A Summer to Remember

chapter Eight

I began at the beginning and felt a little bit like Dolores Claiborne from the famous novel by Stephen King. There was a lot of talk of romance and how we started out as a dream come true. How he would drive down from Yale in New Haven to see me every weekend. We were in love—at least I thought we were—and he was such a gentleman.

My parents loved him and thought he was the best invention since sliced bread. He came from a solid family and we were both mad about one another. It didn’t matter if we attended schools that were almost eighty miles apart. We could make it work because it was only for four years.

“It was near the end of the final semester and we were all graduating in about seven weeks. I hadn’t been feeling very well and with Talia’s urging, we finally decided to visit the clinic on campus.” I stopped there and breathed deeply. “It didn’t take long for the nurse to run some tests and find out I was almost nine weeks pregnant. I should have known since I hadn’t had a period in ages but I just thought it was more about graduation nerves and finals coming up. I was on the pill so I didn’t understand how this could be happening…to me.”

Paul slid an arm around my shoulder and squeezed me closer to him. “Let me guess: when Kevin found out, he went batshit.”

I nodded my head silently. “He acted like a crazy person and accused me of trying to trap him into a marriage he didn’t want. He wanted to play the field and he’d only been out of college for two years. He wanted to live it up in New York and he certainly wasn’t ready for a shotgun wedding or a baby he didn’t need in his life because they both would be an imposition.”

“So, he made you get an abortion?”

“It was the only way,” I whispered. “I would have rather given the child up for adoption because there are plenty of childless families out there looking for white babies but…he wouldn’t hear of it. I had to have an abortion and that was final.”

“But you couldn’t do it through your parents’ health plan because then they would have known…” he trailed off.

“Exactly, so he gathered up the cash and sent me to one of those public clinics where the Pro-Lifers always boycott. I have never been so humiliated in my life and the only support I had was Talia. She was my rock and without her, I could have never gone through with it.

“Anyway, I got the abortion and everything seemed fine until one night I started to hemorrhage. Mind you, by this time, I’d been bleeding and spotting for over two weeks and the doctor and nurses at the clinic assured me this was normal and I’d be fine. I couldn’t go to the hospital because then they would have asked me about the abortion so I just dealt with all the pain and the discomfort.

“The night I started bleeding profusely, Talia called the paramedics and I was rushed to the hospital. Apparently, I wasn’t in good shape because they immediately prepped me for surgery and…it turned out a mistake was made during the initial termination procedure. I had to have an emergency surgery to correct what the abortion doctor botched and although they were able to save one of my ovaries, the chances of me having…natural children…are slim to none.”

Paul kissed my forehead. “Surely you saw specialists once you graduated university and settled here?”

“Every expensive and overpriced one on the West side. Hell, I even consulted some acupuncturist who specializes in women who have a hard time getting pregnant and he said the chances are small but…I might have a baby of my own. All the others said flat out to start freezing my eggs and when my future husband I were ready, they knew some great surrogates who had worked for patients of theirs in the past with a great success rate.”

“Please don’t tell me you froze any eggs?”

I wiped a stray tear from my left eye before I looked at him. “Are you mad? I couldn’t do that. I decided just to take my chances and life would decide on its own. I know it’s a stupid way to think but to be honest, marriage no longer was a high priority. I knew my parents would start to bother me after a while so I began to date a lot but it always led to sex and that was my way of pushing men away. I didn’t want a man to care about me and then have to tell him the heartbreaking truth. I’m a beautiful shell and that is all I am.”

Paul looked into my eyes and said out loud, “That isn’t true—”

“I’m not normal anymore, Paul!” I exclaimed as I stood and turned to face him in a position where I at least had height on my side since he still sat on my bed. “If I find some great guy then I have to go through my humiliating past in college and I don’t want to have to do that. I guess I could lie and eventually maybe he would get the hint and suggest surrogacy but I don’t want another woman having my biological children, Paul.

“If the situation comes down to that then I would rather adopt and I can do that on my own. I would be another Charlize Theron, Sandra Bullock or Michelle Pfeiffer. There are plenty of neglected children right here in the good ole U.S. of A. and they are just begging for a good home. I don’t care if it seems trendy or politically correct but when the time comes, I’ll want a child and I don’t care what color he or she is…I will just want to protect them and love them and I won’t do a wait list.

“Most men aren’t that open minded. They would want to do surrogacy so we could have a child of our own and I have faced the possibility I might be on my own for the rest of my life. That’s okay with me. I know you think I am just talking crap but I have been through a lot in my twenty-four years and I’m not willing to compromise for anyone…not even for you.”

Paul stood and placed his arms around my waist. Now he had the height advantage and he looked down at me before he said, “Who said anything about compromising, Jerrica? I love you for you and yes, children are great but…they don’t have to be biologically ours to be ours—you know what I mean? If you want a Rainbow Coalition of children then fine, I’ll turn into Brad Pitt and we can adopt a child from here and one from Mexico and one from Cambodia…it doesn’t matter to me because I…want…you.”

I began to sob and before I could stop myself, his shirt was drenched in my tears. “That is so very sweet of you and you know how much I care about you but what do you plan to do about Ashley?”

He kissed my cheek this time. “I know you care about me, Jerri, and that’s sweet, really. But do you love me?”

That wasn’t a hard question to answer because of course I loved him. We’d been family friends for years and he was my brother’s best friend so how could emotions not grow over time? However, I knew exactly what he meant. He wanted proof I loved him in more than just a “friendly family” way and that was true too. I couldn’t deny it.

I was tired of lying to everyone and I was sick of deceiving myself. I wanted Paul so much, my heart ached and yes, I did love him as more than just a friend. I loved him the way two people meet and develop feelings over time and fell in love. This would be the hardest decision I would probably ever have to make but I couldn’t not say what needed to be said.

“Listen, I understand if you don’t and obviously, your silence speaks volumes. Perhaps I have misjudged you all this time and you were just looking for yet another warm body for the night—”

“Don’t say that, Paul, and don’t sully our relationship with ploys of cheap sex,” I interrupted suddenly. “I love you…I always have. I have been in love with you for a long time, even while I was dating Kevin at Vassar. I knew he wasn’t the one for me but I also knew what my brother would do to the both of us if we…admitted our feelings for one another. I buried mine…so deep, I didn’t think I would ever find them but I did. They came out in Southampton and every time I see you with Ashley. I don’t want you to be with her but at the same time, is it really my place to make you choose?”

“It’s not about what’s fair or right, Jerrica, it’s about feeling and emotions—neither of which we can control at this time in our lives. I love you so much, it hurts sometimes and I am willing to deal with Jude and what he has to say about us but I have to know you’ll back me one hundred percent.”

I kissed his lips ever so softly and responded, “You know I will.”

July

New York City & Martha’s Vineyard