“Look, I don’t think –“
“Don’t say it,” Callum warned, his voice trembling as he fought back tears. “Don’t you dare say it. I’m doing this for one reason and one only – she needs it. She told me she wanted to get better, she said it was for Jack.” The name stuck in his throat, as did the idea, but they were Ally’s words, not his. “And then Pavlovic pulled the rug out from under her and all hell broke loose. Well this is ‘getting better’ – this is as good as it gets for her. The health benefits are huge. Read it – see? And not just physically, but psychologically too.”
“I can see that,” Tom said, as Callum barreled ahead.
“I’m tired of waiting for the counseling to make a difference. We’re losing her Tom, we need to do something and we need to do it now, before it’s too late.”
“I agree. But don’t go to the bank for that money, let me pay for half the total,” Tom insisted, taking his glasses off and laying them down on the table in front of him. “I want to help too. That way, you’re not totally tapped out and you don’t have a bank loan hanging over your head.”
“Wow,” Callum exhaled loudly. “Wow. Okay. Thanks.”
“Did you really think I’d veto this? I know she needs something and maybe this is it. Who knows, but we sure as hell have to try,” Tom mumbled, leaning back in his chair and staring at the paperwork in front of him again. “I do have a couple of concerns, though.”
“What?”
“Firstly, this program – it’s a long way from home. I’m not sure she’ll agree to be away for so long. Second – well, do you think she’ll let us pay for it? Do you think she’ll even want to do this, with the way she’s been lately?”
The questions were the same ones Callum had been asking himself. “I know it’s a long way from home, that’s why I’m gonna go with her. It’ll be just like when she was in rehab.”
“And how are you gonna manage that?”
“I’ll talk to them at work, see if I can take a leave of absence. If not… well, I guess I’ll have to quit. I’m not leaving her alone all the way out there – not after what happened. If she goes, I go too.”
Tom regarded him carefully over the table and Callum prepared himself for the onslaught. But to his surprise, it never came.
“That’s a big commitment you’re making. You’re putting your life on hold.”
“My life’s been on hold since the accident. This is as much a part of her recovery as rehab was.”
“You’re a good man.” Emotion heavily overlaid the words. “She’s lucky to have you in her corner.”
“Same goes for you.”
Tom picked up the brochure again, scrutinising it. “You’re right. This could change everything.”
CHAPTER 17
“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’”
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The pain in Jack’s soul had reached saturation point. Sitting at Ally’s kitchen table earlier, sharing a quiet coffee among awkward small-talk, Callum and Maggie desperately trying to lighten the mood, all he could think about was how close he had come to losing her.
She couldn’t even bring herself to look at him. He wanted to take her in his arms again but he had the feeling that it was all too little, too late.
When she excused herself from the table, he made his escape. He didn’t remember getting into his car and driving away. When he finally stepped back to reality, he was driving the streets aimlessly, with no real sense of what to do or where to go. He just wanted it all to stop.
The look of utter despair on Ally’s face refused to leave him. It was real this time, not the imagined scenarios he had conjured up to torture himself with over the years. This was far worse. He recalled with vivid clarity the way she looked as she lay in the ICU that night, the fluorescent light above her bed bathing her in that peculiar eerie glow. It didn’t feel like four years ago. It felt like it was happening right now, all over again and the pain was just as intense now as it had been then.
It was perfectly clear to him now why Callum was riding him so hard. He was right, about everything. He had a lousy track record, and Ally had already fought her way back from the brink once. What was his role in her suicide attempt? She didn’t spell it out for him in so many words, but his mind went there anyway. Was it his fault, because he wasn’t here? It didn’t matter. Either way, he was guilty as hell.
He pulled in to the almost deserted parking lot outside the cemetery. He had no idea why he was here but the hidden fingers of grief reached towards him from beyond the cemetery gates, and he realised that it made sense, somehow. He was grieving – for Ally, for his father, for the lost friendships and the part of his life and himself he would never get back.