“And I watched him just try to get on your last nerve by complaining about everything from kids to work to the state of the lawns in the neighborhood or how unhappy he was, just in general. You had twice as much to do and you hardly ever complained.”
Anna smiled. She’d only waited thirty years to have a little appreciation from Jessie. “I used to tell your father there was an antidote to unhappiness. It’s called gratitude. If you’re busy giving thanks for what you have it’s very hard to think of what’s not quite good enough.”
“Hmm. I guess you’ve said that to me before...”
“Probably.”
“I’m going to give up men,” Jessie said.
Anna’s eyes grew wide and she mockingly looked around. “It must be working. There hasn’t been a man in sight around here, except your brother.”
“I’m serious. I’ve been trying to get a man since sixth grade and none stick. I quit.”
“Jessie, you’ve had a lot of boyfriends!” Anna argued.
“That’s right, when all I ever wanted was one good one! The new Jessie is a single woman who answers to no one!”
Anna laughed. “I thought you never did!”
“I was faking it. This time it’s going to be on purpose. They always dump me. I must be impossible as a girlfriend, so I’m going to quit being that.”
Anna hugged her close. “Whatever you want. You will always have me. For as long as I last.”
“Tell me what’s going on with Jenn?” Anna asked Mike.
It was just the two of them, sitting at the kitchen table with coffee on a Sunday morning. And for once Jessie and Bess were not around.
“Well, all my feelings were flat,” Mike said. “I had been struggling with losing Dad and I thought there was no room in my head or my heart for Jenn. So I suggested we break it off—at least for a while. Biggest mistake I ever made.”
“But why?” Anna asked.
“I just wasn’t feeling in love anymore,” he said. “I wasn’t feeling anything except the grief of losing someone I loved. So when I tried to pick up the pieces, Jenn was mad and not very forgiving. She’s still mad.”
“What exactly is she mad about?”
“She said I’m immature. That I don’t have the determination to stick around when things get tough. Now that I look back, I see her point. But I was suddenly afraid I’d never be as great a father and husband as my dad. And now I find out my dad wasn’t that great.”
“Oh, Michael...”
“Well, he did some pretty awful things we never knew about.”
“He did some pretty human things,” Anna said. “Don’t get the idea I think what he did was okay, but there’s hardly a person alive who is without flaws. Your dad needed a lot of love and support. More than I did, when you get down to it. You’re a lot like him.”
“That would have been a compliment six months ago,” Michael said.
“It’s still a compliment,” she said. “He was a good man who did good things. He was a good father, except he may have failed Amy. What’s most important to me is that you don’t make some of the same bad choices.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like thinking you have to be filled with feelings of being in love all the damn time. No one is in love every minute. But once we make a commitment we stick around, and when those days aren’t perfect, act like they are. Show your partner love and respect, anyway. Worry about her for once. It’s not all about you and your special little feelings.”
“Is that what Dad did?”
“Look, ninety percent of the time he was a loving, giving, supportive guy. But ten percent of the time he was not in love and he moped around like he was walking to the gallows, looking for someone to make him feel better. Someone to prop him up and rescue him. No one wants that job. Jenn was telling you that she was glad to be patient and kind and help you through your grief if she could, but if you’re just going to abandon her when times get hard, who signs up for that?”
“I didn’t really mean—”
“Yes, you really meant that,” she said. “Your feelings were a little off so you thought if you abandoned her, you’d somehow get it together. But it didn’t work. It takes compromise and sacrifice to make a partnership work. From both people, not just the girl.”
“Is that what I did?”
“Sounds like it. Michael, sometimes a good partner puts his needs and desires last, making sure to nurture his woman’s needs and desires. And you know what? I bet you’d feel better faster.”
“I might be too late,” he said. “And now I’m screwed because I really do love her.”
“Then find a way to throw yourself on her mercy. Apologize. Tell her you lost your head and made a mistake. And while you’re at it, promise you won’t do that again and mean it. You know there’s a real trick to making a good relationship last.”
“What’s that?”
“Keep your promises,” she said. “And stay. Never run out. Stay.”
FIFTEEN
Jessie went into the city alone. She stopped by her practice to check in with the staff. Her assistant, Heather, hugged her. “You look so well rested!” Heather exclaimed.
“I don’t know how that’s possible. I’ve been even busier than as a working physician!”
“How’s your mom doing?”
“She’s doing great actually. There was no paralysis. But of course she isn’t driving yet. She’s still in PT, to which I drive her, and uses a walker about half the time because she can get unsteady. Her neurologist is monitoring her, and until he’s convinced she’s stable, she’s going to be a passenger. Her clerk is bringing some work to the house, slowly building up the amount of time she puts in, but honestly, you’d never know she had a close call. Her memory is back to as good as ever, though she has no memory at all of the stroke, the ambulance, the thirty-six or so hours that her brain was scrambled in ICU. And she looks better than ever. Probably from the extra rest, though the fatigue irritates her.”
“And how are you doing? Because you look great,” Heather said.
“I have a million things to keep up with. My younger sister has been with us the last couple of weeks while attending some group therapy but she’s planning on going back to her apartment in Berkeley this week. She has a boyfriend and it cramps their style to have the constant crowd of family around. But he’s so nice and so crazy about her, not the least intimidated by her rather unique personality. So I’ve been getting both my mom and my sister to doctors’ appointments, running errands, cooking, shopping, everything necessary to keep my mom from doing too much too soon. She’s still napping so much. I’d say I should do that for a couple more weeks and hope to come back to work. Part-time at first, just so I’m available. I’m going to continue to stay with my mom for a while, until I’m convinced she doesn’t have a health risk.”
“Isn’t the only risk a second stroke?” Heather asked.
“Yes, and with the blood thinners and blood pressure medicine, I want to be sure she doesn’t have any side effects or other issues before I leave her on her own. The TPA worked like a miracle, but if she’d been alone...” She grimaced and shook her head. “It could have been a tragedy.”
“Well, we really miss you around here.”
“That’s nice to hear,” she said. And she thought that, strangely enough, she kind of missed being around.
She said hello to the partners, the other physicians if they were in the office, and repeated nearly all the same conversations. Then she dashed across town to Dr. Norton’s office. She could have taken her session virtually, but was going to be in the city, anyway, and really looked forward to seeing Dr. Norton in person.
She waited in his office and he came in, his glasses on his nose, that warm smile on his lips, a folder of papers in his hand. He beamed when he saw her sitting at the table. “Look at you! Your mother must be doing so well—you look fantastic.”
“A woman never gets tired of hearing that,” she said, grinning at him.
“What’s going on?”
She went through the litany of chores and responsibilities she shouldered every day and mentioned that she had just visited the staff at her office, promising them she’d be back part-time in just a couple of weeks.
“How do you feel about that?”
“I think I’m actually looking forward to it. Maybe part-time is the answer for me. I know I don’t dread it and that surprises me more than you!” And she laughed. “There have been a few developments since I talked to you last. On the most significant side, my mom revealed to us that we have a sibling we’ve never met. She told us the story when we were all together.” And Jessie relayed the details to her counselor.
“How interesting,” he said. “Were you surprised?”
“Oh, shocked, really. We all were. No one had a clue, including my mom. But my mom met the girl, woman now, and her husband and baby, and despite the fact that it must have stunned her, she got to know them and thinks a lot of them. I plan to meet them all as soon as I can. I’ll phone first or something. Make a date. But shame on my dad for having that secret all those years.”