Anything for Her

chapter FOURTEEN



“RUINED EVERYTHING?” NOLAN cupped her face with one hand, wiping at the tears with his thumb. “Of course you haven’t. I’m the one who should be asking you that. I’ve been such a jackass. Demanding everything from you, not letting myself see what stress you were under.”

Her eyes shimmered, the dampness making them even more beautiful, like a pebble that came to life in the water. Droplets glittered on her dark lashes. For a long time, she searched his face as if she couldn’t understand—or believe—a word he’d said. And then she crumpled. She grabbed his shirt in both hands to anchor herself, buried her face in the crook of his neck and sobbed.

Nolan’s eyes stung, too. He’d done this to her. No, he thought on a burst of anger, not only him. The father and brother who had let her go as if she didn’t matter, the mother who by most standards had made the noble choice but who, in doing so, had unalterably damaged her daughter’s life.

He rocked Allie, his cheek pressed to the top of her head, and murmured nonsense meant to comfort. “It’s all right. Oh, sweetheart. Thank you for telling me. God, I’m sorry. So sorry, Allie. Shh. Oh, damn it, honey.”

He was sure she was going to make herself sick. But maybe, it occurred to him, she needed to surrender to all this hurt. Had she ever let herself cry like this? Somehow he doubted it.

He understood so much about Allie now. Her astonishing physical grace and poise, the seemingly unconscious care of every small movement down to the tilt of her head and any casual gesture of her hand. The creativity and absolute commitment she brought now to her quilting, learned as a young girl pursuing an entirely different passion. The shyness and caution that made her so guarded and even aloof. Her delight and surprise at moments of real intimacy.

The way she identified with Sean.

Her odd reaction when they talked about the possibility of changing the dog’s name. That must have hit painfully close to home.

The crying slowed at last. By the time the final sob shook her slender body, Nolan was probably in as much distress as she was.

He wanted to take care of her, to save her from ever feeling this kind of pain. He hated everyone who had ever hurt her. He was furious at himself. And yet, the huge bubble of emotion in his chest was something altogether different. It was gratitude, because she had opened up to him even though doing so had been enormously difficult for her.

“I love you,” he said hoarsely. “I love you.”

She stirred at that. He loosened his arms so she could straighten and see his face. Her face, blotchy and swollen and wet, had never looked more beautiful to him.

“Do you mean that?”

“Of course I do. It’s been killing me by inches, knowing you were hiding one hell of a lot. You’ve been tearing me in two.”

Her face worked again. After a struggle she regained her composure. “I’ve been breaking into a thousand pieces. Oh, Nolan. I love you. I do. I was so afraid.”

She loved him. The knowledge blazed inside him, torching every last doubt or fear. He bent forward until his forehead touched hers. “Thank you for telling me. Thank you.”

Allie still hadn’t released her grip on his shirt. From this angle, he could see her two fists clutching onto him. He liked knowing she wasn’t willing to let go.

Her slight nod bumped against his head.

“Do you feel better now?” He squeezed her neck. “Or worse?”

“I...don’t know,” she admitted. “Somehow I have to put myself back together, and I have no idea how.”

“I’ll do anything I can to help. Anything.”

On an inarticulate exclamation, she pressed her mouth to his. The kiss hurt for a minute, their lips jammed between their teeth. That bubble in his chest expanded until he couldn’t breathe. He opened his mouth and coaxed her to do the same. The next instant, they were kissing deeply, passionately, utterly lost in each other.

“Love you,” he growled, pulling his mouth away long enough to kiss her neck.

She took the opportunity to bite his earlobe. His body surged and he rose to his feet, adjusting Allie so that she wrapped her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist.

He wasn’t sure he’d make it to the bedroom, but there was no sofa in the living room and not much floor space, either.

Somehow he made it around the quilt frame and stumbled down the short hall and through the door into her room. She didn’t help matters, her mouth open and damp on his throat, her tongue slipping out to taste his skin.

Nolan collapsed with her onto the bed, his weight compressing her into the mattress. If she minded, it wasn’t obvious. She moaned and lifted her hips to cradle him.

Their clothes disappeared. Fabric ripped at one point. Getting a condom on was a miracle. Driving into her felt better than anything ever had in his life. The only way to silence the guttural sounds he was making was to kiss her again.

Her fingernails bit into his back. He’d lost all ability to take this slowly, to handle her gently, but she didn’t seem to want that. She met every thrust with a ferocity that matched his urgency. He wasn’t going to last, but he had to wait for her. He gripped her buttock and lifted her higher.

She cried his name and came in spasms that destroyed any last remnant of control he’d held on to. He pounded into her, blind, deaf, the pleasure barely short of pain. “Love you,” he managed to get out. And when it ended, he collapsed.

If he was smothering her, it took her a couple of minutes to notice. At her first wriggle, Nolan managed to roll onto his side, taking her with him. To his regret, he slipped out of her body. If he could have stayed there for the rest of his life, he’d have been happy.

“Damn,” he said in a thick voice. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?’

“Hurt me?” Her lack of comprehension was obvious. A frown puckered her forehead while she thought about it. “No,” she finally decided. “You couldn’t.”

“I could.” He rubbed his bristly cheek on her head. “I’m so much bigger than you are.”

A giggle was his answer. It fizzed, pure effervescence. “Bet I can jump higher than you can.”

He’d gone to a ballet once. A woman he was dating in Chicago had bought tickets. He couldn’t say he followed the plot, if there was one, and the experience wasn’t one he’d had any interest in repeating, but the athleticism was mind-boggling. The lead ballerina had literally flown.

“I bet you can, too,” he admitted. Light on his feet he wasn’t. “Next time I’ll let you dance on top of me.”

She stroked his chest, her fingers curling in the dark hair. “That sounds like fun.”

They were quiet for a few minutes. Nolan had never felt so sated, boneless, relaxed. The curve of her slight body against his was perfect. The only part of him inclined to move was his hand, which traced patterns on her back.

As his brain slowly revived, he became aware of how very thin she was. Damn it, he hadn’t been able to feel her ribs the last time he’d held her like this, had he? Her delicate vertebrae were definitely more prominent.

“You’re still losing weight.”

She didn’t move for a moment. He wasn’t sure she was even breathing. At last she sighed. “I do that when I’m worried or unhappy.”

“This time it’s my fault.”

“No. We couldn’t have gone on with me lying to you. I told you. It was tearing me apart. Mom refused to understand at all.” Allie went quiet. “That was the worst part,” she said finally. “She was...pressuring me to stay quiet.”

“Will you tell her?”

“That I opened my mouth and absolutely everything spilled out?”

“Yeah.”

“Yes,” Allie said softly. “She needs to know. Anyway, I’m not a good liar. Remember?”

“I remember.” He nuzzled her hair. “Will she be upset?”

He didn’t like the way she kept going quiet. He felt so good himself, he hated to think that all her worries were already building again inside her.

“Yes,” she said. “I think she will be.” She lifted her head to stare fiercely at him. “You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone. Not even Sean. Especially not Sean. He’s a teenager. Nobody can know. Nobody. Promise me.”

“I promise.” He couldn’t imagine what he’d tell Sean, but not this. Allie’s secrets, Nolan understood with some shock, had now become his. The man who insisted on complete honesty now knew things he’d never be able to tell another soul, even his sister. “I swear, Allie.”

Her eyes burned into his, but finally she nodded and laid her head down again. The way she snuggled closer as she relaxed felt like trust to him. His arms closed more firmly around her. God, he loved her.

In the peaceful time that followed, he tried to decide how uncomfortable he was about keeping Allie’s secret, but didn’t find as much uneasiness as he might have expected. Her safety and happiness had become the most important thing in the world to him. He would never do anything to endanger her or her mother.

Thank God, he thought suddenly, he’d stopped the P.I. when he did. What if the guy had succeeded in tracing the Nelsons to New York? Somehow identified Allie Wright as the talented young dancer Chloe Marr? A chill passed through him. No wonder the investigator’s visit had scared the crap out of Allie’s father!

Did Nelson have some way to get word to Allie’s mother that someone had come around asking questions? Nolan hoped not. Should he call the P.I. and emphasize that he should call it quits?

No. Better to pay the bill and let it go.

Guilt did a dip and roll in his gut. Did he have to tell Allie what he’d done?

He stared up at the ceiling. Yes. He’d demanded complete honesty from her, and he had to give it to her in turn. But...not yet. She’d had enough trauma for one day.

Tomorrow, he decided, ashamed of his relief. Or maybe the day after. Right now, he’d keep holding her close and revel in the knowledge that she loved him.

* * *

ALLIE HAD AWAKENED the next morning smiling. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d done that.

If only Nolan had been able to stay the night. Of course she’d understood; he had a teenage son and couldn’t not go home.

She wanted to wake up with him every morning. Go to bed with him every night.

He hadn’t said anything about the future. Given that he had Sean, Allie couldn’t see him suggesting she move in with them. No, a man of his rock-solid integrity would ask her to marry him. Maybe he thought they needed more time first, though, and maybe he was right.

I love him. She hugged herself in delight.

What she didn’t want to think about was the shadow that hung over her. She had to talk to her mother. Say, Mom, I told him everything. Soon.

Today. Better to get it over with.

Midmorning she called her mother’s mobile number and suggested they have lunch together. When she offered to pop out to the Pea Patch or the bakery and pick up the food, Mom insisted that she had a full hour off, she’d be glad to bring the meal.

By the time she ended the call, Allie felt horribly guilty. Her mother had sounded so relieved. She thought everything was fine now, that their little tiff was past. She wasn’t going to like what Allie had to say.

Mom had taken her break late to accommodate the quiet time in the quilt shop. She arrived in a bustle with bags in hand.

“The loveliest sandwiches on croissants,” she announced, laying them out on the table in back. “Fruit salads and, for you, a ginger-molasses cookie. I can’t afford the calories, but you can.”

“Why don’t we split it?” Allie suggested. “You’re as slim as you were ten years ago. You can certainly get away with a decadent cookie now and again.”

“‘Now and again’ has a way of creeping into ‘every day,’” her mother said ominously.

Allie broke the cookie into two and set one on the napkin in front of her mother.

“Oh, I suppose this once...” She laughed, but gave her daughter a look. “You know me too well.”

Aware that a customer could walk in at any time, Allie knew she had to get this over with. “Mom, I have something to tell you.”

Her mother very carefully set down the croissant she had picked up. There was no sign of laughter on her face now. “What is it?”

Allie hadn’t reached for her own sandwich. She squeezed her hands together on her lap. She couldn’t think of any way to sidle into this. Blunt was best, she decided. Like peeling off a bandage with one yank. “I told Nolan everything.”

“You...what?” Mom whispered.

“You heard me.”

“Why would you do such a thing?” Horror aged her mother as much as the tears on Sunday had. “I begged you.”

“You have to ask me why?” Allie’s chin rose. “I’ve tried to make you understand. I’ve talked until I’m blue in the face, and you haven’t listened. I love Nolan. I cannot make a life with a man who knows only the small surface part of me. I trust him.”

“Oh, dear God.” Mom was shaking. “What have you done?”

“I’ve made him fully part of our lives. That’s what I’ve done.” She hesitated. “I made him promise he would never say a word about it to anyone, not even Sean.”

“Easy to say, hard to do,” her mother said bitterly. “Look at you. You couldn’t follow through.”

Acid burned in her throat. Allie pushed back her chair. “That’s a lousy thing to say, Mom.”

The bell over the shop door rang. Oh, great. Perfect timing. I should have waited until this evening. Allie recognized in that second that she’d chosen this time and venue in the hopes her mother’s response would be moderated. The awareness that they could be interrupted and that they didn’t have long to talk had seemed like a safety net.

She stood up, tearing her gaze from her mother’s ravaged face. “Hello,” she called. “I’m here in back.”

There was no immediate answer. Nolan. Oh, my God, she thought. It’s Nolan. Why hadn’t it occurred to her that he might want to see her today?

He appeared, striding toward her between rows of colorful fabric bolts, his eyes smiling. She couldn’t help contrasting his approach to that first time, when he’d been bemused and cautious, then clearly entranced by her Lady of the Lake quilt. White paper bags dangled from his hands.

“Nolan,” she said. What was the old saying? Between the frying pan and the fire? No, not fair—it was Mom upsetting her today, not him.

He got a good look at her and his expression became warier. “Is something wrong?”

“No. Um...” She gestured. “Mom’s here. She, uh, brought lunch, too.”

He stopped short, suddenly looking blockish in a way he hadn’t. “I’m sorry. I should have called.”

“No, that’s fine.” What else could she say? “You know Mom. Why don’t you join us?”

His eyes asked a question. Allie swallowed and nodded. Yes, I told her.

After a brief hesitation, he walked forward. “Cheryl. Good to see you again. I apologize for butting in here.”

Her mother rose to her feet. “Well, it seems you’ve come at an appropriate time. Since we were just talking about you.”

He set the bags down, seeming to sort through what he wanted to say. “Allie told me your history. What you did took a lot of courage.”

“Thank you. I’m afraid Allie doesn’t see it that way.”

“I doubt that’s true,” he said quietly. “She talked about how close she’s always been to you.”

Allie didn’t want to turn her gaze from his face—no, not handsome, but compelling and capable of such kindness. She made herself look at her mother, though, and saw deep hurt.

“I love my daughter. But I cannot say I’m happy that she felt she had to reveal a past to you that was meant to stay shrouded.” Her eyes fixed on him with blazing intensity. “She says you promised never to tell anyone.”

“I did, and I meant it.”

“My life might depend on you keeping your word. You do understand that.”

Allie stood by, watching the two people she loved most in the world stare at each other as if no one else existed. She hated her sense of helplessness.

“I do,” Nolan said in his deep, slow way. “Of course I do.” He looked at Allie and reached out a hand to her. The expression in his eyes let her know that she’d been wrong; he hadn’t forgotten for a second that she was there.

She let his big hand engulf hers. The gentle squeeze he gave was as comforting as he meant it to be.

“Why don’t we have lunch?” he suggested. “We’ve got plenty of food, and if we don’t eat now Allie will end up being interrupted.”

“Well...I suppose...” Mom turned blindly back to the table. Allie doubted either of them had any appetite, but a pretense had to be made.

He took bowls of soup from one of his bags and said, “Feel free to help yourself, either of you.” When no one made a move, he shrugged, pried the top off one of the bowls and picked up a spoon.

Allie’s mother nibbled at her croissant. Allie did the same.

The silence grew uncomfortable. Nolan glanced from one to the other of them. Finally he looked at Allie’s mom. “You must miss your son very much.”

Her breath hitched. “Yes. We are able to exchange letters. He doesn’t write often— Well, I don’t suppose you write your parents often, either, do you?”

He laughed. “You’ve got me there.”

“He sounds like he’s doing well. He’s a successful businessman. And I’m wondering if he might be serious about the woman he’s been dating. Don’t you think, Allie?”

Dumbfounded to realize that the worst was over—at least until Mom got her alone again—Allie thought back to her brother’s most recent letters, few and short though they were. She had noticed a slightly different tone to his occasional mentions of his current girlfriend. “I kind of had that feeling, too,” she agreed.

Mom told Nolan how handsome Jason had always been and mentioned that she’d told him all she wanted for Christmas from him was a new photo. “I do hate the thought of him someday having children and me never being able to see them.” Her voice faltered.

Nolan nodded. His compassion had never been more apparent. Allie had seen the fury on his face when she talked about the pressure her mother had been applying on her. No trace of that was in his voice or expression now.

“That would be really hard,” he said. “I don’t have a great relationship with my parents, but I try to get home to Chicago at least once a year anyway. We’re still family.”

“Yes,” Mom said softly. “Family.” She had eaten only about half her croissant and not touched the fruit salad or cookie, but she made a point of glancing at her watch. “Oh, dear. I need to get back to work. Allie, perhaps we can talk another time.”

“At least take the rest of your sandwich. And the cookie,” Allie said, wrapping it in the napkin and holding it out. “You can eat it at your desk.”

There was a glint of what might have been tears in Mom’s eyes. She gave a shaky smile. “Thanks, sweetie. I love you.”

Allie rushed around the table to hug her. “I love you, too. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yes.” Her arms finally loosened. She aimed an uncertain smile past Allie. “Goodbye, Nolan.”

He had politely risen to his feet. “Cheryl.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Allie offered, but her mother shook her head.

“Don’t be silly. Enjoy your lunch while you can.” She slung her purse over her shoulder and walked quickly away. Barely a moment later, the bell rang and the shop was completely silent.

“My timing sucks,” Nolan said with a rueful half smile.

“No, actually your timing is brilliant.” Allie felt like laughing and twirling. “It’s done. I told her. She’s bound to be reproachful later, but the shock will pass. And I think she does like you. Oh, Nolan.” She took the couple of steps necessary to allow her to throw her arms around his neck and rise on tiptoe to kiss him. “You were so nice. You said all the right things.” Her voice thickened. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I didn’t say anything that wasn’t the truth.”

“I’m so relieved.” She did one small spin before collapsing into her chair. The dread that had weighted her down from the moment she called her mother that morning was gone. Or transformed, into this enormous relief and even ebullience.

A trace of amusement showed in Nolan’s very blue eyes. “Saved by the bell, huh?”

“Yes! Mom was just getting really worked up when you got here.” She chuckled. “And then we heard the bell.”

“You needed me, I came.” He grinned. “Didn’t know you needed me, but still.”

“My hero.”

His grin died. “Yeah, about that.”

Allie waited.

“You’re okay today? Not...sorry?” he asked.

“No. I feel...” She frowned a little, doing an inward scan. How am I really? “I said I didn’t know how I’d ever put myself back together. But I think I’ve already made a start. Just being able to tell someone, to acknowledge that I’m Chloe, too, that I was a dancer, and that I’m angry and confused. Lying has been hard...” She stopped. “I’d blocked out the anger for so long, you see. It was Chloe who was angry. Angry and bitter. But it’s not safe for me to be Chloe, so I had to ignore that part of me. Laura was the confused one, but I’m not supposed to acknowledge her existence anymore, either.” She laughed softly at herself. “You’ll think I have a split personality. Um. Maybe I do.”

“No, that’s the whole point, isn’t it?” Nolan captured her hand again. “You were being split apart by external forces. If you can say to yourself, and to me, ‘The name I was called doesn’t matter, I’ve always been myself, I am Chloe and I’m Laura and I’m Allie,’ then you’ll be all right.”

“Yes.” The backs of her eyes burned as she considered the magical notion. “Whole.”

“You are whole.” His smile transformed the rough angles of his face into something considerably sexier. “And you have some customers. Which means I’d better pack up and go.”

She started, not even having heard the bell over the door. Women’s voices carried from the front of the store, though.

Nolan leveled a stern glance at her. “But I’m going to leave some of this food. I want you to promise to eat. Grab a bite when you have a chance.”

“I promise.” Allie bounced to her feet and kissed him again. “Cross my heart.”

Long after he’d left, she carried the memory of his smile with her.

And, yes, she eventually ate every single crumb of the food.

* * *

THE NEXT COUPLE of days were wondrous, fantastic. Allie was in love with a man who loved her. She had another talk with her mother, who still wasn’t happy but seemed resigned.

“At least he’s a nice man,” she said grudgingly. “I always pictured you with a man not so...blue-collar, but I suppose I should be grateful he makes a decent living.”

Allie had only laughed. “Yes, he does, but he’s also a very talented artist. I suspect that, in the not-too-distant future, he’ll concentrate entirely on sculpting. Someday you’ll be able to brag that your son-in-law is Nolan Radek.”

“He hasn’t asked you to marry him yet, has he?”

“No, but he will.”

“I do wish you’d waited,” she fretted. “What if it doesn’t happen, Allie? Then a man who isn’t even part of our family knows a dangerous secret about us.”

Allie felt a small flicker of anxiety, but ignored it. Nolan wasn’t a man to say he loved her and then change his mind.

“I trust him no matter what,” she said.

Her mother sighed. “We don’t have any choice now, do we?” Fortunately, she didn’t say it with any heat.

Friday night, Allie had dinner at Nolan’s, where she also got soundly trounced by Sean at their second game of horse. Her shot was off, but mostly, he’d gotten better.

Triumphant, he dunked the ball in celebration. “Kicked your butt,” he gloated.

Allie gave a very feminine snort. “You won’t be very popular if you don’t learn to be a better winner.”

He grinned at her. “You mean, like saying you were awesome and it was just chance that I had the better day?”

She crossed her arms. “Like that.”

If possible, his smile widened. “But we both know that’s BS, don’t we?”

“Snot.” She flounced toward the porch, where Nolan waited at the top of the steps, one shoulder propped against a roof support. Amusement crinkled the skin at the corners of his eyes.

He looked past her. “You know, son, someday she’s going to make you sorry. Very, very sorry.”

“How’s she going to do that?” Sean didn’t sound impressed.

“She’s a woman. She’ll be creative.”

“Bull.” But faint uncertainty had infused his voice.

Nolan winked at Allie, who smiled back.

“Time will tell,” he remarked, and escorted her into the house for a very passionate kiss that ended only when they heard the thunder of his foster son’s enormous feet on the porch steps.

She teased Sean all through dinner and he teased her right back. His obvious acceptance of her made her feel giddy. Maybe he could love her, too. Maybe soon she’d have a real family again.

Nolan walked her to her car at the end of the evening for another passionate kiss. She’d noticed he hadn’t turned on the porch light when they came out. He took advantage of the deeper night in the shadow of an old lilac to slide one hand up under her shirt and gently knead her breast while his hips rocked against hers.

“Damn,” he muttered. “We could sneak out to the workshop.”

She ached for him enough to give brief consideration to the idea. Finally she sighed. “Sean would see my car still sitting here. He’s not dumb.”

“No. Damn,” Nolan said again. Reluctantly he removed his hand from her breast. “How about dinner tomorrow night? You and me. No Sean.”

“I’ll cook,” Allie agreed. She kissed his jaw. “This was fun tonight.”

“It was, wasn’t it?” His smile was in his voice, even if it went unseen in the dark.

Once she was in her car, he bent down to kiss her one more time, lingeringly, before straightening and slamming the door. As she drove away, she saw him in the rearview mirror watching her go, an unmoving monolith lit only by a half-moon.

At home she got all the way upstairs before realizing she’d left her phone in her car all evening. She went back down to get it. Seeing that she had at least one new message, she dialed voice mail and learned that she had three.

“Allie, where are you?” The voice was so hysterical, it took Allie a second to positively identify it as her mother’s. “I got a call from the U.S. Marshal’s office. Someone’s looking for us and has gotten as far as Tulsa. Allie, I think they’re going to move us again.”