24
We checked into the most expensive hotel I could think of. In her emotional state, I think my mother had pressed a few more bills than she intended into my hand, but I had no qualms about spending them. I was spent. I wanted to sleep the night in two-hundred-dollar sheets and order way overpriced room service and bathe in a tub so big I could swim in it. I wanted to indulge my every whim. So that’s what we did.
Lucas kept talking about the size of my parents’ house. I hadn’t really told him how wealthy they were, mainly due to my mother’s practice. He acted impressed, but I think he really just wanted to take my mind off of Emily.
“How many bathrooms are there, again?” he asked as we dug into our room service meal. He’d ordered a fancy burger and I’d ordered filet mignon, which came with a baked potato that was carved in the shape of a rose and carrot slivers woven into a basket.
“Four,” I replied, “one for each of us. And of course they each have their own attendant. Mine is named Pierre.”
Lucas swallowed and wiped his mouth. “Don’t ever tell your parents I share a bathroom with twenty other guys, okay?” he said.
“I was kidding about the attendants,” I said, though I was pretty sure he already knew it. “My parents aren’t snobs. Em and I used to say…”
I stared down at my food, my appetite disappearing. This has happened several times already. Just the thought of Emily brought the conversation to a screeching halt.
Lucas set the metal cover on top of my plate. “Let’s watch some TV,” he said gently, taking me by the hand and leading me over to the gigantic bed.
We snuggled up together, leaning back against the pillows and switched on the flat screen, which took up the better part of the wall. Lucas began swiftly clicking through the channels, but, naturally, every station was showing the same thing. Of course, I should have known. I was the one who’d been through all of this before. The country had been waiting six years for a new story about the Kindergarten Killer. My life would be the top story for months to come.
“I’ll turn it off,” Lucas said, but I stilled his hand.
“No, leave it,” I said. I’d been hiding from the news for so long, averting my eyes from the headlines, depriving myself of music to avoid hearing the top story update at the end of the hour on the radio. It was a stupid way to live, and I’d resolved to stop letting Brandon’s actions make me do stupid things. “It’s about me, isn’t it? We might as well hear what they’re saying.”
There she was, Leslie Wong, looking exactly the same as she had when I was thirteen, her shoulder-length hair perfectly coiffed, the teeth perfectly straight. To me, the sound of her voice was like nails being dragged down a chalkboard, but I tried to remind myself that it wasn’t Leslie’s fault that she’d joined the news team the year my life went to hell. As the camera zoomed out I realized Leslie was standing on University Avenue, the fluttering yellow police tape behind her cordoning off the pathway between Ontario and Grant Halls.
“Isn’t that your apartment building?” Lucas said. We both leaned toward the TV as Leslie’s voice-over played against footage of my building.
“This apartment complex is where victim Katie Archer had been living a quiet life at school until the Kindergarten Killer, now known as Brandon Tomko, came back into her life and tried to take it a second time. Though Katie and her family have been following their ‘no comment’ rule established six years ago, her friends were quick to comment about the character of the girl we all knew as ‘the babysitter.’”
The face of Pompous Guy from my art class filled the screen and I quickly reached forward and muted the TV before we could hear whatever nonsense he was telling the world about me. I’d never had a conversation with him in my life.
Lucas was still gaping at the television like he couldn’t believe his eyes. I remembered that feeling. As a seasoned victim of the media, I shot right into action. Grabbing my phone—which I now saw had thirty-seven recorded voicemails—I left a quick message on Mariella’s machine apologizing for disappearing without filling her in and telling her I was fine and not to talk to any reporters. I sent similar texts to Em’s friends, though I was pretty sure they’d all gone home by now. It was lucky the semester was over. The journalists would be hard-pressed to find someone to give them a sound bite about me, which explained how they’d landed on Pompous Guy.
“You should call any friends who you know are still on campus,” I said to Lucas as I scanned through my insanely long list of missed calls. Where exactly had the journalists gotten my number? “If they’re talking to random people from our class, they know we’re together. I hope you’re ready for the spotlight.”
“Don’t think that,” Lucas said, pulling the phone out of my hand and tossing it across the bed.
“Hey!” I cried. “What? Think what?”
He turned off the TV and then tugged me onto his lap. I hooked my legs around his waist and laid my head against his chest, marveling at how perfectly we fit together in this position. Though my head was full of racing thoughts, I wasn’t too preoccupied to notice that certain very sensitive parts of our bodies were touching, causing a little flame to ignite in my center, its heat rolling through my body.
“You’re thinking that I’m probably having second thoughts about you now that our relationship is going to be broadcast to the world,” he said into my ear. That was pretty much what I had been thinking, though now my thoughts had wandered to other things. “But don’t think that. I don’t care about any of it. I just want to be with you. Okay?”
“Okay,” I said weakly. He ran his hands up and down my back. He was trying to be comforting, I knew. I was sure he had no idea the reaction my body was having to his touch. It was as though a growling animal had been awakened inside of me, and she wanted to be fed.
“Why don’t I run you a bath,” Lucas said, delicately kissing my cheeks and pulling out of my arms.
I flung myself back on the bed as I heard him turn on the water in the bathroom. Maybe a bath would do me good, help me clear my head and focus on what was important instead of the sex-crazed thoughts that had invaded my mind as if from nowhere. Or maybe all that hot, sudsy water would only inflame my burgeoning libido. I groaned softly to myself as I pulled my hair up into a bun.
Get control of yourself, Archer, I commanded. You are not a sex monster.
Except this was a whole new world and a whole new Katie Archer, wasn’t it? Who the hell knew what I was.
Lucas gave me another one of those frustratingly chaste kisses before leaving me alone in the bathroom to undress. I wanted to ask him to stay with me, to get into the bath with me, to do ungodly things to me with his insanely chiseled body, but instead I let him go. I had to get a grip on myself. Getting my freak on on the same day I broke my sister’s heart was way inappropriate. Besides, my body had just been through a terrible ordeal. I needed time to recover, no matter what my loins were telling me.
I took of my clothes and stood in front of the mirror as I peeled the bandages off of my face. Mom was right; they were starting to scab. I could probably leave the bandages off tomorrow.
As I gazed at my ravaged face, the blue-green bruises on my upper lip and chin, the dark red wounds in the center of either cheek, I realized that this face was mine alone now. I would never look exactly like my sister again. Brandon had taken my twin from me forever.
With this sobering thought circling my brain, I stepped into the bathtub and lowered myself into the steaming water. I was right—the tub was almost big enough to swim in. Closing my eyes, I let my thoughts run over everything that had happened yesterday and today, but it was as though I were watching a movie about someone else’s life. Maybe in time I’d fully understand what had happened to me and what was left of me now that it was done, but tonight it seemed easier to let my mind go blank. Everything I had to worry about could wait until tomorrow. Tonight I just had to let it all go.
Just around the time the water was beginning to cool, Lucas knocked on the door. “I was thinking of taking a shower,” he said.
There was a stand-up shower in the bathroom next to the tub. I noticed with appreciation that its walls were made entirely of glass. When the door to the bathroom didn’t open, I realized he was waiting for me to say something.
“Go ahead,” I answered casually, biting at my bottom lip.
Lucas came into the room in his boxers looking mildly bashful, which was amusing since he’d been sleeping next to me in just his boxers all week. But there was a difference between seeing Lucas in his boxers in a dim bedroom and seeing Lucas in his boxers in a bright bathroom, knowing he was about to take those boxers off. I tried not to drool at the thought.
He looked over at me and I didn’t miss the way his eyes lingered on the water in the place where my breasts were submerged. The bubbles were mostly gone now, but the tub was so deep that I was still completely covered. I noticed him shake his head abruptly, as though trying to banish something from his thoughts. Then he grabbed a towel from the back of the door.
“All right, no peeking, Hero,” he said as he placed his thumb on the elastic waistband of his boxers, giving me an admonishing look.
“As you wish,” I said. With a smirk, I closed my eyes. It was only fair, since he’d let me get undressed in private. But it was also pretty ridiculous, given that the shower stall was transparent.
When I heard the shower turn on and the door click closed, I figured it was safe to risk a peek and tentatively opened one eye. Then I snapped both eyes wide open and stared, my body flushing so completely and so quickly I was surprised the water in the tub didn’t start to boil.
Lucas was standing in the stall with his back to me, letting the water pour over his body. And what a body it was. True, I’d seen him naked before, for about a split-second that day in my apartment. I’d never before had the chance to really look at his body and admire the tight muscles, the broad shoulders, the tight, sculpted ass. I kept blinking, sure what I was seeing couldn’t be real.
How does he do it? I wondered to myself. He doesn’t even go to the gym!
Then he took the soap in his hand and started rubbing it over his torso, and suddenly the bathwater was sloshing onto the floor as I got to my feet in a rush.
To hell with letting myself recover. Lucas couldn’t possibly be expected to wash that whole body all by himself, and the shower stall was more than big enough for two.
With a wicked grin I stepped out of the bathtub, nearly slipping on the waterlogged tiles, and pulled open the shower stall door.
Blinking in the spray, it took Lucas a second or two to take me in, standing utterly nude before him. Then I watched his eyes turn dark as they wandered down my body. I was surprised to find I didn’t feel afraid or even nervous. I knew what I wanted, and he was right in front of me. As I smiled and stepped into the shower, Lucas dropped the soap. It clattered around our feet as I closed the distance between us and pressed my skin against his.
“I bet you thought this was my plan all along,” he said as I ran my hands over his chest, and then farther down to that place I’d never touched.
“Nope,” I replied, my lips against his cheek, “I’m pretty sure this idea is all mine. But it’s a good one, don’t you think?” My fingers closed over him, making him gasp and grip me against him.
“Oh God, yes,” he said, and then his lips met mine.
His skin was gloriously slippery and after a few minutes under the spray mine was, too. I luxuriated in the feeling of my breasts slipping against his chest and his hands running through my hair and over my back, then dipping downward to cup my ass, pressing me into him in delightful ways. Snatching up the bar of soap, I started lathering his chest, but quickly lost the bar to Lucas.
“I don’t think that bath got you clean enough,” he teased as he lathered up his hands then let them slide over my breasts. I arched into him automatically, crushing his lips with mine, my tongue probing into his warm mouth suggestively. “I see we’re in agreement,” he said against my lips.
“Oh, I agree, I agree, I agree,” I said as his sudsy hands made their way across my stomach and then farther down, causing me to let out a low moan of pleasure.
When I copied his gesture, letting both my hands slip along the length of him, he pressed me back against the wall, his every muscle tensed. He groaned loudly as I did the same thing again, more slowly this time. He began to lavish his appreciation on my neck in such a way that for a second I was literally seeing stars.
“Maybe we should take this to the bed,” I gasped, and Lucas nodded mutely before picking me up right then and there and stepping out onto the tile.
I giggled. “But maybe we should rinse off all the soap first,” I reminded him.
“Oh, right,” he said with a laugh, setting me back on my feet and shaking his head. “I can’t think straight when you’re naked,” he said into my ear as we let the water wash over us. “I think you’ll have to be in charge of all major decisions for the rest of the night.”
“Does that mean I get to decide where you put your hands?” I said, taking both of his palms and pressing them to my butt. “Or your mouth?”
I gently pressed down on his shoulders until he was crouching slightly in front of me, his lips grazing my nipple. It wasn’t a position he could hold for long, so as soon as we were properly rinsed of soap we stepped out of the shower stall and he lifted me onto the counter, which placed me at just the right height. He continued nuzzling my hypersensitive skin for an eternity before finally taking my nipple in his mouth, and I actually screamed at the sudden release of tension. Slapping a hand over my mouth, I stared down at him, my cheeks burning with embarrassment, but the sound of my scream only seemed to invigorate him. His hands gripped my hips as he continued what he was doing, turning now to the other breast. Water dripped off of us both, creating a pool beneath us as I gripped his shoulders and leaned my head back, my body trembling under his touch.
Eventually I began to shiver, even in the steamy bathroom, so Lucas wrapped a towel around us both and we tripped out of the bathroom, aiming for the bed. I thought maybe we should dry off properly so we wouldn’t make the bed all wet, but Lucas had other ideas. Flinging himself onto the mattress, he tugged me on top of him so that I was upright straddling his waist, my knees pressing into the mattress on either side of his hips. This wasn’t something we’d ever tried before and I felt suddenly self-conscious with my breasts on full display while he was mostly covered up. I let my hair fall forward, covering my nipples, but he pushed it out of the way. I frowned at him and made an unhappy sound, folding my arms to hide myself instead.
“You’re beautiful, Katie,” he said, gently pulling my arms away and then brushing his thumbs over my breasts, sending flutters of feeling through my body. “Don’t cover yourself, not in front of me.”
“Beautiful…” I said, my hands moving to the wounds on my cheeks. It was so easy to forget about them. After all, I wasn’t the one who had to see them, unless I was looking in a mirror. But Lucas would have to see my ruined face whenever he looked at me. Did he see me differently now? Was it just my body he wanted, or was it all of me? Was I a disappointment and he just didn’t want to say so?
I found I couldn’t remove my hands from my cheeks, but Lucas didn’t make me. Hoisting himself up into a sitting position with me still straddling his lap, he placed delicate kisses over my fingers and my lips until my hands fell away of their own accord. He kept on kissing, one kiss for every single cut and bruise. “I don’t even see it,” he whispered. “Nothing that happens to your body could ever make you less beautiful to me. Nothing.”
I wrapped my arms around this surprising and thoughtful and romantic and amazing, amazing boy and wondered how on earth I’d managed to find one as perfect as him, almost by accident.
“Maybe so, but there are still too many light on,” I said shyly, and he got up to turn off most of the lamps, giving me another chance to ogle his lovely body.
Still, my limbs protested as soon as he let me go, my arms aching for him. Only when our heads were side by side on the pillow and his arms were around me once again did I feel right. That’s what it was. This felt right. It felt good. It had been so long since I’d felt right in my own body and mind that I almost didn’t recognize the feeling.
His hand was running up and down my hip lazily, his eyes roaming over my face. Every few seconds he leaned forward and kissed my lips. I felt so relaxed I was worried I might fall asleep, and that was definitely not what I wanted. Not tonight.
“I want you, Lucas,” I said, keeping my eyes on his.
“Mmmhmm,” he said. “Me, too.”
Yeah, he clearly wasn’t getting what I meant.
“No,” I said, easing myself against him so that we were hip to hip. “I mean I want you, right now.” His sleepy eyes flew open and his hand stilled on my hip, his fingers digging into the fleshy skin. I leaned in and took his mouth with mine, claiming every inch of it, my tongue slipping against his as he pressed me back against the pillows, making a tortured sound deep in his throat.
“You’re making it impossible to resist you,” Lucas panted. “I mean, I’m in physical pain here. It’s unkind, what you’re doing.”
“I beg to differ,” I said. He was leaning on his side and I looped my leg over his hip, drawing even closer. Feeling exploded in my groin as I felt him brush against me there. “I think I’m being very kind.”
“Katie,” he said, his breath ragged as I let my mouth explore his chest, while my hands took on a mind of their own. “Kat…oh my God,” he moaned, gritting his teeth as I let my lips creep lower and lower and lower. In the end, he had to pull me up and bind me in a mammoth hug, his arms pinning me still to get my attention. “Are you sure about this?” he said. “Do you really want your memories of our first time to be all mixed up with… I don’t want you to regret this. Having sex just because you want to forget, it’s not—”
Dislodging my arm, I reached up and pressed my hand to his lips.
“I want to do this now because you held my hand while I broke the news to my parents,” I said. “Because you defended me to my sister. Because you moved in to my apartment to keep me safe. Because you poured me a bubble bath. Because you’re more concerned about my first time than I am.” His dimples popped and I ran my fingers over them. “I’m not trying to escape, or to lose myself, or to prove anything. I just want you, Lucas. I just love you so much that all the rest of it doesn’t even register. Not when I’m with you.”
I had to catch my breath after I was done. That was a lot of feelings and a lot of words for me. It had to be some kind of record. But it was worth it, because I’d never seen Lucas look so enamored of me before. When he kissed me then, softly at first, teasing open my lips with his tongue, and then gradually deeper and with such intensity, I thought to myself, This is what it feels like to be loved completely. I wanted to wrap myself up in that feeling. I wanted to wrap myself up in him, so I did.
When the moment came at last and he hovered above me, his chest against mine, I felt a shiver of fear, remembering how hard I had fought to avoid this kind of intimacy. I would never be more vulnerable than this, more naked, more open. And I could never take it back.
He brushed his lips against mine. “Are you ready?” he whispered, and I knew. I would never really be ready. Not totally. Not one hundred percent. There would always be a part of me that would want to push the world away, to hide myself, to guard against anything good, assuming it would turn bad. But I could still choose who I wanted to be, and I wanted to be with Lucas, even if he was bad news, out of my league, and one hundred percent trouble. I was ready to take this leap, as long as he was taking it with me.
“Yes,” I said, and our eyes locked as he rocked into me, filling me, tipping me over into a new place I’d never been to before. A place where I could be seen without shaking. A place where I could be held without breaking. A place where we could put me back together.