Chapter TWENTY-NINE
Blaire walked into the room and went to the farthest corner before turning around. “Talk. Hurry. I want you gone,” she said in a tight voice. you.” I should have told her already. I should have told her yesterday. I should have f*cking told her the moment I realized it, but I hadn’t.
She started shaking her head. She wasn’t going to listen to me. I was going to have to f*cking beg. I would fight enough for both of us.
“I know my actions don’t appear to back that up, but if you’d just let me explain. God, baby, I can’t stand seeing you in so much pain,” I said, pleading.
“Nothing you can say will fix this. She was my mother, Rush. The one memory that holds anything good in my life. She is the center of every happy childhood moment I had. And you . . .” She paused and closed her eyes. “And you, and . . . and them. Y’all disgraced her. The ugly lies that you spoke as if they were the truth.”
I hated myself. I hated the lies. I hated my mother and Abe.
“I’m so sorry you found out this way. I wanted to tell you. At first, you were just a problem that would hurt Nan. I thought you’d cause her more pain. The trouble was that you fascinated me. I’ll admit I was immediately drawn to you because you’re gorgeous. Breathtaking. I hated you because of it. I didn’t want to be attracted to you. But I was. I wanted you badly that very first night. Just to be near you. God, I made up reasons to find you. Then . . . then I got to know you. I was hypnotized by your laugh. It was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard. You were so honest and determined. You didn’t whine or complain. You took what life handed you and worked with it. I wasn’t used to that. Every time I watched you, every time I was near you, I fell a little more.”
I took a step toward her, and she held up her hands as if to keep me back. I had to keep talking. I needed her to believe me.
“Then that night at the honky-tonk. You owned me after that. You may not have realized it, but I was hooked. There was no going back for me. I had so much to make up for. I’d put you through hell since you’d arrived, and I hated myself for it. I wanted to give you the world. But I knew . . . I knew who you were. When I let myself remember exactly who you were, I would pull back. How could I be so completely wrapped up in the girl who represented my sister’s pain?”
Blaire covered her ears. “No. I won’t listen to this. Leave, Rush. Leave now!” she yelled.
“The day Mom came home from the hospital with her, I was three. I remember it, though. She was so small, and I remember worrying that something would happen to her. My mom cried a lot. So did Nan. I grew up fast. By the time Nan was three, I was doing everything from fixing her breakfast to tucking her in at night. Our mom had married, and now we had Grant. There was never any stability. I actually looked forward to the times my dad would come get me, because I wouldn’t be responsible for Nan for a few days. I’d get a break. Then she began asking why I had a daddy and she didn’t.” I needed Blaire to understand why I did what I did. It had been wrong, but she had to understand.
“Stop!” she yelled, moving back farther against the wall.
“Blaire, I need you to hear me. This is the only way you’ll understand,” I begged. The sob in my throat caused my voice to crack, but I wasn’t stopping. She had to listen to me. “Mom would tell her she didn’t have one because she was special. That didn’t work for very long. I demanded that Mom tell me who Nan’s dad was. I wanted it to be mine. I knew my dad would take her places. Mom told me that Nan’s dad had another family. He had two little girls he loved more than Nan. He wanted those girls, but he didn’t want Nan. I couldn’t understand how anyone couldn’t want Nan. She was my little sister. Sure, at times I wanted to kill her, but I loved her fiercely. Then came the day Mom took her to see the family her father had chosen. Nan cried for months afterward.”
I stopped talking, and Blaire sank down onto the bed. She was giving in and listening to me. I felt a small glimmer of hope.
“I hated those girls. I hated that family Nan’s dad had chosen over her. I swore that one day, I’d make him pay. Nan would always say that maybe one day, he’d come see her. She daydreamed about him wanting to see her. I listened to these daydreams for years. When I was nineteen I went looking for him. I knew his name. I found him. I left him a picture of Nan with our address on the back. I told him he had another daughter who was special, and she just wanted to meet him. To talk to him.”
I could see her do the math in her head. She’d lost her sister less than a year before I’d found Abe. But I hadn’t known. God, I’d had no idea. I had been trying to help my sister, not destroy Blaire’s life. I hadn’t known Blaire.
“I did it because I loved my sister. I had no idea what his other family was going through. I didn’t care, honestly. I only cared about Nan. You were the enemy. Then you walked into my house and completely changed my world. I always swore I’d never feel guilty for breaking up that family. After all, they had broken up Nan’s. Every moment I was with you, the guilt at what I’d done started to eat me alive. Seeing your eyes when you told me about your sister and your mom, God, I swear you ripped my heart out that night, Blaire. I will never get over that.”
I moved over to her, and she let me get closer.
“I swear to you that as much as I love my sister, if I could go back and change things, I would. I would never have gone to see your dad. Ever. I’m so sorry, Blaire. I’m so f*cking sorry.” Tears were blurring my vision. I had to get her to understand.
“I can’t tell you that I forgive you,” she said softly. “But I can tell you that I understand why you did what you did. It altered my world. That can never be changed.”
A tear escaped and rolled down my face. I didn’t move to wipe it away. I wasn’t sure when I had cried last. I had been a kid. It was something I wasn’t used to anymore. But right now, I couldn’t keep it in. The pain was overwhelming. “I don’t want to lose you. I’m in love with you, Blaire. I’ve never wanted anything or anyone the way I want you. I can’t imagine my world now without you in it.”
“I can’t love you, Rush,” she said.
I let the sob I had been trying so hard to hold in break free, and my head fell into her lap. Nothing mattered. Nothing. Not anymore. I loved her completely, but I hadn’t been able to win her love in return, and without it, I would never get her back. I had lost. How would I live now that I had known life with Blaire? “You don’t have to love me. Just don’t leave me,” I said, and I let the sobs shake my body and buried my face in her leg. Had I ever felt so broken? No. And I never would again. Nothing could compare to holding heaven and losing it.
“Rush.” Her voice sounded pained.
I lifted my head from her lap. She stood up and began unsnapping her shirt. I sat there, afraid to move, as she slowly began taking off her clothing, removing each piece carefully and with purpose. I didn’t understand, but I was afraid to speak. If she was changing her mind, I didn’t want to ruin it.
Once she was completely naked, she walked over and straddled my legs. Grabbing her waist, I buried my face in her stomach. I could feel my body trembling from having her this close, but I didn’t know what it meant. I couldn’t assume it meant that she forgave me. She had just said she could never love me.
“What are you doing, Blaire?” I asked finally.
She grabbed my shirt and tugged at it. I lifted my arms and let her pull it off. Then she sank down in my lap and grabbed my head and kissed me. That sweet, intoxicating taste that was Blaire filled me, and I sank my hands into her hair and held her to me. I was afraid she would change her mind. She didn’t have to love me; I just wanted her to let me love her like this. It would be enough for me.
“Are you sure?” I asked, as she rocked against my erection.
She just nodded.
I picked her up and laid her down on the bed. Then I removed my shoes and pants. When I was equally naked, I held myself over her and stared down at her. She took my breath away. “You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. Inside and out,” I told her. Then I kissed her everywhere I could, every inch of her face, before pulling her bottom lip into my mouth.
She lifted her hips and opened her legs, but I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t want to hurry this. I wanted to savor her. She was meant to be savored and cherished. She was meant to be loved and cared for. I would do that for her. Even if she didn’t love me, I could make it enough for both of us.
I ran my hands down her body, memorizing every part of her. I didn’t want to believe this was a good-bye. I didn’t think Blaire would end it this way. But the fear was there, and I couldn’t get enough of her. “I love you so damn much,” I told her, and I lowered my head to kiss her stomach.
Her legs opened wider. I glanced up at her, knowing that I had to ask this time. She wasn’t promising us a tomorrow.
“Do I need to wear a condom?” I asked, moving back up her body.
She nodded, and I felt what was left of my heart crack even more. She was putting a barrier between us. I reached for my jeans and got the condom out of my wallet, then slid it on. Blaire’s eyes were on me. My cock twitched from her attention.
I ran my hands up the insides of her thighs. No one had ever been here but me. No one had touched her but me. “This will always be mine,” I said, wanting to mark her permanently. I lowered myself until the tip of my erection nudged inside her. “Never been this good. Nothing has ever been this good.” I swore, then filled her in one hard thrust. She wrapped her legs around me and cried out. My battered heart beat wildly against my chest. This was home. Blaire was my home. I hadn’t realized how alone I was until she came into my life. I moved inside her slowly, not taking my eyes off her face. I wanted to see her eyes as I made love to her. That was what this was for me. I was making love to her body. This wasn’t a f*ck. This was me showing her how much she owned me.
She slipped her legs higher on me and wrapped her arms around my neck.
“I will always love you. No one will ever compare. You own me, Blaire. My heart and soul are yours,” I told her as I rocked inside of her. I brushed a kiss against her lips. “Only you,” I promised her. It would always only be her. She was my life now.
Our gazes locked, and she cried out. Her orgasm squeezed me tightly, sending me spiraling off after her. When the pleasure slowly faded, I looked at her, and I knew. Her eyes were telling me what I had feared. This had been her good-bye.
“Don’t do this, Blaire,” I pleaded.
“Good-bye, Rush,” she whispered.
I refused to accept it. I couldn’t let her do this. “No. Don’t you do this to us.”
She let her legs fall away from my body and go limp. Then she dropped her hands to her sides and turned her face away from me. “I didn’t get a good-bye with my sister or my mom. Those were final good-byes I never got. This final good-bye I needed. This one time between us with no lies.” The hollowness in her voice sliced me open.
I grabbed the sheets under my hands. “No. No. Please, don’t,” I begged.
She continued to look away from me and lay limply beneath me. How could I fight for someone who didn’t want me? Someone who hated me? I had no chance of winning. I had done everything I knew how to do. But she didn’t want me. Not now.
I pulled out of her and reached for my clothing. I disposed of the condom, then numbly went through the motions of putting my clothes on. She wanted me to leave. And I was just supposed to walk out of this room and leave her. How the f*ck could I?
When I was dressed, I turned to look at her. She sat up, pulling her knees up to her chin to cover her nudity.
“I can’t make you forgive me. I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I can’t change the past. All I can do is give you what you want. If this is what you want, I’ll walk away, Blaire. It’ll kill me, but I’ll do it.” I would do the only thing I could do: give her what she wanted.
“Good-bye, Rush,” she repeated, and she dropped her gaze from me.
I would leave my heart here. My soul, too. She owned them. I was empty without her. I would never be the same. Blaire Wynn had changed me. She had shown me that I could love with an all-consuming love and get nothing in return. I would never love again. She was the one. She was it for me. With one final look at the woman I loved, I turned and left the room, closing the door behind me.
When I stepped out into the night, I let the rest of my tears fall.
Loving someone you don’t deserve isn’t easy. It hurts like hell. But not one moment of my time with Blaire would I regret.