A Life More Complete

---Chapter 35---

Just like everything in my life, the happiness fades quickly. I find myself at the end of September rather quickly. I’m lying on the exam table for my ultrasound with my BlackBerry in hand waiting for Tyler to call or at least to give some indication as to why he is late. But nothing and the annoyance on the tech’s face is blatantly obvious.

“I’m sorry, but I have other appointments. I can’t wait much longer,” she says trying to mask her aggravation.

I quickly glance at the time. A half an hour has passed since my appointment time. “No, please don’t be sorry. I apologize. Please start.” I can hear the humiliation in my voice and I fight back the tears.

The screen comes to life and the tech tucks a paper napkin into the front of my pants before splattering my belly with warm gel. She smears the gel around with the paddle before beginning. Her tone is less annoyed when she asks me if I want to know the sex of the baby.

“No. I’d like it to be a surprise,” I say, yet part of me feels I need a small amount of news that would cheer me up but I stick with my original plan.

She flips a switch and there in front of me is my baby. My little nugget is floating around content and sucking his or her thumb.

“There’s your baby,” she says with a small smile on her face. I was able to hear my baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler starting at eight weeks, but nothing compares to being able to see this life I created come alive on a screen. I felt Nugget move for the first time around fifteen weeks and it’s something I long to feel throughout my day. It’s like a small surprise that makes me stop and smile no matter where I am or what I’m doing. This whole process has been surreal, yet eye opening. I can’t even fathom that there are people, including my mother, who didn’t feel an instant connection to the life that was growing inside of them.

As the tech goes through the usual procedural measurements and pictures, I’m mesmerized. As much as I wish that Tyler had gotten his shit together to be here with me I know he’d have ruined this moment.

The tech prints me a series of pictures labeled with small arrows indicating body parts and cute little phrases. I thank her and rush back to the office to share my pictures with Melinda.

Things with Melinda have gotten better. Not normal, but better. It’s nearly impossible to avoid someone for an extended period of time when they’re always around. Showing up at work and having to see her made the forgiveness simpler. Saying good morning, talking to clients at meetings, attending functions together helped break the ice and eventually I forgave her for her temporary bout with dementia. That’s what she called it. But she did admit it was based more on her need to find someone of substance. She opened up to me one night after a work dinner.

“I only attract the cream of the crop,” she said. “The best of the worst is more like it. Losers who want to have sex and run. For a long time that’s what I wanted, but I really want something more.”

“You’ll find it. Don’t rush it. Trust me, it can turn ugly real fast.”

“It’s hard not to rush, but I think the bigger problem lies in the fact that no one dates the girl who lives off her father’s money. Who wants to marry that girl? I don’t even pay my own rent. Imagine admitting that to a guy you’re dating. Talk about an immediate bail.”

“Then stop,” I say, knowing it’s easier said than done.

“I wish I could. I’m not like you. This has always been my life. I’m so far from independent. You know I went on a couple of dates with that guy, Noah, the bartender. It was going really well and then I bailed on him. Snuck out of his house after his damn oscillating fan stood mocking me in the corner of the room. It was like it was saying that I wasn’t even good enough for a bartender.”

“You’re too hard on yourself. It’ll happen. Be patient.”

I understand what drives Melinda, which is what led me to forgive her. There was a time when I was so desperate to be connected to someone. I let it take control and it really didn’t matter who it was. Her need to be close to someone isn’t all that uncommon. I’ve been there and not much has changed now.

I barrel through her office door and find her grinning. Perfect white teeth in a Farah Fawcett style smile waiting for me.

“Let me see them!” she shouts from her desk chair. I toss the pictures at her. “Tell me you found out the sex. I’m dying. No self control whatsoever!”

I’m beaming from ear to ear fueled even more by her enthusiasm. “Nope. Sorry sister, you’re just gonna have to wait. Baby will still be known as Nugget.”

She shakes her head at me. Sliding the pictures through her fingers she squeals when she comes across the one of Nugget doing the thumb sucking.

“Did Tyler show up?” she asks full well knowing the answer.

“No.”

“A*shole,” she mutters, rolling her eyes.

“No, really it’s fine. He would’ve just ruined the moment anyway. His interest in the whole thing is practically zero. Who am I kidding, it is zero.”

“Why do you let him off so easily? You hold everyone in your life to impeccably high standards including yourself, but for some reason he gets to slip by without any accountability for his actions? It doesn’t make any sense.” She takes a deep breath and I know she isn’t finished with her on-going rant. All I can do is nod in response. I’m weak, but the sad thing is, I’m not. I’m only weak when it comes to Tyler.

I won’t say anything to him when he comes home tonight. Confrontation is hard. Going into this I know I have every right to question his whereabouts, yet during the course of this hypothetical argument I’m having in my head I begin to question my reasoning. Just thinking about it makes me anxious and I silently tap my fingers. This is what he does to me in a way that no one else can.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” she asks sounding irritated which is justified. “Just leave him already. It’s obvious you’re going to be doing this alone even if you are still married. If you’re worried about the money he can’t get out of that part regardless. Child support. Divorce him and then sue his ass for the thirty percent you’re allowed by state law. Can you imagine what thirty percent of his salary is? You’d probably be able to live on just that. I know I could if I were as cheap as you are.”

“I’m not cheap. I’m frugal. Not everyone needs sixty pairs of thousand dollar shoes. Not that I’m complaining about your spending habits. The hand me downs are awesome.”

“Sixty pairs? You’re underestimating. It’s more like six hundred. I’m trying to cut back. Maybe you could give me some tips?” she jokes. Her office phone rings and she raises her perfectly sculpted eyebrows in response. “Strange, that sucker never rings. You’re standing here, so I know it’s not you.” I shrug my shoulders in response as she answers. “Melinda Roberts,” she says in her sweetest tone. “Oh, hey Noah.” Her eyes widen in surprise and her mouth drops open a little. I blow her a quick kiss and back out of her office closing the door behind me.

I scroll through my emails and send a few quick responses as Ellie walks into my office.

“Kristin,” she says in her authoritative tone.

“Yeah, Ellie,” I respond back without turning from my computer screen. Even Ellie and all her bossiness will not ruin my high.

“I need the minutes from the production and advertising meeting this morning. Please use the outline format that was sent in the high importance email last week. You know which one that is, correct?”

“Yes, Ellie.” As much as Ellie had softened toward me she could still be incredibly annoying.

“I wasn’t sure since it seemed to have slipped your mind to respond as requested. Whatever. Just make sure they’re on my desk by the end of the day. I need three copies and email me the file, too.”

“Sure, no problem.” Sometimes it’s easier to just go along with her routine of bitchy, demanding boss than it is to argue with her over the tone she uses.

Just as she is stepping out of my office she says, “Oh yeah, I’m leaving at three today, so don’t think you can come running in at five and drop them on my desk.”

“You’re leaving at three?” The tone in my voice is a little too obvious. I’m shocked. “Yes. That’s what I said. Don’t sound so appalled.”

“You never leave early. Anything going on?” I ask trying not to sound like I’m snooping, but that’s exactly what I’m doing. Gossip on Ellie is like finding a Bigfoot in the mountains of Montana.

“How would you know what I do? Do you track my every move?” She is far too crabby to press the issue.

“Don’t be mean Ellie, I was just curious.”

She calms slightly, “Meeting with a client. Just trying to keep a story from blowing up. Really nothing exciting.”

“You want some help? I’ve got nothing going on.”

“No. Just want those minutes and the longer I stand here talking to you the less likely you will get them done. And really, if I know you, you won’t start working on them until two thirty because you’ll have been too busy playing FarmVille or talking to Bob or eating red velvet cupcakes or my personal favorite, posting Facebook statuses about your,” she pauses and uses her fingers to quote the last part, “‘sucky ass’ job.”

I close my eyes and pray that she leaves my office now. I’m that transparent and now I know she likes me because I should have been canned for my references to my “sucky ass” job that now have a digital footprint.

“Just a reminder, it’s a work issued computer. I’m like the Wizard of Oz. All knowing.” I watch her leave my office, her red ponytail swishing along as she walks.

“Sorry,” I yell.

“No you’re not,” she yells back. True, totally true.

Ellie left early almost every day that week, unusual, yes but I tried not to pry, although everyone in the office secretly came up with their own theories on where she could possibly be. My favorite one is that she has a family that no one knows about, which I guess isn’t all that far-fetched. She is a wholly private person, so that theory doesn’t seem entirely out of the realm of possibility. I preferred to see her having some kind of clandestine, risqué affair with an older, handsome gentleman. A man that possibly drives a Bentley and is the C.E.O. and founder of some fortune 500 company. He whisks her away on his private jet to exotic locales and buys her lavish gifts and makes her feel wonderful. Yep, I’ve given that much thought to my boss leaving early. My life does really suck. But in the end everybody has secrets, so I let hers rest with her.