She had fallen through the stages of grief the same way you fell in a dream. Slowly, desperately clawing at your surroundings as you tried to stop the descent. First came the denial, then the anger, the bargaining and the depression. When everything else had gone – when the acceptance should have come, but didn’t – the hope was all that remained. And now that had gone, too.
Overwhelmed by a sense of finality that numbed her emotions, she balanced with one palm flat against the floor, reaching over for her chair with the other. Dragging it closer to her, the wheels squeaked gently against the floorboards. She transferred up into the chair and sat there, watching her bare feet resting on the floor.
She thought about what she was about to do. Her stomach contracted, as if her body was trying to protect itself somehow, one last-ditch attempt to change her mind. Sweeping the guilt aside, she lifted her legs up and nestled her feet into the footrest.
Screw everyone else – this was her wish. It was her life, after all. She was tired of putting on a brave face, tired of being conscious of everyone else’s feelings – tired of putting them before her own. She had been selfless for long enough. Now it was her turn.
She released the brake, glancing down at the canvas. She stared at it, the hollow black eyes staring back at her. For the first time, she saw it for what it was.
A reflection of her soul.
As they reminisced, Jack felt as if she had reopened the book of his life and only good memories came pouring out, washing away the pain, if only temporarily. He felt whole again.
These past few years, because everything seemed to hurt so much, he had shut out memories like these, only allowing himself to wallow occasionally, the pain of what he had lost too great. Now, buffeted by Ally’s smiling face across the table from him, he felt as if a little piece of him had been regained. A sense of fullness and warmth enveloped him as he pushed all the negative, self-loathing thoughts aside and concentrated on living in the moment.
He excused himself to get another round and she handed her empty bottle to him, their fingertips touching. Goosebumps crawled up his arm and he smiled down at her. She smiled back shyly and he almost floated to the bar.
Leaning against it, he pushed the empties across and waited his turn. This time, he didn’t really care that at least half a dozen pairs of eyes were trained on him. Dave was nowhere to be seen. Curious stares didn’t even register. He glanced over towards Ally, but her attention was focused on something across the room. His inner smile faded when he realised she was watching the dance-floor. Several couples and a few large groups were dancing, along with one guy who looked like he had already had more than his fair share tonight.
“Same again?” Harry asked.
Jack nodded and turned back to the bar. He watched Harry dispose of the empty bottles and grab another two beers. Money changed hands.
“Thanks,” Jack said, taking the bottles as Harry moved further down the bar to serve other patrons.
Ally was still enthralled by the dance-floor. He stood at the bar, watching her. What must it be like for her, knowing she couldn’t get up there with them? He remembered a time when she used to kick her shoes off and climb up on the table with Maggie and Jane, the three of them shaking their booties till someone dragged them down again. He remembered being that someone on more than one occasion, throwing her over his shoulder amid much laughter. The sadness, the intense longing he saw even from this distance, shredded his insides. Slowly, he made his way back to her through the crowd.
She glanced up as he put the bottles down on the table between them and slid into the booth.
“You looked miles away, just then,” he said before he could stop himself.
“Did I?”
She smiled, but he could tell she wasn’t really there. He felt as if he had interrupted something. He turned his attention back to the dance-floor, mostly to give her some time to compose herself. The drunken guy he had spotted earlier threw himself into a group of revelers before being promptly shoved aside. He lost his balance and careened into a table, sending the occupants scattering.
He smiled in spite of himself and turned back to Ally. “I think someone’s night is about to come to an abrupt end.”
She nodded, the tight smile still in place.
“Are you okay?” he asked cautiously, fully aware of the tightrope he was walking.
She didn’t answer immediately, taking a slow sip from the bottle in front of her. “Yeah, I’m fine. There are just times when I… ”
She glanced towards the dance-floor, frowning as if she was making a decision that might change the course of history. He waited patiently, but it became clear she wasn’t going to continue.
“Do you miss it?”
Idiot!
Why couldn’t he manage the simple task of keeping his foot out of his mouth?
“I miss a lot of things.”
The answer may have been casual, but the look in her eyes was the complete opposite. He kicked himself mentally again. He didn’t know if she meant for him to see that pain, but he had. Now he felt like an intruder, a voyeur. Worse still, he couldn’t pretend he hadn’t seen it.
“No one’s ever come straight out and asked me that before.”