENTEEN



ALTHOUGH EXHAUSTED, Allie’s body refused to succumb to sleep. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried every technique she knew for falling asleep.

A black velvet sky settling gently over her...deep, dark, like the shadows beside the old lilac bush where Nolan had kissed her. Damn it, no.

Okay, concentrate on happy moments. Cuddling a kitten. But instead, all she came up with was Cassie’s long pink tongue wrapped around her hand.

Something fun, then. When had she last had fun? Waterskiing...knowing Nolan was waiting for her back at the dock, proud she’d been willing to try even though she was timid in the water.

And so it went. Every single blasted effort she made to relax herself seemed to involve Nolan, and her body got stiffer and stiffer until she felt as if only her heels and her shoulder blades were actually touching the mattress.

Groaning, she slapped the pillow down on her face. Oh, why not get up? She might as well read or quilt or something.

Except when she did get up, her eyes burned and felt gritty. Her chest was being squeezed by a tight band and her stomach was knotted even tighter.

Maybe I’m hungry.

She opened the refrigerator and stared inside. Somehow a salad didn’t sound very palatable in the middle of the night.

Cupboard. Maybe soup...?

Finally she put water on to boil to make herself a cup of herbal tea. Neither of the varieties she found promised to aid sleep, but warm milk had always sounded disgusting to her.

Waiting for the teakettle to whistle, Allie stared blankly at the refrigerator door, decorated only with a handful of quilting-related magnets. Refrigerator doors, she thought, were meant for displaying children’s artwork.

The pressure in her chest became more intense, stealing her breath. For a moment she could have sworn some colorful drawings did hang on the otherwise white surface. She heard a giggle and turned her head sharply, but of course she was alone.

This might be my only chance. Do I even want children, if they aren’t Nolan’s?

Allie wondered what their children would look like. Would they take after him, solid and quiet and intuitive? Or after her, small, slight, inclined to settle only in front of her quilt frame? She would love to have children with his bright blue eyes.

Nolan was so good with Sean. He’d be the best father in the world, endlessly patient, gentle. She pictured him swinging a little girl into the air and laughing up at her.

Oh, damn. She squeezed her dry eyes closed and dropped her head onto her forearm, only to jump when the teakettle whistled.

I love him.

Finding Nolan had been a miracle. The stone man, who had the kindest heart she’d ever known and was incredibly sexy besides. She loved every minute she’d spent with him. The past few days, once she’d admitted her secret to him and he had told her he loved her, had been the happiest of her life.

She tried to summon the memory of other joyous times—when she was accepted to American Ballet Theatre, or was cast in Firebird, but none compared. They were triumphs, but only steps along the way to a far-off goal. Loving Nolan was...finding where she belonged. Her dream of dance seemed very long ago.

She had been called to dance. But for all the joy dance had given her, all the passion and dedication and even pain she had been willing to give in return, she had lived without it. Ultimately, becoming a quilt maker had given her joy, too.

What she’d never done in her life was give her heart—until she had looked up at that almost-homely face and straight into Nolan’s stunningly clear blue eyes, the expression in them equally arrested. From that first moment, she thought.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. Who had said that, him or her?

We don’t have to be.

She stood up and turned off the burner, moving the teakettle off it without bothering to pour water into the cup. Her tension and pain seemed to be floating away, leaving her feeling extraordinarily light. Maybe, she thought frivolously, absurdly, she could do that jeté now and stay airborne as long as she liked.

She made herself remember that he’d had her investigated, but couldn’t muster any anger at all, because she did understand why he’d done it.

She really was a lousy liar, and Nolan had an especially deep-seated fear of lies. It wasn’t hard to picture how incredulous he must have felt at the idea that in loving her he was replicating his parents’ relationship. It was no surprise he’d had to get answers about her, one way or another.

Despite what he’d done, she believed with all her heart that she could trust him. When he made a commitment, Nolan would keep it. Even Sean was starting to have faith, Allie thought, although he hadn’t been with Nolan all that long.

If I choose him, he’ll be on my side forever and ever.

Between one heartbeat and the next, she made her decision. It was easier than she’d imagined it could be. She didn’t understand why coming to it had taken her so long.

If only he’d forgive her. Allie couldn’t believe that she’d ever been so foolish.

Middle of the night or not, she wanted to call him. Drive over to his house and pound on the door. But of course that was silly.

Mom, she thought, on a renewed stab of pain. I have to talk to Mom. It seemed only fair to clear the decks before she went to Nolan.

Come morning, heavy-eyed, she called her mother first. “We have to talk,” she said simply. When her mother questioned her, she pretended to have a customer.

She couldn’t reach Barbara, and made the decision to close the shop for an hour when her mother got here. She’d never done that before, but other shopkeepers here in town did it from time to time. Nobody would be able to see her and Mom sitting in back. She scribbled a quick note. Family Emergency—Back at 11:00.

When Mom walked in, Allie hung the note and locked the door, grateful not to have any customers at the moment.

“Let’s go in back,” she said, and her mother followed her down the central aisle.

They sat down and looked at each other.

“I won’t be going with you,” Allie said, and braced herself for the storm.

Instead, she saw dignity and pained acceptance. “I thought that’s what you’d decide.”

“You’ve been acting as if you assumed I would go.”

“I’ve been hoping,” her mother corrected. “Selfishly, I know.” She gave a small, twisted smile. “Despite what he did, I think your Nolan is a good man. He can make you happy. You deserve that, Allie. And more. I suppose I’ve clung to you, but it’s time for me to stop.”

“Oh, Mom.” Tears, hot and fierce, spilled from Allie’s eyes. “I love you. I don’t want to lose either of you. I don’t.”

Their hands connected, squeezed so tightly it was hard to tell where one began and the other ended.

“No. I know. I hope you don’t have to.”

Allie wasn’t the only one crying. For once, the tears seemed to be freeing. For forty-five minutes, they sat and talked about good times and bad without any of the emotional tension that had been there for so long Allie wasn’t sure when it had begun. It was as if, in a moment, they had both been able to let go of all the resentment, all the expectations, everything except the friendship and love.

At the end her mother looked at her. “If I’d known then what I know now, I would have made a different decision. I hope you know that.” The movement her mouth made couldn’t even be called a smile. “Admitting to myself how much I hurt all of you hasn’t been easy. I’ve resolved to write Jason and tell him how sorry I am, too.”

“Back then, you couldn’t know what would happen,” Allie said.

Mom shook her head. “I knew how miserable all of you were. I told myself... Well, it doesn’t matter now, does it? I can’t take any of it back.”

“No.” Allie in turn tried to smile. “Maybe you won’t have to go anywhere, Mom. I want you to stay.”

“I want to stay, too. Needless to say, I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept thinking about you and what I was asking you to give up. I decided that I won’t agree to a move unless there is real evidence someone is looking for me and may be close to finding me.

“I want to stay close to you. I want to hold my grandchildren. I like my job and my house and...darn it, I want to be president of the Friends of the Library!”

They both laughed, although Allie for one had a lump in her throat.

The next second, her mother was swiping at new tears. “Oh, damn. I’m crying a river. For goodness’ sake. It’s time I leave you to open the store again. You don’t want to lose customers. We can talk again.”

She’d mostly mopped up all the tears by the time they reached the front of the store. They hugged, whispered, “I love you,” and her mother slipped out and hurried away.

Allie flipped the sign back to Open and crumpled up the handwritten note. She stood for a long time looking out the front window at the surprisingly busy downtown street of this small town. Home, she thought, but knew in the next second that it wasn’t the place that mattered, any more than things mattered.

If she called Nolan, would he come? Remembering again the way he’d looked at her that night, she was afraid she knew the answer. She had to go to him, not the other way around.

As soon as she closed the shop, she would drive straight to his house and pray he was there and willing to listen to her.

* * *

NOLAN PARKED HIS truck at the curb in front of the beauty parlor a couple of doors down from Allie’s store and wondered if this was a really bad idea. He sure as hell didn’t want this discussion to be interrupted.

You’ve come this far, he told himself.

He grunted in something close to amusement. He had yet to display any patience at all where Allie was concerned. Why break a streak?

Finally he grabbed the warm bags from the passenger seat, got out, locked the truck and walked the forty feet or so to her door.

He was glad he’d worn his sheepskin coat. The pale gray sky and biting cold hinted at snow. It wasn’t common at this elevation in November, but ski season did typically open Thanksgiving weekend in the Cascades.

Thanksgiving was less than a week away. Not that long ago he’d assumed he would be celebrating it with Allie and her mother as well as Sean. He’d thought about trying to talk his sister into flying out and joining them. He really wanted to see her, and he’d wanted her to meet Allie.

How quickly things changed.

Pausing outside her store, a part of him noted how effective her window display was, with a quilt draped artfully and surrounded by coordinating bolts of fabrics. Several quilting how-to and pattern books lay scattered as if left in an absentminded moment. Enter, the display whispered. Look at the wonders within. You can do this, too, you know. Don’t you want to find out if there’s an artist inside you? Irresistible.

You planning to stand out here for maybe an hour or two?

He muffled a groan and reached for the damn doorknob. It would be just his luck if there were half a dozen women in there, all of whom would turn and stare at him when he walked in.

The bell tinkled and silence enveloped him.

“Hello, I’ll be with you in a moment,” Allie called from out of sight, and he was thrown back to that first day.

He remembered his astonishment at the multitude of fabrics, the colors, patterns, the femininity of his surroundings. But determination had carried him forward, through the alien landscape, until he’d found...Allie.

Determination set his feet on the same path this time, although his goal had changed. He reached the back room, unlike that first time not even taking in the quilt stretched in the frame.

Allie lifted her head, shock widening her eyes. The black leather thimble she was using dropped to the quilt top and she pushed back her chair with a jerk and rose to her feet.

“Nolan?” Her voice squeaked.

He held up the bags, as if they were answer enough. His hungry eyes took her in. Her hair was up in that ballerina-do, exposing the pure line of her neck and throat. She wore one of her skirts that draped artfully, and a formfitting knit top with three-quarter sleeves. She was bright and beautiful, graceful and so precious to him he ached.

“I never thought,” she whispered.

His mouth crooked up. “That I wouldn’t take no as an answer even when you said it loud and clear?”

“Of course that’s not what I meant.”

He set down the bags of food. His fingers flexed. It took an effort of will to make them loosen.

“I told you I love you.” That came out as rough as crude granite.

Allie took a step closer to him, her glorious eyes raised to him. “Nolan, I was going to come and see you. To tell you...”

He ignored her. He had to get this out. “I’m here to say that if they decide to move you, Sean and I want to go, too. With you,” he added, to be absolutely sure she understood. “We’re okay with new names and the whole deal.”

For the longest time she didn’t move, not even to blink or breathe. Nolan tried not to twitch under that stunned stare.

“With me?”

“With you,” he repeated. He cleared his throat. “If you’ll have us.”

She burst into tears.

* * *

OH, HELL. Was her reaction good news for him or bad? Either way, he took her into his arms, tucked her head under his chin and held her tight.

“It’s okay.” He squeezed his eyes shut and laid a cheek against her hair. “God. You don’t have to cry. If you don’t want us, just say so. I’ll go away. I’m not going to become a stalker.”

She grabbed handfuls of his shirt near his spine. He felt the tension in her fingers.

Okay, she was holding on, too. His hopes rose.

He murmured meaningless stuff until her shoulders quit shaking so hard and her body began to relax against his. Then he took a deep breath.

“I wasn’t being fair,” he said. “I was doing what everyone else always has, demanding you make a choice and assuming you’d choose me. I was an ass. But it’s not going to be that way this time. All you have to do is tell me how much to pack and when we’re going. We’ll be ready.”

Allie wiped her face on him. Tears and snot both, he thought, his tenderness tinged with amusement. Be honest, tinged with fear, too. Because she might be working her way up to saying, Thanks, but no thanks. And then he’d have to keep his word, turn and walk out of here in the full knowledge he’d never in this lifetime set eyes on her again.

I don’t know if I can do that.

I promised.

Apprehension made him feel big, clumsy, dumb. He had a flicker of seeing himself as the stone man he’d carved, beyond any feelings. Is that what would happen to him if Allie turned him away?

She let go of his shirt, one finger at a time. He wanted her to keep clutching tight. If the answer is no, don’t say it yet. Let me hope for a little longer.

Stupid.

She struggled a little in his embrace, and he reluctantly loosened it so she could ease back enough to look up at him. The tears were smeared but still there on her cheeks. Damp tendrils of dark hair stuck to her forehead and temple. Her usually elegant nose was Rudolph-red. Her eyes were pink, puffy...and held an expression he could only interpret as awe. A smile trembled on her lips.

“I never even thought of asking if you’d go with me.” The smile wobbled right out of existence. “I never dreamed anyone would. You would be giving up so much.”

“Not as much as I’d be giving up if I let you go,” he managed to say gruffly.

“And Sean is really, truly willing, too?”

“Yeah.” He eyed her warily. “I broke my word to you. I had to tell him everything.”

“That’s okay. I trust him.”

She kept searching his face, her expression so astonished and wondering. He knew that no matter whether she wanted him or not, the gift he’d offered meant more to her than even he’d imagined.

But, shit, he wished she’d say something. When she didn’t, he couldn’t take it another minute.

“So.” He cleared his throat. “Is this a yes?”

“No,” she said softly, “this is a thank-you.”

He backed up a step, his muscles coiling painfully. “Because you’re still mad at me? Or because you’ve realized you don’t love me enough to commit to the long haul?”

“What?” Crinkles formed on her high, curved forehead. “No! What are you talking about?”

He unclenched his jaw. “Then what did you mean?”

“I meant thank you but I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here.” Her gaze was suddenly shy. “If you want me.”

Shaking his head, Nolan tried to figure out what she was saying. “You mean, your mother has gotten word they won’t be moving her?”

“No. She doesn’t know. What I’m trying to tell you is that I was an idiot. I love you. I’m staying even if Mom is relocated. I was going to come to tell you as soon as I closed up shop. I need you to know how sorry I am for hurting you the way I did. I will never leave you.”

He had to take a moment to let it sink in. She loved him. She wasn’t leaving. She’d chosen him. The tsunami of emotions was almost painful. She loved him. She’d forgiven him. She...

Nolan let out a whoop, grabbed her and swung her in a circle. Laughing, Allie clutched his shoulders. Her nose was still pink, her face still blotchy, but with that smile, she was also lit with all the delicate beauty and promise of sunrise over the mountains. He slowed, came to a stop and let her slide down his body.

“God, I love you.”

Her hands left his shoulders to cup his face. “I love you.”

“I meant it, you know.”

“That you love me?” She looked perplexed.

“That Sean and I are willing to go.” Nolan needed her to understand this. “I’m more honored than I can say that you chose me, but I don’t want you to suffer any more losses in your life.

“Some of what I said to you before was crap. Sure, most of us let go of our parents—but not all the way, like I was demanding of you. I understand why your mother is so important to you. Talk to her before you make up your mind, Allie. My offer is sincerely meant. Say the word and Sean and I will start packing.”

She shook her head, but he saw a new shimmer in her eyes. “No. I love my store, and quilting, and being Allie Wright. Thanks to you, I can be Allie, with no regrets.”

He looked into her eyes and saw that she meant it, heart and soul. The tangle inside him was still painful but also so sweet. Having everything you’d ever wanted handed to you was an astonishing experience.

“Does that mean you’re not going to take my name?” Lightening the moment seemed like a good idea.

Allie’s smile brightened. “Actually, I would love to take your name. I’m not all that attached to the name Wright, you know. You promised that I could keep Radek forever. I like that idea.”

“Yeah.” His arms contracted around her. “Forever sounds good to me.”

“Me, too.” She lifted her face for a kiss.

Kissing her was a damn good idea, too. He kept right on doing it long after hearing a stupid little bell ring somewhere.


One month later

“I HAVE THIS horrible feeling we’ve forgotten something important. Rushing is never a good idea.” Mom paced almost to Nolan’s dining room, then back across the kitchen. She frowned. “Flowers.”

“Done, Mom.” Knowing perfectly well why her mother was so nervous, so lacking in her usual confidence, Allie could be patient.

“Your dress is perfect.”

Allie smiled at her. “So is yours.”

“I can’t believe tomorrow is your wedding day.”

Allie could. She’d been ready from the moment she told Nolan that she was staying with him no matter what happened with Mom.

Their first thought was to get married immediately in a civil ceremony so Allie’s mother could be there. But when it became apparent that she wouldn’t be relocated, after all, they had decided to arrange a somewhat more traditional wedding.

The intervening month had seemed to drag on forever as far as Allie was concerned. Nolan had been even more impatient. Because of Sean, neither of them was comfortable with her moving into his house before they were a married couple, which meant not seeing each other nearly as often as they wanted.

And now here they were, less than a week before Christmas, and tomorrow was her wedding day.

But at the moment, it wasn’t her wedding that had Allie and her mother both fidgety and hopeful.

They were waiting to hear the sound of Nolan’s truck turning into the driveway.

Feet thundered down the stairs from the second floor. Claws clattered on the hardwood floor, and Cassie galloped ahead of Sean into the kitchen, her tail and butt swinging with pleasure at finding two of her favorite people there. Allie’s mother had become very fond of Cassie, and was even talking about adopting a dog herself.

“Something smaller,” she had said. “You know how tiny my yard is. But I think I’d enjoy the company.”

Allie had privately smiled and suspected Mom would come home from the shelter with a Great Dane mix or something equally inappropriate. Sort of like Lady the beagle, with her wandering gene. How many times had Mom thrown up her hands and exclaimed, “We should find her a home in the country!” just before sneaking a treat under the table.

“How come he isn’t back yet?” Sean complained.

“He might have hit heavy traffic,” Allie said. “Or the flight could have been delayed.”

“I’m going to look stupid in a suit and tie.”

Allie laughed, went to him and rose on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “You’re going to look handsome, and you know it.”

His cheeks reddened. “At least no one I know will see me,” he said gruffly.

“You know us. And now your aunt Anna and your grandparents.”

Nolan’s parents and sister had arrived the day before but had decided to sightsee and have dinner out this evening. Allie thought they were being polite, not wanting to intrude on this reunion. They planned to return before bedtime.

Jed’s wife was pregnant again and vilely nauseated, and he’d felt too guilty to either drag her onto an airplane or leave her. Nolan had laughed and said, “That’s an excuse I can accept.” His parents were going home to Chicago for Christmas; Anna was staying to celebrate the holiday with Nolan and his new family.

Now Sean scowled. “They’re not really my grandparents.”

Allie smiled at him. “They will be.” She and Nolan were going to officially adopt him after the first of the year. They had given him the choice of keeping his last name if he wanted, but he’d decided to become a Radek, too.

“Yeah.” He shuffled his feet. “I guess so. It’ll be weird.”

“Who are you calling weird?” Allie’s mom said in mock offense.

He looked at her in alarm. “I wasn’t... I mean, I know you. They’re, like, strangers.”

“Grandma,” she prompted him.

His blush deepened. But then, suddenly, he flashed her a wicked grin. “Grandma. Shouldn’t you be sitting down? At your age and all?”

“Brat.”

They both laughed. Allie watched their interplay with delight. Life couldn’t always be this good, could it?

No. Jason might have changed his mind and not come. Maybe that’s what had taken Nolan so long. He’d scoured the airport and had Jason paged and maybe finally discovered he had a voice mail message from him...

She heaved a sigh. Of course Nolan would have called to tell them. She knew that. But sooner or later, something lousy would happen. Sean would rebel and decide these new parents weren’t so cool after all. Or she and Nolan would have a child with a birth defect or... Oh, who knew.

Yes, but I’ll have him.

His steadiness would be her anchor, no matter what happened.

Sean cocked his head. “Hey, isn’t that his truck?”

“Oh, dear God.” Allie’s mother pressed one hand to her breast and the other to her mouth.

Allie’s pulse leaped and she listened hard. The deep rumble of Nolan’s diesel engine was unmistakable. It always reminded her of his voice. “It’s them,” she said, excited and terrified all at the same time.

Dumb.

Sean and Cassie bounded enthusiastically for the front door. Allie and her mother stared at each other for a stricken moment before following more slowly.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Mom murmured.

“Me, either.”

Mom’s “handler” had informed them that all the activity stirring the alarm could be traced directly to the P.I. Nolan hired. There wasn’t the slightest indication of any other interest. Nor was there any indication that the Nelson identity had been penetrated. The U.S. Marshals Service didn’t see why Jason couldn’t resume cautious contact with his mother and sister, and Allie’s dad with her. Jason had flown out to attend the wedding and stay for Christmas; Nolan and Allie had promised to visit her father sometime this spring.

Hearing her dad’s and Jason’s voices on the phone had seemed wondrous, but also...unreal, she realized now. She was having trouble believing she would be seeing her brother in person as soon as she stepped out onto the front porch.

Ahead of her, Mom hesitated for the longest moment before following Sean out the door. She had to be even more blown away, Allie realized. Mom had believed she’d never see her son again, and now here he was.

Taking a deep breath, Allie joined her mother. Sean was already loping down the porch steps to meet Nolan, who was climbing out of the pickup. The passenger side door opened, and a man got out. Allie stared, thinking, Wait a minute—that’s not Jason.

But it was, she saw the minute he started walking toward them, at first slowly and then faster and faster until he’d broken into a jog. Allie’s mother made a strange sound.

He’d been a boy the last time they saw him, only nineteen. He was thirty now, a man. His thin body had filled out.

Eyes filling with tears, Allie started down the steps. They met halfway. He squeezed her in a huge hug that lifted her off her feet.

“Chloe the dancing girl,” he said roughly into her hair.

“Jacob. Oh, my God.”

He gently lowered her, and she felt the moment he looked past her. “Mom,” he said in a low, shaken voice. He set Allie aside and climbed the last two steps slowly, never looking away from his mother.

Allie had never seen anything like that expression on their mother’s face. It was as if her every dream had come true. When Jason enveloped Mom in a hug, all Allie could see was his back, broader and stronger than she remembered it being.

Helplessly, she turned to Nolan, who was coming up the steps to her. He was smiling crookedly.

“Sorry we’re late.”

Unable to speak, she shook her head.

“You should see your face.”

Maybe her expression wasn’t that different from her mom’s, she thought. When Nolan reached a hand to her, she took it.

“You know, if you hadn’t had me investigated, none of this ever would have happened.”

“You can’t know that.”

“I do. It was like...like shaking a bottle. All the bad stuff rose from the bottom.”

He laughed, but not altogether happily. “I wish I could say that’s what I meant to do, Allie. But we both know better.”

She heard the sound of her mother weeping. When she looked, she saw that neither Jason nor Mom had moved. He held her, his head bent over hers. Allie’s grip on Nolan’s big hand tightened.

“I love you.” The words trembled with her intensity.

“And I love you, Allie the dancing girl,” he said, very deliberately, never looking away from her.

“Not the dancing girl anymore.”

His smile was slow but sure, like Nolan himself. “Yeah, you are. Every step you take, every movement, is part of a dance. I figure, clumsy as I am, I got real lucky to be picked as your partner.”

Although her eyes were stinging, she was smiling, too. “In dance, the male role is to lift the female dancer. He helps her fly. That’s what you do for me, Nolan. And I always feel safe with you.”

He climbed another step so he could wrap his arms around her. “Funny thing is, sometimes lately I think you’ve taken me flying with you.” He kissed her with tenderness more than passion. “Are you happy, Allie?”

Her smile bloomed until she didn’t think it could get any bigger.

Past Nolan, Sean waited at the foot of the stairs, his hand on Cassie’s head. Both gazed anxiously upward. There was Nolan, his eyes so blue and intent on her. And when Allie turned, she saw that her brother had his arm around their mother and they’d turned. Mom was laughing through her tears. And Jason...the look in his eyes could have broken Allie’s heart, if it wasn’t also so amazing.

“I didn’t know it was possible to be so happy,” she told Nolan. She kissed his cheek and then called to Sean, “Come up here and meet my brother.”

* * * * *