“I don’t mind.” He turned back to me and leaned on the counter. His hand swept over the surface, moving in my direction but not touching. “No offense, but you don’t look so good right now.”
I was still in the clothes I’d worn to work, rumpled now because I’d been lying down. My hair was in a ponytail, but I was sure there were flyaways sticking out all over the place. I’d barely slept over the past three days, and I’d been puking. I was sure Hayden was being kind in his assessment.
He chewed on his viper bites uncertainly. “Maybe I could put you to bed?”
“I don’t—”
“Shit. Sorry. I don’t mean it like that. I know you don’t want that from me, and I get it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Sienna. It’s not a good time to talk about it and I get that, too, but I’m still sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you or mess up this thing between us, which is what I’ve done anyway.” He took a deep breath and kept going. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me anymore. Well, that’s not really true, but I’d understand. Maybe we could be friends instead or something? I still feel . . . I don’t know what I feel, but I could try to be friends if that’s what you need. I’d rather have that than nothing. I just want to take care of you. I miss you. Maybe I could stay for a bit, until you’re settled or you fall asleep or whatever you want.”
I rolled the glass between my palms, listening to the ice cubes clink against the sides. It had been so difficult for him to be honest with me, and here I was still lying through omission. I told him what truth I could. “I don’t think I can be just friends with you.”
His head dropped. “I knew I’d fuck this up. Lisa warned me not to get too intense.”
I reached out and ran my finger along the vine peeking out from under his sleeve. “You’re misunderstanding. Friends isn’t enough for me—unless you think it’s better that way.”
His eyes lifted, widening with surprise. He came around the counter and stopped when he was in front of me, close enough to touch. “Fuck, no. I want you, only you, all of you, for as long as I can have you.”
I grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer, parting my legs so he could step between them. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He was tentative at first, and then he hugged me hard, his nose buried in my hair, his lips against my neck.
“I missed you,” I said into his chest, enveloped in his warm embrace. The anxiety and the nausea abated, followed by a heady wave of calm.
“I thought I was going to lose you,” he whispered.
“I need you too much for that to happen,” I told him.
I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad anymore.
30
TENLEY
In the days that followed, Hayden was hyperattentive. He asked permission before he so much as kissed me, as though I might change my mind and decide I no longer wanted his affection.
On Saturday night Hayden and I were cuddled on the couch. TK was wrapped around the back of his neck like a stole. Hayden was pretending to watch TV while I painted my fingernails sparkly gold.
Activity in the hallway drew Hayden’s attention away from the news.
“Is that Chris?” he asked, stupefied.
“Sarah finally agreed to go on a date with him.”
A feminine giggle came from the hall, followed by the muffled sound of a door opening and closing. It must have gone well. I was sure to get details tomorrow.
“For real?”
“Uh-huh. I think he was taking her out for drinks.” I widened my eyes in mock conspiracy. “Maybe next time they’ll try food.”
“I can’t believe he didn’t tell me.” Hayden fiddled with his viper bites. “We should do that again. I liked taking you to the museum.”
“That would be nice.”
“I don’t think I have any clients tomorrow night. Maybe I could take you out for dinner?” He lifted TK from his shoulders; her nails clung to his shirt. She mewed when he disengaged them and set her on the arm of the couch.
“Are you asking me on a date?”
He blinked. “Uh, yeah?”
“I’d love to.” Butterflies flitted around in my stomach. While we’d fooled around a little since we talked, it hadn’t gone very far. Hayden was extra reserved these days. Maybe the date would change that.
“Cool.”
“You know,” I said, “if you show me a good time, I might just make out with you in your car afterward.”
His eyes lit up. Covering my body with his, he kissed a path from my sternum to my mouth. “I’ll show you a good time, all right.”
*
Hayden left my place midafternoon on Sunday and returned two hours later. Instead of letting himself in, he knocked. I open the door to find him rocking on his heels with his hands behind his back. His gaze moved from my face down to my toes. He reversed the circuit and slowly brought his eyes back to mine.
“You look fucking hot,” he blurted, then grimaced. “Sorry. I got you these.” He produced a bouquet of flowers and thrust them at me. His nervousness was cute.