CHAPTER 8
It had been three weeks since I had started seeing Dr. Karla Hunter, a psychologist that Dr. Addison had referred me to who specialized in post-partum depression. Dr. Addison had told me that my dreams, fears and anxiety were textbook symptoms of PPD. He had started me on a low dose of an antidepressant medication called Paxil which he assured me was safe for breastfeeding mothers.
As I sat in her office waiting for her to come in, I reflected upon how things had been since Dr. Addison had diagnosed me with PPD. The dreams had continued off and on for a week to ten days after I started the meds. Little by little they diminished. My anxiety and fears about the baby were starting to subside. I wasn't sure if the meds could take total credit for that because having Susan at our apartment was good emotional medicine for me as well.
Susan had immediately put me at ease about being there to help out. She assured me that she would not try and take over or get in the way of my mothering. She told me that if there was anything she did that I did not like, I was to tell her immediately. She also assured me that she had suffered bouts of post-partum depression after Tristan had been born and that is was not all that rare; that I was not to feel ashamed or upset by it. She mothered me as if I were her own daughter which had brought me much comfort.
Susan and I had developed a routine with Preston that worked out well for all concerned. Trey set up the double bed that had been in that bedroom before it had been transitioned into the nursery. It was plenty large enough to accommodate. Susan slept in the nursery with Preston. I used my breast pump in the evening so that if Preston awoke during the night or before I got up in the morning, Susan would take the feeding for me.
I rested so much better knowing that someone I loved and trusted was sleeping close by my baby. My anxiety and stress level had been greatly reduced.
My relationship with Trey had benefited tremendously. We laughed and loved again. The dark circles under his eyes disappeared and our mutual affection reappeared with more energy than before. We enjoyed our closeness and doing things as a couple away from home like we had done before Preston was born.
Dr. Hunter breezed through the door just then, my chart in her hands.
"Good afternoon, Tylar," she greeted me warmly, glancing through her notes from the session we had the prior week.
"Hi Karla," I replied, smiling.
She had insisted on my calling her by her first name which was fine by me.
"Anything new happening?" she asked.
"Everything is pretty much the same," I replied. "I'm feeling well, sleeping well and the dark nightmares have disappeared. Susan is still with us. She has made a lot of my fears disappear just by being there."
"How so?" Karla asked.
"Well, I guess for one thing, I feel better about going out without taking the baby everywhere I go. Plus, she sleeps in Preston's room so that makes me feel better as well."
"How long will your mother-in-law be staying on with you and Trey?"
"I'm not sure. Why?"
"No reason. I just think that perhaps we need to discuss possible reasons as to why her presence has made you feel safer, secure and well to be perfectly blunt, sane."
What was with psychologists I wondered? Did they always find it necessary to find some deep, dark hidden meaning to any inconsequential remark made? I was a new mother with no experience with babies. Why shouldn't I feel more secure and relaxed having Susan with her child-raising experience nearby? It wasn't as if my own mother had taught me anything maternal. Dear God - I hoped Karla didn't bring that subject up again.
"Have you given any more thought to your own mother, Tylar?"
(There it was!)
"Not really," I replied with a shrug.
"I mean I'm not sure what you expected me to think about. I've told you that most of my 'mom' memories are not all that pleasant."
"I understand that," she remarked.
"Trust me; I am not trying to dredge up memories that are painful to you. I just thought perhaps there might be some benefit in you and I discussing some of the issues you may have had with your mother that cause you to worry about your own potential as a mother to Preston. I recall some of your dreams dealt with your fear of harming your baby."
"One dream, Dr. Hunter. It was only the one dream."
I was quick to correct her and the fact that I had not used her first name did not go unnoticed by Karla. I saw an eyebrow arch upward infinitesimally at my response.
Dear God, I had probably set off some psychological "bell and whistle" with my defensive response to her seemingly benign statement. The truth was I did not want to dwell on my mother or the fact that I had dreamt that horrid nightmare. The pills had taken care of those bad dreams. What would be served in dredging it all back up again?
"Did you have any luck with trying to recall your first memory since our last appointment?"
(Shit - that again. She was starting to annoy me a tad.)
"As a matter of fact I did. My first memory was at the house where I was raised. The one and only house that I ever lived in with my mother in Radcliff, Kentucky." I replied.
Karla nodded for me to continue, her pen poised above the lined notebook she had been using to take notes during our sessions. Her reading glasses were perched low on her nose. She looked like she was pushing forty. Perhaps the idea of bifocals was disdainful to her. I could tell she wore contacts.
I continued with my memory as she requested.
"I was on the swing set in my backyard. I was swinging really high on one of the swings by myself. I felt the swing set start to tip over. A man came out of our house and ran over to me. He grabbed the swing as it was going back up. He stilled the swing and lifted me from it. He placed me down beside him and told me very nicely not to go on the swing any more until the swing set had been anchored down into the ground."
Karla was writing furiously in her notebook. I gave her time to catch up before going on, noticing that when she looked back up at me her contacts were colored. Her eyes were blue today, matching her two-piece blue suit. I recalled last week her eyes were a dark chocolate brown matching the dark brown blazer she had worn with her tan-colored slacks.
"I'm not sure who the man was that day," I remarked, answering the question I was sure she was ready to ask. "All I know was that he wasn't like a boyfriend to my mom or anything."
"Why are you certain of that?"
"He wasn't her type for one thing. He was in a suit and tie. And they didn't hold hands or kiss or anything like any of the boyfriends I had managed to glimpse after that over the years. Also, I could tell that she really didn't like him. No - that's wrong," I corrected myself. "She really hated him as far as I could tell."
"Why would you say that?" Karla asked, her brow furrowed in her attempt to understand how as a child of perhaps four years old could read those kinds of adult emotions.
"Because I also recalled seeing him a couple of times after that. I remembered an argument she had with him a year or so after that."
"Tell me about the argument, Tylar."
"I don't know when it happened exactly. It was definitely after the incident with the swing set. My mom had given the swing set away. She never did have it anchored into the ground."
I paused briefly to make the memory crisper.
"She had been pissed at me after that. I suppose she blamed me for swinging in it too high. Anyway, the next time that I saw that same man I was in school."
The memory became more detailed in my mind. It put a timeframe into perspective. I was in kindergarten; that's right, it was kindergarten.
"I was in kindergarten," I confirmed out loud. "I know that because the elementary school that I had gone to had a Halloween festival. It was the first time that I had gone to it. I would have been five years old at the time. They held it on a weekend evening, either Friday or Saturday. It must have been Saturday because it was my mom's 'date night.' She didn't want to take me."
"Date night?" Karla questioned.
(Here we go…)
"Yes. Over the years my mom had a date night on Saturday's. That is when she would entertain men. As I got older, she wanted me out of the house on that night."
There is was; pure and simple. I had had to explain 'date night' so many times over the past year or so that I had learned a condensed version of an explanation. Karla nodded for me to continue.
"Anyway, I dressed up in a little princess outfit for Halloween. My mom said that I could go ahead and walk up to the Halloween festival at school as long as I walked with the neighbor family that was going. My mom hadn't really cleared it with the neighbor family that I needed to walk up and back with them. They just sort of thought that I had tagged along on their way up to the school."
Karla was taking notes and nodded for me to continue.
"Anyway, once I got to the school I just sort of found other kids there that I knew from my kindergarten class. I got separated from the neighbors. I don't even remember their name. The next thing I remember is that the school janitor was shutting the lights off in the gymnasium and I was still wandering around looking for my neighbors to walk back home with. The janitor was a really nice man.
"He saw that I had started crying and asked me where my parents were. I told him my story. He phoned the police."
I teared up as I recalled how frightened I had been all alone like that, wandering around the school."
"I was taken away by the police to the police station. I remember that they had given me candy and were being really, really nice to me. Then some lady showed up there and took me to a family's house where I spent a few nights. I kept asking for my mother. They told me that I would see her soon. I didn't see my mother for several days. When I did see her, that same man with the suit was there with her to take me back home. Mom sent me to my room. They argued downstairs."
I shivered as I recalled the loud voices downstairs. It was mostly the man that was yelling. I think that was one person that actually frightened my mom.
"The man told my mom that she had better get her shit together. He said that if she didn't, she could consider the golden goose dead. I was never sure what he had meant by that. All I know was that after he left, my mom didn't have any more boyfriends for a long, long time."
I looked over at Karla as she finished up her note-taking. For whatever reason, what I had shared with her seemed to have rendered her usually unemotional expression null and void. She looked over at me and her expression appeared to be that of concern. I wasn't sure why. Nothing bad had happened to me as a result of my mother's neglect.
"Tylar," she said, "Between now and our next appointment I would like for you to continue to relax and focus on other memories you have similar to what you have shared with me today. These are very valuable tools in ensuring that we are dealing productively with any issues from your past that could continue to impact the present."
I nodded, not entirely certain as to what degree she felt my past was important to the present. I trusted Karla though, so I would do whatever she deemed necessary.
I made my next appointment and headed home to my family. I called Gina from my cell phone on the way home to see how she was feeling.
We had talked regularly since her break with Ian. She had been up in Hoboken with her mom for the past several weeks putting some distance between her and Ian. They were proceeding with their divorce. Trey had recommended an attorney from his practice that specialized in domestic cases. The biggest thing was how their business would be split.
She answered her cell on the second ring.
"What's up girlfriend," she asked sounding more chipper than usual.
"Not much. Just got done with my shrink; I wanted to check in with you to see how you have been feeling."
"It's all good, Ty," she said. "I have come to terms with the fact that my marriage is over, but hey, I'm 30 years old so it isn't exactly the end of the world. Ian and I still have to come to terms with the division of property so once Jesse crunches the numbers, we will be good to make a proposal."
"Jesse?" I asked, "Who is that?"
"Only the best freaking divorce lawyer in Atlanta girlfriend. I'm so glad the Hot Nazi turned me on to him. Pretty sweet on the eyes too."
"Gina," I warned, "Don't rush into anything. You're vulnerable right now remember? What's Ian doing these days?"
"Who gives a fuck," she screeched. "I don't give a damn. I hear he's moved in with Shelly. What-the-fuck-ever!"
She was still hurt as she had every right to be. I was glad when she changed the subject.
"How are things going with you?" she asked.
"Things have become much, much better," I answered honestly.
"I just don't ever want Susan to leave."
"You've got to be shitting me," she said. "I'd have murdered Ian's mom by now. She was such a bloody control freak."
"It's just not like that with Susan," I replied.
"She is almost like a mother to me. I don't know how I would have done it these past few weeks without her. Do you realize our new home will be ready to move into right after New Year's?"
"No shit? I can hardly wait to see it."
"When are you coming back home?" I asked.
"Soon I promise. This is just one of those times I need my mother, you know?"
Actually I didn't. I was unfamiliar as to how that might feel. I hoped when the day came for Preston that I was a mother she could come to for healing after heartbreak. Of course I would much prefer that no one would ever break her heart. Trey would likely go ballistic and kill the responsible party if that ever happened.
"But hey, I also need my very best friend too and I miss her," Gina said bringing me back to the conversation.
I smiled into the phone telling her we would talk soon.
I pulled my car into the parking lot of Edgewood Convalescence Center. Jean had been moved over to Edgewood from the hospital about a week ago. She was here for rehabilitation. Thankfully, she had regained consciousness with no permanent brain damage. She was at Edgewood for physical therapy for the next two months.
Jean brightened as I entered her room. She was sitting up in a chair, looking at a magazine that I had brought her a few days before when I had visited.
"Tylar," she greeted me with a smile, "You are a welcome site today. How is my little one doing?"
"She is heavier than two sacks of potatoes," I laughed. "You better be working double time with your physical therapist if you expect to be able to lift her when you get out."
"I think my therapist might have been a Nazi in his previous life," she moaned.
"No worries Tylar, he won't let me be a slacker that is for sure."
Trey and I had discussed having Jean as live-in help once we moved into our new large home. I hadn't said anything to Jean just yet as I wanted to see how she progressed with her therapy. There would be a lot of stops and high ceilings to contend with in our new home. I started back at the firm the following week to fill in for Leah until just before Christmas. Susan would be watching Preston while I worked for as long as Trey and I needed her.
"Is grandma being good to little Preston?" Jean asked.
"Spoiling her rotten," I laughed.
"Can't spoil a baby Tylar," Jean replied, "You can spoil your appetite or spoil a surprise, but you just can't spoil a baby."
"If you say so Jean," I said, smiling at her.
We chatted a little while longer and then her 'born again Nazi' came into her room to take her down for her hydrotherapy which I could only guess involved water.
That evening at dinner Susan announced that she was needed back in Bristol in two weeks. Clive was to undergo by-pass surgery and she would need to be there to help him during recovery.
Trey and I both dropped our forks at her announcement.
"Mom," Trey said, clearly startled, "What the hell happened? Why am I just finding out about this?"
"Because I just found out about it this afternoon Trey. It seems your father chose to keep me out of the loop until he knew with certainty what the official diagnosis and treatment option was to be. I was just as clueless."
"Did he have a heart attack?" I asked stunned by the news.
"No, no - nothing like that thankfully," she replied.
"He has just been feeling tired over the past couple of months and lacked his usual energy. He didn't want to worry anyone so he went to his doctor who then referred him to a cardiologist. He has some blockage which can be surgically corrected with a bypass. He claims it is very routine."
I didn't say anything but it seemed to me that anytime there was a problem with someone's ticker that needed fixing it hardly seemed routine.
"Tylar," Susan said glancing over at me, "I intend to stay and help you find someone to watch Preston after I leave. I took the liberty of calling a couple of agencies today. They will be sending a few candidates over this week yet. I know you start back working on Monday but if you trust me to do the interviewing . . ."
"Whoa, whoa," I interrupted, causing Trey to look over at me quickly.
"As far as I am concerned Susan, your place is with Clive. I don't want you worrying yourself one little bit about Preston. I will be here to take care of her and that's that."
"What about going back to the firm?" Susan asked.
"As far as I'm concerned, the firm can call an agency to get temporary help. I need to stay here with Preston since you need to be with Clive."
"Tylar," Trey interrupted softly. "You and I will discuss this later."
He turned his attention back to his mother, pummeling her with questions about Clive in attorney-style. He wanted to make sure that there was nothing being held back about his father's condition. I got that. But if Trey thought for one second that I was going to leave my baby to the care of someone other than family right now, he was sorely mistaken.
As we readied ourselves for bed that evening Trey pulled me down beside him on the bed.
"Tylar I know that you have some trepidation about hiring someone to watch the baby after Mom leaves, but please hear me out."
I looked over at him as he raked his hand absently through his hair and sighed.
"The thing is Tylar, our lives have improved so much because of the treatment you have been getting for your PPD; the fact that mom has been here as well makes it difficult to know if she has been part of the cure I guess. I need to know that you are okay no matter what. Do you understand?"
I wasn't sure that I did understand.
"I'm not sure Trey," I answered honestly.
He took my hand in his massaging it gently, raising it to his face and brushing his lips against it.
"I mean that I need to know that you have shed the fears and anguish of being apart from the baby when it is not me or my mom that is watching her; that your paranoia is gone," he said simply.
"You're right - the firm could easily call an agency and get a temp in to train to cover for Leah. That is really not the point though."
"What is the point Trey?" I asked studying his face.
"The point is to know that you can function in a world where your security and peace of mind cannot always be guaranteed I guess. I need to know that if something happened to me, that you would be okay to go on. I need to know that you can face any fears, real or imagined with something other than withdrawal and escape."
It was in that moment that I got it. Trey was right. I had changed after the baby was born; I was not the girl that had set out on her own to make a nest for her baby asking for no one's help; I was not the same girl who had defied Trey's orders and set about to win a feature race setting the best time in the series on a long-shot quarter horse named Jezebel; I was not the same girl who had kicked the be-Jesus out of Charlie at the age of thirteen, and then again at the age of twenty-one when he attempted to rape me.
I recalled a conversation that I had the previous year with Mark; he had told me something to the effect that a man doesn't necessarily want a woman to change into something that she was not, even though it might mean a rocky road at times for them it would still be a road well traveled together. Right now Trey needed the assurance that I was still that girl.
"Trey," I said softly, "I can't say with absolute certainty that I won't worry about Preston when she is out of my sight but I can say that I will do this thing for you because I know that it is important and I understand why it is important to you as well."
He pulled me to him and we kissed long and passionately. Throughout that night Trey and I made love very slowly and very sweetly several times. We murmured our love for one another again and again during our lovemaking. We fell asleep finally satiated our arms and legs entwined.