The elation was short-lived, however, considering where things stood with Hayden. I tried not to cry, but I was drained and couldn’t manage all the emotions. It had been less than forty-eight hours since I’d spoken to Hayden, and I already felt like I was in the throes of withdrawal.
I remembered how difficult it was after I left the hospital and the morphine haze lifted. Reality was an ice bath of agony. This was unnervingly similar. I hadn’t realized how much I’d come to depend on Hayden in the short time we’d been together. The urge to call him was almost debilitating. I pulled out my phone with unsteady hands and punched in the code. I’d missed several calls and messages over the course of the day. Many of them were from Hayden. The most recent text message brought on a fresh wave of tears. Three simple words:
I miss you.
I wanted so badly to give in, to ask him to come over and stay with me, to erase all the hurt. But if I did, it meant allowing this new addiction. I wasn’t so sure it was any better. It definitely wasn’t safer for my already shattered heart. Particularly not after all that revelation on Saturday.
I put my phone away. The drive seemed to take forever. My solace came in the form of a bottle of wine and more antianxiety medication when I finally got home. There was a knock on my door about an hour later. By that time I was in a medicated, alcohol-numbed fog. It was barely after nine.
I wobbled over and looked through the little peephole. Sarah was standing on the other side, arms crossed over her chest.
“Hey,” I slurred, “come on in. Want some wine?”
“Um, okay,” she said, frowning as she looked me over. “How are you? I sent you a message earlier. I got worried when I didn’t hear from you.”
“Sorry about that, it was a rough day.” I went to the fridge and retrieved the bottle of white; there was an inch left in the bottom.
“Was that all you?” she asked, brow arched.
“I have more.” I grabbed a fresh bottle from the fruit crisper. Wine was made out of fruit; it was a logical place to store it. I unscrewed the cap and poured Sarah a glass, sloshing liquid over the rim. It pooled on the counter, but Hayden wasn’t here to get all anal about it, so I didn’t wipe it up.
“You do know getting drunk alone is the sign of a problem, right?” she asked, taking a sip.
“I’m not alone anymore, so I guess that solves the problem.” I had to concentrate hard on making it to the couch without weaving.
“Have you talked to Hayden yet?”
I shook my head and took a gulp of wine.
“How long are you going to shut him out?”
“I have to work tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll see him then.”
She chewed on her bottom lip, like she was debating something. “I know what happened at Lisa’s was messed up, and it’s totally justifiable for you to need some space, but it’s pretty obvious he cares about you. Chris said he’s never seen Hayden like this with anyone. Not ever, and they’ve been friends for like seven years or something.”
“You talked to Chris again?”
She nodded and ducked her head. “He gave me his number. Well, he’s done that before, but I threw it out a bunch of times. This time I kept it. He wants to take me out for drinks.”
“You should go.” I liked Chris. Sometimes he acted more like a kid than a grown man, but he was funny and sweet.
“I told him I’d think about it. But seriously, you should talk to Hayden.”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s not to know? You’re into him, he’s into you, you had a misunderstanding, clear the air.”
“It’s not that simple.”
Sarah sighed. “Look, I get that this has to be hard for you, but you’re miserable, and from what Chris says, so is Hayden. Why go on torturing yourself?”
“I don’t know how to deal with the Sienna thing,” I admitted.
“There’s nothing to deal with, though. Hayden isn’t with her anymore, and Chris said he hasn’t had anything to do with her in forever. If anything, Hayden can’t stand to be near her.”
“I just wish he’d said something before the party so I was prepared.”
But that wasn’t the biggest issue. Seeing that woman with her hands on him made me frighteningly aware of the depth of my feelings for Hayden. My heart was already in pieces as it was. If he broke it again I would never recover. I drained the rest of my wine and stood up, intent on getting a refill. Unfortunately my balance was off, and I dropped back down.
“You’re way hammered. When did you start on the wine?” She took my glass from me and headed for the kitchen, where she rinsed it out and filled it with water instead.
“I told you it was a rough day.”
She handed me the glass. Water was probably a good idea, considering I already had the beginnings of a headache. “Talking to Hayden might help that,” she replied.
“That’s only part of the problem. My professor keeps trying to solicit me for sex,” I mumbled.
“What did you just say?”
“Sorry, I’m overreacting. It’s not like he put his hands on me or anything . . .” I didn’t want to make a big deal of it.
“You should report him.”
“I’ve taken care of it.”