Apparently the knowledge impacted Disco in the same way. Instead of resentment or possessiveness, his posture radiated the devastation and shock he felt. He and Paine had been close for years, sharing a bond even I didn’t fully understand. They’d been in a war together, died together, and were reborn together. I’d often thought their connection was probably as strong—if not stronger—than the one I shared with my foster sister. Blood didn’t mean shit. Emotional ties brought people together.
“Don’t make big decisions because you’re upset.” Disco’s voice broke midway through the sentence, revealing how shaken he was by the thought of Paine leaving. “The last few weeks have been difficult for all of us.”
“This isn’t a decision that was made lightly. I’ve actually had plenty of time to think this over.”
“And you’re just telling us now? Perfect timing on your part.” Disco moved his feet from side to side—the motion so fast it was hard to tell he was moving at all—something I’d discovered he did when he was nervous.
“He decided to leave weeks ago.” Maybe it was wrong of me to reveal what I knew, but I’d made a promise to Paine in the future—of finding some way to make things work between us—that I intended to keep.
“You told her before you talked to me?” Disco asked Paine in disbelief.
Paine narrowed his eyes, staring at me. “I didn’t tell anyone.”
“He told me in the future,” I informed Disco in a soft whisper, not wanting to resent him for the damage he’d caused weeks before. “Take a minute to sort through the memories you stole from me. It’s there.” I didn’t dare look at Paine when I added, “You said you intended to leave before I went missing. Staying close to me was too difficult for you.”
“Why am I not surprised you didn’t mention this to me?” Paine’s laugh was bitter. “You can tell me about the sex we shared that I don’t remember, but you won’t discuss anything as it pertains to the present. Wouldn’t want to make Gabriel uncomfortable now, would you?”
“It’s not that simple.” Jesus, I sounded lame. It’s not that simple?
Well, duh, dumbass.
Two men wanted me in the same way, and I loved each of them, but I had no idea what to do about it. I’d promised Paine things would be different between us but so far only our friendship had changed. We’d become closer to each other, as intimate as two people in a platonic relationship could be. But Paine didn’t want platonic. He wanted so much more. And I didn’t think I could give him that. Not with the way I felt for his best friend.
“What would you have me do? Hand her over to you? Walk out of her life? That’s what I offered you earlier—even though it killed me to do it—but you refused. Do I have to keep breathing for the deal to carry more weight? Is that it?” Disco asked, his usually deep baritone laced with an emotion I couldn’t name. “Is that the price I’d be expected to pay in order for you to stay? My lifelong misery in exchange for yours?”
It was Paine’s turn to be surprised. “I would never want that.”
“Then what do you want?”
I directed my attention to Disco as he spoke. He refused to look at me, his focus entirely on Paine.
“We don’t need to discuss this now.” Paine started to backtrack, his panic evident.
“Then you shouldn’t have brought it up,” Disco countered. “Answer me.”
“I want...” Paine swallowed, lowering his head. “Something that will never happen.” So much pain in five words. “Something I can never have.”
The three of us stood quietly, waiting for someone to speak up, when another knock at the door interrupted us. Marius didn’t wait to be invited inside, walking into the bedroom like he owned the place.
He does own the place, I reminded myself, biting back a snarky remark. Goading Marius wasn’t smart when Disco and Paine were at an impasse and the night had only just begun. Marius didn’t bother closing the door, leaving it wide open. If any of the family was nearby they’d hear every word of our conversation.
“My patience is extremely thin and yet you’re stupid enough to test me,” he remarked casually. “Ethan told you that Anton is joining us this evening. Why aren’t you ready to leave?”