Chapter TWENTY-SEVEN
I couldn’t sleep. I lay there for hours, watching Blaire sleep in my arms. She had curled up against me and clung to me as if I were her only warmth. The fear that I might never have this again was very real. As much as I didn’t want to believe she would leave me, I knew I could lose her. How would I survive that? I pulled her closer to me and held her tighter. If I could just take her and run away. Never let her know the awful truth. Why did I always have to hurt her, when all I wanted to do was protect her?
“I love you,” I whispered into her hair.
That had to be enough for us.
I watched the sun come up and the morning grow brighter. Blaire needed sleep. She’d probably sleep until noon. I had to talk to my mother and Abe before Blaire woke up. They needed to know how I felt about her. She had become my top priority. That had to be made clear.
Closing my eyes, I inhaled her and soaked in the feel of her in my arms. So trusting. Forcing myself to get out of bed, I moved her over and out of my arms. I was ready to go downstairs and deal with the truth. The ugly, horrible, sordid truth that was going to hurt her. I couldn’t stop that. I could just hope that I was enough to help her heal.
I
I pulled on my clothes and headed for the stairs, then stopped and looked back at Blaire lying in my bed. She was curled up in the covers now. Her long blond hair was fanned out over my pillow. As a child, I had often wondered if angels were real. By the time I was ten, I had decided they weren’t. That was all bullshit. I realized now that I’d been wrong.
Blaire was my angel.
Abe was standing in the kitchen, drinking a cup of coffee and looking out the window. This was the man who had abandoned my Blaire. He’d let her bury her mother and left her to figure it out all on her own.
I hated him.
He didn’t deserve Blaire.
Abe turned and met my glare. A frown tugged on his mouth, and he took another sip of coffee before turning to look out the window again. He was used to my hatred. But he had no idea how high it had risen since he’d seen me last. I wanted to start ripping his arms off his body. Just looking at him infuriated me.
“Are you going to ask about her?” I snarled.
He shrugged. “She’s here, I assume.” He assumed. He didn’t care. He just assumed.
“What f*cked you up so badly that you could be so heartless?” I asked, hate laced in my words.
“A pain like you could never understand, boy,” he replied. His voice was empty of emotion.
“She buried her mother by herself, you son of a bitch. And you knew it.”
He didn’t reply.
“She is so f*cking innocent and alone,” I said, needing him to acknowledge her, or I was going to lose my shit.
“She isn’t anymore, is she? Innocent and alone, that is,” he said.
My anger hit a boiling point, and I moved across the kitchen. He turned just in time for me to grab him and throw him up against the wall. “You motherf*cking piece of shit! Do not ever, and I f*cking mean ever, insinuate for a minute that Blaire is anything less than innocent. I will end you! I don’t give a f*ck who wants you!” I was yelling.
Abe had dropped his coffee, and the cup had shattered on the floor, but I ignored it. He didn’t look like he cared. There was an emptiness in this man that I didn’t understand. It was as if he had no soul. “Did you sleep with her?” he said calmly.
I slammed him against the wall again, hard enough to rattle the walls and send plates falling to join the broken cup. “Shut up!” I roared.
“Rush!” My mother’s hysterical voice broke through my rage.
“Not your business, Mom,” I said, not taking my eyes off the man I was ready to murder with my bare hands.
“Doesn’t sound like she’s alone anymore, either,” Abe said.
I swallowed the fear that was clawing at my chest. “She’s not. She never will be. I’ll always be there for her. I’ll keep her safe. I’ll take care of her. She will always have me.”
“Who? What are you talking about, Rush? Let Abe go!” My mother was beside me, pulling on my arm.
Blaire was going to come downstairs soon. I couldn’t kill her father. Not unless she asked me to. Then he was a dead man. I let go of him and stepped back. “Careful how you speak about her. I want nothing more than to see you suffer,” I warned him.
“Rush, that is enough!” My mother’s nails dug into my arm, and I jerked free of her.
“Don’t you touch me, either. You wanted this sack of shit in our lives. You let him leave her.” I pointed my finger at her.
My mother’s shock grew to confusion as she looked around her at the broken things. “You’ve made a mess in here. Go into the living room before someone gets cut. I need an explanation for your behavior,” she said, walking out of the room and expecting us to follow.
I watched her go, then looked over at Abe.
“Nothing you can do to me will compare to the suffering I’ve been through,” Abe said, and then he turned and followed my mother out of the kitchen.
How did that man raise someone like Blaire? I didn’t understand how that woman upstairs in my bed could be a product of this man. Nan I could see, but not Blaire.
I had to talk to my mother and Abe. It was why I had gotten up and left my bed with Blaire still tucked in it. I walked into the living room, and my mother looked at me with a gaping mouth. Apparently, Abe had told her something.
“You . . . you . . . I can’t believe you, Rush. I know you have a problem with sleeping around, but you have to draw the line somewhere. That girl used her body to manipulate you.”
I shook my head and stalked toward my mother. I was done with hearing them talk about Blaire. I no longer cared who the hell said it, they would pay.
Abe stepped between us, but his attention was on my mother. “Be careful what you say about her. Blaire is my daughter.” The warning in his tone surprised me. It didn’t make up for his other shit, but he had defended her.
“I can’t believe you, Rush. What were you thinking? You know who she is? What she means to this family?” my mother said in a horrified tone, like I had committed a crime. She blamed Blaire for something that was never her fault. How insane was this thought process my family believed in so much?
“You can’t hold her responsible. She wasn’t even born yet. You have no idea what all she’s been through. What he has put her through,” I said, pointing at Abe. Because I did know, and I would never forget it.
“Don’t go getting all high and mighty. You were the one who went and found him for me. So whatever he put her through, you started it all. Then you go and sleep with her? Really, Rush. My God, what were you thinking? You’re just like your father.” My mother loved accusing me of being just like Dean when she was mad at me. I was just thankful that I was nothing like her.
“Remember who owns this house, Mother,” I reminded her.
“Can you believe this? He’s turning on me over a girl he just met. Abe, you have to do something.”
My mother looked pleadingly at Abe, and I wanted to laugh. She expected him to do something. That was bullshit. I was tired of this. I needed to get this shit straightened out before Blaire woke up.
“It’s his house, Georgie. I can’t force him to do anything. I should have expected this. She’s so much like her mother.”
His words caused me to pause. What the hell did he mean by that?
“What is that supposed to mean?” my mother roared, obviously already knowing what he meant, or she wouldn’t be about to lose it on him.
“We ’ve been over this before. The reason I left you for her was that she had this draw to her. I couldn’t seem to let her go—”
“I know that. I don’t want to hear it again. You wanted her so damn badly you left me pregnant with a bunch of wedding invitations to rescind,” my mother said, interrupting him.
“Sweetheart, calm down. I love you. I was just explaining that Blaire has her mother’s charisma. It’s impossible not to be drawn to her. And she’s just as blind to it as her mother was. She can’t help it,” Abe said.
I stared at him in horror. Did he think that was it? Did he really believe that? I wasn’t in love with f*cking charisma. She was so much more. Didn’t he see that? Blind bastard.
“Argh! Will that woman never leave me alone? Will she always ruin my life? She’s gone, for crying out loud. I have the man I love back, and our daughter finally has her father, and now this. Rush goes and sleeps with this, this girl!” My mother was getting worked up, and I didn’t have time for her temper tantrum. I had to worry about Blaire.
“One more word against her, and I will have you leave,” I warned my mother for the last time. She was not going to disrespect Blaire in any way.
“Georgie, honey, please calm down. Blaire is a good girl. Her being here isn’t the end of the world. She needs somewhere to stay. I explained this to you already. I know you hate Rebecca now, but she was your best friend. The two of you had been friends since you were kids. Until I came along and ruined everything, the two of you were like sisters. This is her daughter. Have some compassion.” The reasoning he was throwing out there wasn’t going to work on my mom. She was as insanely self-centered as my sister.
“No! Shut up, all of you!” Blaire’s voice sent a blade straight through my heart.
No. God no, not yet. She wasn’t supposed to hear it this way. “Blaire.” I moved toward her, but she threw up her hands to hold me back. The wild look in her eyes as she looked right past me stopped me cold.
“You,” she said, pointing her finger at Abe. “You are just letting them lie about my mother!” she yelled. I had been terrified that she would be hurt, but the complete, out-of-reach coldness in her eyes was terrifying.
“Blaire, let me explain—” Abe started to say.
“Shut up!” Blaire roared, interrupting him. “My sister, my other half, died. She died, Dad. In a car on her way to the store with you. It was like my soul had been taken from me and torn in two. Losing her was unbearable. I watched my mother wail and cry and mourn, and then I watched my father walk away, never to return, while his daughter and wife were trying to pick up the pieces of their world without Valerie in it. Then my mother got sick. I called you, but you didn’t answer. So I got an extra job after school, and I started making payments for Mom’s medical care. I did nothing but care for my mother and go to school. Except that in my senior year, she got so sick that I had to drop out. Took my GED and was done with it. Because the only person on the planet who loved me was dying as I sat and watched helplessly. I held her hand while she took her last breath. I arranged her funeral. I watched them lower her into the ground. You never once called. Not once. Then I had to sell the house Gran left us and everything of value in it just to pay off medical bills.” She stopped talking, and a sob escaped her. Tears were streaming down her face, and my heart exploded.
I hadn’t known all of that. She had only told me a little. I wrapped my arms around her, needing to hold her, but she began swinging and fighting against me like someone who had lost her mind.
“Don’t touch me!” she screamed, and I had to let her go or risk her hurting herself. “Now I’m being forced to hear you talk about my mother, who was a saint. Do you hear me? She was a saint! You are all liars. If anyone is guilty of this bullshit I hear pouring out of your mouth, it is that man.” She pointed at her father.
I had kidded myself to think she would listen and let me explain. Her world was being turned upside down with this news. I hadn’t told her. I hadn’t wanted to see the look of pain in her eyes, which I didn’t know how to ease. But I had let this happen instead, and it was so much worse.
“He is the liar. He isn’t worth the dirt beneath my feet. If Nan is his daughter, if you were pregnant . . .” Blaire had been pointing at Abe as she spoke, but she stopped and moved her attention to my mother.
For the first time, she actually looked at my mother. And she remembered. She staggered back, and I wanted to reach out and hold her again, but I didn’t. She needed to get control on her own first. She didn’t want my help.
“Who are you?” she asked, as my mother stared at her with a haunted look in her eyes.
“Careful how you answer that,” I warned my mother, after I stepped up behind Blaire, just in case she needed me.
My mother looked at Abe and then back to Blaire. “You know who I am, Blaire. We’ve met before.”
“You came to my house. You . . . you made my mother cry.”
My mother rolled her eyes, and I tensed.
“Last warning, Mother,” I growled.
“Nan wanted to meet her father. So I brought her to him. She got to see his nice little family, with the pretty blond twin daughters he loved and an equally perfect wife. I was tired of having to tell my daughter she didn’t have a father. She knew she did. So I showed her just what he had chosen instead of her. She didn’t ask about him again until much later in life.”
Blaire’s knees went weak, and she gasped for air. Shit, she was going to have a panic attack.
“Blaire, please, look at me,” I begged her, but she didn’t respond. She kept her gaze on the ground as everything slowly sank in for her. I hated watching this. I wanted to order them all out of here so I could hold Blaire until everything was right again. But she needed this. It was out there. She wanted her answers.
Abe spoke. “I was engaged to Georgianna. She was pregnant with Nan. Your mother came to visit her. She was like no one I’d ever met. She was addictive. I couldn’t seem to stay away from her. Georgianna was still pining over Dean, and Rush was still visiting his dad every other weekend. I expected Georgie to go to Dean the minute he decided he wanted a family. I wasn’t even sure Nan was mine. Your mother was innocent and fun. She wasn’t into rockers, and she made me laugh. I pursued her, and she ignored me. Then I lied to her. I told her Georgie was pregnant with another of Dean’s kids. She felt sorry for me. I somehow persuaded her to run away with me. To throw away a friendship she’d had all her life.” When Abe finished his explanation, I realized that was the most I had ever heard him say at one time.
Blaire covered her ears and closed her eyes tightly. “Stop. I don’t want to hear it. I just want my things. I just want to leave.” Blaire sobbed, ripping me in two.
“Baby, please talk to me. Please.” I pleaded with her and touched her arms, needing some form of connection to her.
She moved away from me, but she didn’t look at me. “I can’t look at you. I don’t want to talk to you. I just want my things. I want to go home.”
No. No. No. I couldn’t lose her. No. She wasn’t leaving me. I loved her. She owned me. She had to fight for us. I needed her to fight.
“Blaire, honey, there is no home,” Abe said. I knew he meant to remind her that she had nowhere to go, but I wanted to bury my fist in his face. She didn’t need to hear that from him right now.
Blaire glared at her father. “My mother’s and my sister’s graves are home. I want to be near them. I’ve stood here and listened to y’all tell me my mother was someone I know she wasn’t. She would have never done what you’re accusing her of. Stay here with your family, Abe. I’m sure they will love you as much as your last one did. Try not to kill any of them,” she said in words laced with hatred.
Then she turned and fled up the stairs. I stared at her and considered locking her in my room and forcing her to stay with me. To listen to me. Would she forgive me then? Could I do that to her?
“She’s unstable and dangerous,” my mother hissed.
I stalked over to her and got up in her face for the first time I my life. “Her world was just ripped away from her. Everything she’s known. So for once in your life, don’t be a selfish bitch, and shut the hell up. Because I am ready to throw you both out and let you figure out a way to f*cking survive on your own.”
I didn’t wait to listen to her response, because I knew it would push me over the edge. I had to try to talk to Blaire without her father and my mother in the way.
I stood in the doorway of her room as she crammed her clothing into the suitcase she had arrived with only weeks ago.
“You can’t leave me,” I said, fighting the emotion clogging my throat.
“Watch me,” she replied.
The emptiness in her voice was killing me. That wasn’t my Blaire. I wouldn’t let this lie take her from me. My Blaire wasn’t so lifeless and cold inside.
“Blaire, you didn’t let me explain. I was going to tell you everything today. They came home last night, and I panicked. I needed to tell you first.” I wasn’t making sense, and she was leaving, but I didn’t know what the f*ck to say to get her to stay. Slamming my fist against the doorframe, I tried to focus. I had to say the right thing. “You were not supposed to find out that way. Not like that. God, not like that.” I was losing it. The panic and fear were hindering my thoughts.
“I can’t stay here,” she said. “I can’t see you. You represent the pain and betrayal of not just me but my mom. Whatever we had is over. It died the minute I walked downstairs and realized the world I’d always known was a lie.”
Her words were so final. How could I fight if she refused to give us a chance? Would she never be able to look at me any other way again? I couldn’t live in a world like that. One without Blaire.