All I can do is stare at him. Hate myself for once more being blind.
“You disapprove of how I deal with my pain. But see, at least I let it out. I’ve found ways to cope. J never has. J internalizes everything because he’s been taught that if he doesn’t, there will be hell to pay. He keeps it together for you because he knows you think, of all of us, he’s the stable one we can all count on.” Kellan drops back against the bed and stares at the ceiling. “Did you know that, for years, he was the one who took care of all of us? When Astrid and our uncle were at work and Hannah was self-absorbed, and the Old Man wasn’t giving two shits if we lived or died, J was the one who made sure everything was okay. Can you imagine a little kid doing that? Making sure his aunt had a lunch to eat and that his pathetic excuse for a father did, too, and his brother never had to worry about anything, because he would always be there to take the fall for him?”
I ... I ...
“So, yes. My heart has been fucking obliterated by you this year. I’m doing my best to deal with it, just like I promised you I would. And yes, the truth is, right now, I would like nothing more than to crawl back to whatever hellhole bar I was in before Enlilkian found you and get hammered. But guess what? I can’t. I won’t. Because I love you and I love my brother, and I refuse to watch him neglect himself like he always does just because he wants to make sure everyone else is taken care of.”
That stings on so many levels. “Kellan—”
“I know you take care of him. I’m glad for it.” His head rolls away from me to face the wall. “But it doesn’t help me knowing that, in its quest to get to you, Enlilkian has no qualms in destroying my brother, either. I’ve seen what losing one Connection can do to a person. But losing two?” Harsh laughter escapes him. “Yeah, no thanks. So I’m just saying, I know this isn’t ideal, but I’m not leaving. Not when there’s too much at stake right now. Jonah isn’t going to walk this road alone right now, okay? Just ... go back to your room, Chloe. Shut the door behind you.”
It takes all my willpower, but I do exactly as he asks even though my heart crumples inside my chest.
“I need to do something about the pain.”
Jonah lays the reports he’s been reading down on his chest and turns toward me. He’s clearly confused, because he asks, “You’re in pain?”
We’re in bed; it’s late, but sleep eludes us both. I’ve spent the better part of the last hour or so going over first what Kellan has just revealed to me, and when Jonah shut me down from even attempting to discuss it, I switched my focus to reliving every last detail of what happened with Enlilkian on that roof. “No,” I assure him. And then, more worriedly, “I thought you said you could feel me?”
“I can, which is why I guess I’m confused by what you’re talking about?”
I roll on my side and face him. He is not alone, not matter what Kellan says. Jonah doesn’t have to do anything alone. I am here with him, and I am not going anywhere. “Enlilkian is able to subdue me because he’s figured out I can’t will anything when I’m in too much pain.”
The papers are shoved off to the side as he sits up in bed. “What?”
I also sit up, crossing my legs and facing him. “My craft doesn’t work when I can’t think clearly.” Frustration itches me everywhere. “When I’m in a lot of pain, it’s impossible to think straight. I can’t form the right words in my head to set my will into action.”
He’s horrified by this.
“You know how when I get really upset, things tend to go haywire, like they’re out of my control?” Even with him, it’s embarrassing to think about. “Or, even blissfully happy. Strong emotions overwhelm me to the point I can’t control my craft, Jonah. And it scares me to think that Enlilkian’s figured this out. He knows if he overwhelms me, he can do whatever he likes because I simply can’t counter him effectively.”
I watch him take a deep breath and wrestle with the words I’ve said.
“I need to learn how to deal with pain effectively.” I pause. “Can you shut off all my pain sensors for me?”
He jerks back, like I’ve slapped him. “No.”
“No, you can’t? Or no, you won’t.”
“I won’t. Pain is necessary sometimes, Chloe. What if I shut off your ability to feel pain, and something in your body happens that we’re not aware of?”
“Then it will be a good thing I won’t feel it, right?”
“Are you serious?” He shakes his head. “No, Chloe. Pain is the body’s way to let us know something is wrong. I’m not talking paper cuts and stubbed toes, love. I’m talking about hearts or kidneys failing. Falling and breaking something. If I took away your pain, you wouldn’t know about the injury until possibly too late.”
“I’m twenty,” I scoff.
“Plenty of bodies fail at twenty.”