“Is that where I got it?” Michael grumbled.
“I say this from experience, Michael. It’s easier in the long run not to do things for which you have to beg for forgiveness.”
“And I bet infidelity is a real game changer,” Jessie said. “How’d you manage to forgive him?”
“Instead of deciding whether or not I could forgive him, I worked on strengthening myself. I worked on my own confidence, which was sadly lacking. I went to law school. I worked on me. I thought it was my only choice because I couldn’t support myself and two children on a secretary’s salary and at that time in our young lives your father didn’t earn enough to support two households. At the time we stayed together because it was the most practical thing to do. Over the years I realized how hard your dad was trying to make amends and how much time and energy he was putting into being a good father. Eventually I got tired of being angry and was too busy to spend my energy that way. It took a lot of self-talk but I traded my anger for gratitude.”
“And you fell in love again?” Jessie asked.
“More importantly, I grew to like my husband. To respect him. His blunder might have been a big one, but at the end of the day, he came through for us.”
“I think you came through, too,” Jessie said very softly.
“Thank you, Jess. That’s so kind of you to say.”
“Can you tell us about this woman? Amy?”
She began to tell them what she knew, almost all limited to Amy lately—that she was married to a doctor, worked as a nurse practitioner, had been very close to her mother and was now a new mother herself. “How ironic that Amy’s situation and mine are so similar. Grandma Blanche was involved with a man who turned out to be married and she chose to have and raise me alone. Just like Amy’s mom.”
“It sounds as if you like her,” Michael said, and he had a bit of a bitter tone when he said it.
“As a matter of fact, I do. I haven’t seen her in a while but I did call her and tell her about the stroke and how overwhelmed I’ve been since it happened. But yes, I like her. And the baby is precious. But there’s no reason you have to make a unanimous decision about whether or not you want to know her. It’s perfectly acceptable for you to each make your own choice. As for that money—”
“It’s not about the money,” Jessie said.
“I don’t want her money,” Michael said.
“How much money?” Bess asked.
Anna laughed. The kids were so different in disposition but she had grown to really appreciate each of them. “The same amount as each of you, Bess. Can I just give my opinion about that? Amy told me that your father...her father...contributed to her education when she was in college. He did so without drawing any attention to himself but her mother later told her he had helped. In what amount, I have no idea. But he helped with school. I’m so happy to know that—it was his obligation, in my mind. And he left her a little something. I’m happy about that, as well.”
“You’re not jealous?” Jessie asked.
“I went through that stage thirty years ago. Now I’m just glad he did the right thing. Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to write down Amy’s number for each of you. Take your time in thinking about contacting her and it’s all right if you don’t. When I speak to her next, I’ll tell her you’re informed and she may hear from any one of you.” They all nodded, looking around the table and making eye contact with each other. “Good, then let’s kill this pizza,” Anna said.
Later that night, Anna was sitting in her bed with her TV on and a book in her lap when Jessie tapped lightly at the door. Anna called for her to come in and was secretly glad for the company. She’d been thinking about calling Joe but she’d rather not. She feared she was using Joe as some kind of crutch or distraction, and holding him at arm’s length was so exhausting. She really wanted to collapse into his arms and feel the ease and comfort of having a treasured friend, a new lover, care about her.
“You’re still up?” Jessie asked.
“It’s not that late,” Anna said. “What’s keeping you awake?”
“The idea that my father was a scoundrel,” she said. “What he did!”
Anna put an arm around the daughter who was taller than her, pulling her close. They both leaned back against the pillows. “He was a fallible human being, that’s all. As we all are. And his mistake was one of the most common. I was very disappointed. I wanted his love for me to outweigh all temptation, but apparently that wasn’t the case.”
“It really pisses me off,” Jessie said.
“I know,” she said. “But it’s not our burden to carry and I think he paid for it in guilt and regret.”
“Michael is furious about it,” Jessie said. “Why is he so furious? He usually runs away from conflict and won’t argue for anything.”
“That’s easy,” Anna said. “Michael is afraid he’s exactly like his dad. That was a good thing when he thought of Chad as perfect, though he had some trouble with that, worried that he couldn’t live up to his dad’s excellent reputation. Michael was a college grad, teacher, coach, while Chad had a PhD and was a pretty well-known therapist. Confronting his dad’s imperfections—that would be hard for the son who worshipped him.”
“I thought he was pretty perfect, too,” Jessie admitted. “It kills me to think of what he did to you. You were just a young woman! Your heart must have been broken!”
“Sure,” Anna said. “Jess, my heart’s been broken a hundred times. That’s the thing about life.”
“Who broke your heart, Mama?” she asked, sounding like such a little girl.
Anna chuckled. “Going back to the fifth grade, Jennifer Cranston and her gang of six made fun of me and bullied me every day and I was reduced to tears so often my teacher thought I had the worst case of hay fever she’d ever seen. A couple of those mean girls moved away and it just faded into nothing. Then in the way life has of giving us breaks now and then, Jennifer came to me looking for a lawyer when she had no money to speak of and needed help because her husband was leaving her and screwing her out of alimony and child support.”
“It must have given you some satisfaction to tell her to take a hike,” Jessie said.
“Nah, I helped her. Got her set up pretty decently, too. But the way of the world is that some things never change, some good deeds never go unpunished. She was ungrateful and kind of snotty about it. But I made a deal with myself a long time ago—I’m not going to let the bad behavior of others turn me into a bad person. I have to look at myself in the mirror every morning.”
“You’ve always been the brave one,” Jessie said.
“Me? Oh, hell, Jessie, most of the time I’m worried about everything. But I learned how to look like I’ve got it handled. You’ll never win a case in court if it’s obvious you’re in doubt. You don’t get to sit on the bench if you’re quivering in your boots.”
“And you like it on that bench!” Jessie said.
“Honestly, it wasn’t something I even dared hope for. I’m not about to give it up just because it scares me.”
“Are you worried now?” she asked.
“I don’t know if you remember this, the judge who vacated the seat in Superior Court had a stroke. A bad one. He’s been wheelchair dependent ever since. He’s never going to fully recover. He’s almost ninety, but still...”
“Oh, Mom,” she said, snuggling closer.
“Incentive to get better. Better than ever, if I can. I’m not going down without a fight.”
Jessie put her head on Anna’s shoulder. “I think I’ve taken you for granted. I’m so proud of you.”
“And I was just thinking the same thing about you.”
“I need to apologize for something. I need your forgiveness if you can.” She sat up straight so she could look in her mother’s eyes. “I always made you the bad guy.”
“Did you?”
She nodded. “I accused you of nagging Daddy, of always telling him what to do. You were always in his business.”
“That’s true. I did nag. Not all the time, but I was guilty of it. The thing about nagging is that it’s not nagging if you ask a person once. It only becomes nagging when you’re asking for the fortieth time. Your dad had a tendency to ignore me. Not just saying no, or sorry I’m too busy. Ignore. Then asking again and again becomes nagging. I was guilty of that, sure.”
“And you were not the bad guy.”
“Well, thank you, sweetheart.”