A Life More Complete

---Chapter 38---

I awake on Monday morning feeling like I never slept. I try to ignore how dead I feel inside as I climb onto the treadmill. An hour later I step off without recalling my legs ever moving. I continue to move through the rest of my morning routine with the same trepidation and slow, somber movements. My memory nearly wiped clean with the exception of the dull ache that numbs my entire body. The only memory left is so bold and defined like I am living it over and over every time my eyes close. I can picture Tyler’s hands all over her body and all the insecurities within me boil over. I’m not enough. I’ll never be and I can’t help but think that maybe I’ve reached my breaking point. Maizey said I would know; yet nothing about this seems final. The finality that I thought would light up the sky like the Fourth of July isn’t there.

I show up at work on time but looking disheveled and the exhaustion is written all over my face. The dark circles unable to be covered no matter how much concealer I cake on my face and my swollen, bloodshot eyes give me away. I can chalk it up to pregnancy while at work, but the truth will come out eventually. I can’t hide from it forever.

My phone buzzes and the secretly deluded part of me hopes it is Tyler.

Bob: Call me when you get a chance. Just wanted to see how you’re doing. XOXO

I’d spent the better part of Sunday crying on Bob’s shoulder and eating cookie dough even though he reminded me countless times of the risk of Salmonella. Depression and precarious situations usually caused my appetite to run screaming for the hills, luckily for the baby and me it remained intact this time. Bob went on too many craving runs to count. Tacos from the little joint on the beach, along with guacamole and chips, later turning to strawberry spinach salad with balsamic vinegar and eventually ending the night with apples and peanut butter.

“Why can’t you be my husband?” I whined. “You’re perfect.”

“No I’m not. You just think I am because you love me. It’s hard to see people’s flaws when you love them. Take Tyler for instance, right?”

“Don’t say his name. I just threw up in my mouth,” I said deflecting my hurt with humor.

“What are you going to do? Do you think he’s actually cheating?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know,” repeating myself in hopes it will hit me out of the blue. “I haven’t even talked to him since he shit all over our future. Great bombshell to drop when this kid is gonna be here in a few weeks.”

“I know this really sucks and it doesn’t matter what I say, but don’t you think it’s over?”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Probably isn’t certain.”

I walk into the office and past Maggie without even so much as a greeting. If I’m trying to keep my personal problems separate from my professional life I’m doing a piss poor job. I stall out a few feet after the reception desk and say, “ Good morning, Maggie.”

“Good morning, Kristin. You okay?” she asks with genuine concern.

“Yeah, Maggie. Just tired.” It wasn’t a lie. I am tired, just not the way I mean it to be perceived.

Just seconds after finding refuge in my office Melinda comes in. I roll my eyes, not because I don’t want to see her but because I can’t rehash it one more time.

“You talk to Tyler yet?” she asks and I can feel the stomach acid rise up in my throat.

“No,” I reply, grabbing a granola bar from my desk drawer. Hoping food will keep the urge to vomit at bay.

“Do you think he’s cheating?”

“I don’t know. Bob asked me the same thing. That depends on your definition of cheating, I guess. Were his hands all over her body? Yes. Did he kiss her? Yes. Do I think he’s sleeping with someone else, I don’t know? But it sure looked like it.”

“Did you get a good look at her?”

The back of her perfectly coiffed trendy haircut is burned into my mind. “I didn’t see her face. Just the back of her. Her and her perfectly tiny ass. It’s no wonder he cheated, mine’s the size of a f*cking Buick,” I rant, sounding like I’m feeling sorry for myself.

“Bullshit. You look amazing and I’m not just saying that. If Tyler wasn’t such a dick he’d recognize that, too. Maybe it’s better not knowing. I’m not sure I could keep myself sane if I knew.”

“Agreed. Wanna get lunch today? Why not pack on a few more pounds?”

“Sure. But this the last compliment I’m giving you, you look great. From behind you’d never know you’re pregnant. Now suck it up, fatty,” she says with a smile on her face.

“Thanks, Mel.”

Immediately following Melinda’s departure Ellie pops in and asks to speak to me. What is with these work folks and their incessant badgering? Don’t they know I need to update my Facebook status and creep on other people’s pages followed by a lengthy internal debate about whether I want tacos or Chinese food for lunch? It’s mind-numbingly perfect. But of course my distraction techniques will only get me so far in forgetting the gripping depression that seeps in whenever I stop thinking of anything else.

Ellie’s face is stone serious when she asks me to meet her in her office. Great. I’m sure I effed something up, but what else is new. I quickly rifle through my brain to figure exactly what I did. Any half-assed work lately? Nope. Any unanswered emails? Not that I can recall. Any recent public humiliation? Besides my own, none. I give up. I tag along behind her following her into her spacious and perfectly organized office. Ellie shuffles through a stack of paperwork on her desk before she pulls out a manila envelope from the bottom of the pile.

“This came to me this morning,” she says. Hardly listening, all I can think is, Geez. That’s a lot of crap on your desk. Something that came this morning was already buried under mounds of papers. Her job really does suck.

“What is it?” I ask annoyed with her guessing game tactic. She holds the envelope out and I take it from her hand. The seal has been broken and the front is addressed to Ellie Regan P.R c/o Ellie Regan. I pull from the envelope a stack of papers and before I can even look my heart skips a beat and my palms grow sweaty. The only thought that pops into my head is divorce papers. Tyler is leaving me and because he is such an a*shole he had me served at work. When I flip the papers over and take them in I should think myself lucky if they were divorce papers. They’re far worse. Divorce would look like kittens prancing through a meadow. This looks like kittens being taken down by volcanic lava.

I can’t speak. Everything in my body goes numb as I fall into the chair in front of Ellie’s desk. I flip through the large, grainy pictures, but I know exactly who the people are. I don’t need to focus on them or squint. The blonde from the party. His arms around her. Her head resting against his chest. Leaving a hotel room. His lips on hers. I begin to feel dizzy, the room spins and I steady myself with the arms of the chair. I feel physically ill. I can’t even conjure up the tears that should be looming.

“He’s cheating on you,” Ellie says. I’d like to say I’m shocked, but how can I be? The proof is right in front of me. I saw it Saturday night and now this just solidifies it. I’m caught off guard by hearing the words spoken out loud.

“Who else knows about this?” I ask going immediately into damage control mode.

“Right now just me and the photographer,” she says. “But it’s about to go public.” She looks down at her desk and back up at me. I can tell there’s more that she has yet to share.

“What is it, Ellie,” I demand. “There’s more. I know there is.” I look down at the last picture after her eyes indicate that I’ve missed something. There it is as plain as day and when I see it the pain hits me hard. I lunge for Ellie’s garbage can and vomit violently. “I’m sorry,” I say wiping my mouth with a tissue. “I’m mortified. I can’t believe this is happening.”

“You’re mortified?” she asks, her voice filled with disbelief. “He’s the one who should be mortified. How dare he!” she whisper-shouts to avoid drawing attention. “I hope you kick him out. You need to kick him out,” she says this time with more force. “No self-respecting woman puts up with cheating.”

“I...I...I don’t know what to do, Ellie.” It wasn’t that I didn’t want him gone. I just can’t even wrap my head around what is happening and the public humiliation that looms ever closer. I look down at the picture once more and my pain recedes only to be replaced by a blind fury.

“Kristin?” Ellie asks as she can obviously see my demeanor change so suddenly.

“She f*cked with the wrong person Ellie. I’ve put up with enough shit. It ends now.” I storm out of Ellie’s office with her hot on my heels.

“Kristin, please don’t do anything rash. I know you’re angry, but he’s just as much at fault as she is.”

I stop suddenly and Ellie nearly slams into me. “She’s going to pay for this. I can’t believe I was this blind. She called me her friend.” By now the entire office is half-staring, half-fake working as Ellie and I go all domestic just shy of the reception desk.

“Seriously, remember you are an employee of this company...” I interrupt Ellie before she can continue with her sermon on the ethics of professional conduct.

“Oh, f*ck off, Ellie!” I scream as I step into the elevator.

“He’s a piece of shit, too,” she yells with a small smile on her face. “You deserve better!” is the last thing I hear come out of her mouth as the elevator doors close.