An Act of Persuasion

chapterR NINETEEN



“RIGHT THERE. OH, YEAH. A little harder. No, no, too hard. Oh, yes. Oh, that’s good.”

Ben closed his eyes and tried not to listen to the torture that was the sounds Anna made as he rubbed her back. After her thirty-fourth week of pregnancy they had officially crossed the sex-is-no-longer-fun threshold. Her breasts were too tight and achy, her feet were too swollen and he hadn’t been able to find a right angle to make her come during intercourse.

He had resorted to using his fingers or his mouth to pleasure her. And while he enjoyed it, he’d learned it didn’t give her as intense an orgasm as when he was fully inside of her.

Eventually even those tactics had stopped working and he knew she’d been trying to enjoy the sex for his sake.

The motivation was sweet in a way. But a part of him wondered why she simply hadn’t told him to stop. Anna wasn’t demure about stating her demands. Hell, in the beginning of their relationship she’d been very clear about saying no to sex until she was ready. So to merely lay back and let him have his way, even though she wasn’t getting as much from the experience as he was, really bothered him. She might have continued the ruse, but he’d put an end to it and announced that they were done until after the baby was born.

This was just one of a host of things he didn’t understand about her lately. For the life of him he couldn’t get her to agree to let him move in with her permanently. He’d managed to sneak in much of his closet, his bathroom stuff, his favorite pillow and several of his books that he’d mingled with hers.

He wondered if she was waiting until they had reached this point where sex could no longer be the glue that held them together. Maybe she thought without the sex he’d grow bored and wouldn’t be as interested in staying over every night. Nothing, however, could be further from the truth. In the past two weeks since they had called a halt to their sexual activity, Ben was entirely content to lie down with her at night and rub her back or her shoulders. Anything to bring her a little comfort in a body that was no longer comfortable.

In fact, he loved doing that for her. He just hated the erection he got thanks to the sounds she made—relief was a long way off. Another four weeks or so of pregnancy then another six weeks of healing time—he had already asked the doctor—then the decision to resume sexual activity would be left up to her.

Of course they would have the baby to consider then. They would be up doing feedings. Ben certainly didn’t plan for her to take on all the work. The breast pump he’d purchased would allow her to store her milk so they could divide the night feedings.

Still, he’d heard about the perils of sex after the baby from some of the fathers in the Lamaze class they attended. Fathers who were on their second and third child. Some stories he’d heard referenced months...and months before being invited anywhere near their wives. Those men had appeared very stressed-out to Ben.

“Okay, that’s enough.”

Easing off her side, she rolled toward him. He made room for what they had recently nicknamed The Great Beast—her stomach and their child.

She smiled serenely. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You want me to do your feet?”

“Nah, I’m good. I’m tired. Even sleep is getting hard for me. I can’t seem to get comfortable in any position and then as soon as I do The Great Beast goes ballistic on me.”

“You know we’re going to have to stop calling it that. What if it can hear us and develops a complex? Because it can hear. It says so in all the books. It hears us calling it it, too. Yeah, we’re probably well on our way to screwing the kid up.”

“It will be fine. After all, there was Cousin It in the Addams family and he always seemed very chipper.”

“Excellent. Gertrude if it’s a girl and Cousin It if it’s a boy. Settled.”

“Hardeehar. Hey, here’s shocking news. I need to pee.”

Ben chuckled and watched as Anna rolled off the bed and onto her feet. She reminded him of the girl in the Willy Wonka movie that the Umpa Lumpas had to roll away. He heard her puttering about in the bathroom and he thought this was it. Domestic bliss.

They had really settled into coupledom. He rubbed her back. She made jokes about how often she needed to pee. Their baby was only a few weeks away.

“Anna,” he called out to her.

“Yeah?”

“Why won’t you let me move in with you?”

There was no response and he knew it had been stupid to ask her while she was in the bathroom and he couldn’t see her face. At this very moment she was thinking and retrenching. He should tell her what an amazing operative she would have been—Anna was never without a plan.

She returned and he thought how sweet she looked in the white nightgown that covered her from her neck to her toes. Sweet, but conniving.

And her face looked a little pale. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she said too quickly. “I noticed there was a little spotting...you know...down there. Is there supposed to be spotting? Now?”

“Should we call the doctor?” Ben instantly reached for his cell phone on the nightstand.

“No, it wasn’t like, ah, there’s a lot of blood. It was just a little. I’m sure it’s related to my cervix stretching or whatever. My appointment is tomorrow. I’ll check with her then.”

“I can’t be with you tomorrow. I have that meeting in D.C. We talked about that.”

“I know. It’s fine. Geez, Ben, you’ve been to almost every single doctor’s appointment. You see what they are. I hand over my sample, I get poked and prodded then we’re done. When they start doing the internal stuff I’m not even letting you in the room.”

“Anna, I know what’s down there. I spent the past three months becoming quite familiar with it.”

She had become quite familiar with what he did, too. Was, in fact, eager to have him there. He believed he made her happy in bed. Happy in bed. Happy in life. So what was her problem? It didn’t escape him she still hadn’t answered his question about him moving in.

“It’s not the same,” she said. “Keep your appointment tomorrow. I’ll call if the doctor says there is anything to worry about.”

Ben had already canceled the appointment mentally. It was a communications company looking to use Greg as their human lie detector for an upcoming hostile takeover. Given the antagonism between the two companies Ben had wanted to be in attendance. But, in truth, Greg could handle any squabble that might occur.

“Are you going to answer my question?”

“Huh?”

“Anna.” He felt like growling. “Do not attempt to play dumb with me. Why won’t you let me move in here?”

She smiled and climbed into bed, this time plumping the pillows behind her back. “You know I’ve been thinking about this...”

“Excellent. Although, honestly, I don’t see why it required a lot of thought.”

“I told you, this is a big decision for me. For us.”

Irritation bubbled immediately. “What’s to decide? I’ve been living in this house and sleeping in this bed now for months. We’re talking about moving the rest of my things and putting my house up for sale.”

“Your house up for sale? No, I don’t think you should do that. You might—”

“What?” His temper was slipping away in a manner it never had before. He didn’t lose his temper. Ever. He controlled it. But she was making him crazier every day with her need to keep any sort of distance between them. He shot out of bed and paced in front of her.

“What are you thinking? That when this doesn’t work out, I’ll need some place to go back to?”

She didn’t answer. She didn’t have to.

“What haven’t I done, Anna?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“I mean, what are you waiting for to prove that this is actually happening? We are becoming a family. Don’t I make you happy?”

If it was possible for a woman of her size to curl in on herself, it’s what she did. “You make me very happy.”

“Haven’t I been attentive? Haven’t we connected? We come home to this place together and you put your feet on my lap and I watch you eat more food than I ever thought a human could consume and we laugh and talk. Then we came to this bed and I made love to you and you came. Didn’t you?”

“Of course. Ben, you know I love that...with you. It’s just now—”

“I’m not talking about now—I know that it’s not comfortable, although I’m mad that you didn’t tell me sooner.” He knew he was sounding ridiculous but suddenly the distance she insisted on, his irritations were all there. She was with him. But not all the way. He was holding on to her, but she was still wiggling to get free.

“Okay, let me get this straight. You’re mad at me because I had sex with you.”

“I’m mad at you because you wouldn’t tell me what you wanted when you wanted it. Or in this case when you wanted it to stop. Since when did you decide to be polite...with me?”

“Ben, you’re crazy. Maybe the stress of everything is getting to you.”

He clenched his jaw and made his hands into fists. He felt like there was this dark monster sitting between her and him and he wanted to fight it. He wanted to take it apart with his bare hands. But stubbornness...or whatever her stubbornness was shielding wasn’t an enemy he could take on with his fists.

“It’s not the stress. It’s you. You’re holding back. You think I can’t feel it? You think I wouldn’t know?”

Her face grew even whiter then. “You—you said you didn’t know what love was so how would you know if I’m holding it back. Maybe I’m trying.”

Maybe she was. Maybe this was the most she could give him. Then why suddenly did he need more? It was nonsensical. She was right, maybe he was crazy. He couldn’t seem to shake this feeling that, as close as they’d grown, he was still losing her.

He couldn’t lose her. She had to love him.

“Maybe I don’t know what love is supposed to be but I think this is damn close. Isn’t it close, Anna? I mean, here we are living our lives together, enjoying each other and making plans for this new beautiful life that’s about to join us. Isn’t this what it’s supposed to be about?”

“I wouldn’t know,” she said quietly. “I’ve never had anything like this before. At least nothing that couldn’t be taken away.”

“Is that it? Is that what you’re afraid of? That I’m going to leave you? That I’m going to die? I can’t control that, Anna. That’s the chance you have to take. I had cancer. Right now it’s gone but I don’t know what the hell will happen in five years, or ten. You can’t live your life being afraid.”

“I’m not afraid!”

Her screech was so loud it made her denial ridiculous. He moved toward her then, trying to calm her with his tone. “Listen to me, Anna. We can do this. We can make this work. I’m an open book. Whatever I need to do for you to trust me I’ll do.”

He was close to her now. So close he could reach for her hand, but she yanked it away.

“An open book? Really?”

Her low tone confused him. He felt like a witness who had said the wrong thing on the stand and was about to be cross-examined. Then it occurred to him. The one thing he hadn’t told her. He knew he should have come clean earlier. Knew it was a risk to keep it from her.

Mark. The man was, unfortunately, too good at his job.

“What do you want to know Anna?”

“Why won’t you tell me about my parents?”

Then she didn’t know. Not everything. This was a very careful line he had to walk. Especially given how upset she was.

“What do you think I know and aren’t telling you?”

A harsh laugh escaped her throat. “And doesn’t that answer my question? I gave you that certificate almost four months ago. I’ve seen you take less time to divert an international crisis. You haven’t said a word about it and any time I ask you about it you change the subject.”

“Why is it so important for you to find them? Why are you looking to the past when the future is right in front of you?”

“I told you.” She looked away from him. “Having a family medical history only makes sense.”

“This isn’t about our baby’s DNA. This is about you, Anna. What do you want? What possible outcome could there be to finding out about whoever these people are? These people who left you. The baby is coming. And I’m here. Let us be your family.”

* * *

ANNA COULDN’T RESPOND. The fear inside her was suddenly paralyzing. Her stomach felt tight and her mouth was so dry she thought she could drink a pool filled with water. He was asking too many questions. She didn’t want to think about why finding her parents was important. She didn’t want to say why she was keeping him at bay.

She couldn’t believe he sensed something was wrong. How clever she thought she was going through the motions, thinking he was fine with her level of commitment. She actually started to believe that she could make this arrangement work permanently. He could move in and she could have all the comforts and joy of having him here but still hold a little of herself back. As long as she didn’t give him everything, as long as there was something that was still hers and not his, then it didn’t matter if he left.

Or if in the end he didn’t love her the way she loved him. Or whatever it was that she was afraid of.

But now it was Ben who wanted more. Ben...the guy who wasn’t supposed to know what real love was all about. She’d gone from despairing that he would ever feel the way she wanted him to feel about her, to being content with what he was willing to give her because it meant she didn’t have to give as much to him.

Only now he was changing the game and every instinct she had said to run.

Fast before he catches you.

Except an eight-months-pregnant woman wasn’t running anywhere. Which only left her one other option. She needed him to leave. And to accomplish that she needed to start a fight she could win.

“See? There you go again changing the topic. You think I don’t know you? You think I can’t tell when you’re being purposefully vague. The fact that you have to play that game means one of two things. Either you already have the information I want and you’re withholding it from me for some reason, or you chose not to go looking for it after I asked you to. And what about Mark? Is he in on this? He told me he was working another case, but maybe that’s a lie, too. Maybe you’re working together to hide the truth from me.”

“It’s not a conspiracy, Anna. You’re becoming paranoid.”

Paranoid. Furious. Righteous. Whatever it took to start the fight. “Oh, so this is in my head? You’ve had that birth certificate for four months but you’re telling me you haven’t learned anything? Nothing at all?”

She watched him close his eyes and knew he was deciding how to tell her only what he wanted her to know without actually lying to her.

“I have information, but you’re going through a lot right now. I don’t know if this is the best time...”

He served up that concession like a softball. How easy this fight was going to be. Part of her felt bad because she knew it wasn’t the truth about her parents she was needling him for. It was only the fight she wanted.

She remembered arguing with him the night before taking him to the hospital to have the stem cell transplant. She remembered feeling as though she was fighting for her life as well as his. She remembered with such vivid clarity how her heart felt as if it would burst from her chest when he’d apologized for making love to her.

This was totally different. This time she was in control. This time he was the one who would feel the pain. This time she would be in the driver’s seat. She had a reason now. He’d kept something from her. And he had no defense. It would be her best opportunity. Calmly and with a few moments to gather her poise, she eased off the bed so she could stand face-to-face with him.

If she was going to do this, she should at least be on her feet.

“How dare you? How dare you presume to tell me what I can or cannot know about my parents? My past!”

“Anna, please. I was trying to protect you.”

Of course he was. Because that’s what Ben did. His natural instinct was to shield and protect. He did it because he cared for her. But that caring was too much. So much it was tearing her apart from the inside. She had only one recourse left.

“Protect me? I’ve been on my own since I was six years old. I know how to protect myself. I didn’t need you then and I don’t need you now. You thought we could have a relationship? A committed, serious relationship when all this time you’ve been lying to me? We have nothing.”

She could see he was stunned. Not prepared for the violence of her attack or the anger in her voice.

He held up his hands as if in surrender. “Okay. Okay, if that’s what you want, I’ll tell you everything I know.”

No, that wouldn’t do. She didn’t want his capitulation. Handing over the information was too easy an out for him. Finding out whatever terrible thing he knew about her parents—because he would have tried to shield her from the knowledge only if it was terrible—was nothing compared to holding on to his deception and heavy-handedness as a weapon she could use to drive him away.

“No, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. If you found them, Mark will find them. I’ll get what I need from him. You need to leave now.”

“Anna...”

Pain. Real pain. She’d hurt him with her last jab and she could see it in his face. He would learn to live with it. She’d been let go of and abandoned all her life. Eventually a person becomes numb to the agony and the questions. You had to in order to survive. Then a person learned to let go first.

“I’m serious. I can’t deal with this. With you.”

“Please, let’s talk about this. I didn’t mean to hurt you or upset you. You’ve been very emotional—”

“Really? Let’s recap. I’m paranoid. I need to be protected. I can’t handle the truth about my past. I’m emotional.” She counted the items on her fingers. “Who the hell do you think you are? I asked you for help. I wanted you to tell me where I came from. Who I was. And you know but you won’t tell me because you think you know what’s better for me? Screw you.”

“Anna—”

“Are you going to get out or does this have to get ugly? I mean it. I’m eight months pregnant and I don’t think I can handle this kind of stress.”

The perfect thrust. He would feel it right through his chest. Because he couldn’t stay and fight with her knowing that he might put her or the baby at any risk. He had no choice now. He had to leave. She’d done it.

“Please don’t do this. Please.”

The trick was not to feel anything. That was the problem. In these past few months he had made her feel too much. What she needed was control over her emotions. Ben would appreciate that. He was a man who understood control.

“I’ll text you if there is any information you need to know after my appointment tomorrow. Then after a few days and we’ve calmed down, we can talk about the plan for the birth. Then discuss custody options for after it’s born.”

He swallowed. “We shouldn’t call it it.”

He walked into the closet. A few moments later he emerged wearing jeans, a T-shirt and a pair of old sneakers she’d told him needed to be replaced even though he liked the way they fit his feet. Such a wifely thing, she thought, to care about the condition of the sneakers he wore. Yes, ending this relationship now was the right thing. She hadn’t realized how close she’d been to completely succumbing.

He grabbed his cell phone from the nightstand and stuffed it in his pocket. He didn’t look at her. He simply left without saying another word.

She watched him walk out of the bedroom and waited until she heard the sound of the downstairs door closing. The front door of the house he bought for her because he wanted to make sure if he died, she always had a home of her own.

That’s who she had pushed away. That’s who she’d forced out of her home. Because she hadn’t known until this very moment that she couldn’t cope with all of the things he wanted to give her.

A husband. A baby. A family. A life.

Her body started to shake and she reached out for the bed. Sitting on the edge she concentrated on taking slow, deep breaths and tried to gain control of her body.

You’ll be okay. You’ll be okay.

The words came to her and she thought about what she’d survived before and how much more capable of surviving she was now. Weren’t those the exact words she’d thought when she was six, lost in a room with people all around her, bumping into her, not seeing her? Knowing instinctively that the person she needed most was gone.

After a few breaths the spots before her eyes faded and she decided it was safe to stand. She wouldn’t risk hurting herself or the baby and, as unsteady as she felt, she knew she had to be extra cautious.

But she needed a glass of water. Her mouth was beyond dry. Then she would try to sleep. Tomorrow would be soon enough to think about what she’d done and start the process of denying to herself why she had done it.

When she stood she felt a warm stickiness between her legs. Turning, she saw the stain of fresh blood on the mint-green duvet she and Ben had picked out together.

Panic immediately surfaced. What was happening? Was she in labor? But she didn’t hurt. Did her water break? Was that supposed to be bloody? She didn’t think so. And it was too soon. Only thirty-six weeks. She wasn’t ready.

Mentally digging deep she locked down the panic and started thinking logically. There was blood, not amniotic fluid. She was not in pain and it was too soon for labor. Something was wrong. Phone.

There was no phone upstairs. Either she or Ben always had a cell phone with them. Ben was gone. She’d sent him away. He’d taken the phone with him. Her phone was downstairs.

Thoughts started to coalesce.

Downstairs. Phone. 911.

Downstairs. Phone. 911.

It became a mantra. When she took a step forward, she could feel more blood rush. She couldn’t do this. The baby would fall out. Something was happening and it was coming too early. She couldn’t move. She needed to stay still.

Ben!

No. Ben was gone. She’d pushed him away.

Think. Downstairs. Phone. 911.

Wadding up the nightgown between her legs, she tried to press them together and walk at the same time. She reached the top of the stairs and stopped. She felt dizzy and wouldn’t risk walking down them until she knew she was under some control mentally.

This happened every time you gave blood at the hospital when Ben was getting his chemo treatment. Heck, you get dizzy on day two of your period if you don’t drink enough orange juice. There’s not that much blood. There’s not that much blood.

She could do this. It would be okay. She would get to the hospital and they could put her on bed rest and give her juice and then she would be fine and the baby would be fine.

The sound of the front door slamming startled her.

“This is horseshit! I don’t care what you say. I’m not leaving you. I’m never leaving you. We are going to figure this out so you better accept that and— Anna. Oh, my God!”

He came back. She’d pushed him away but then he came back. That was good. Because she really needed him right now.

How silly she’d been. Of course, he wouldn’t leave her. Ben would never leave her.

It was the last thing she thought before she fainted.