Chapter 17
Rule
“Hey dude, happy birthday.” I traced a finger over the horseshoe on the headstone that I insisted on being there and cleared away the emotion that was clogging my throat. I didn’t come here enough but every year on our birthday I made sure to stop by and let Remy know I was thinking about him. It was hard, being reminded once a year that he wouldn’t be turning twenty-three right alongside me, that I was getting older and he was stuck in time at twenty, his life cut way too short. “I’m pretty pissed off at you right now. My life is all upside down and I can’t seem to find my footing and all the stupid shit I normally do to ignore the hurt and confusion just doesn’t hold any appeal. I don’t understand why you didn’t just talk to me, why you used Shaw the way you did and I really don’t get how you just let me act like a total a*shole to her for years and years knowing she had feelings for me. Well here’s a newsflash bro, I have feelings for her too and now things are so jacked up I can’t see any way to make it right. Everyone always gave me hell for being difficult, for being temperamental and complicated, turns out you had more going on under the surface than Rome and I could ever imagine and yet you were still the favorite. Isn’t that just a kick in the balls?” For the second time in a few short weeks I felt tears well up in my eyes. “Shaw kept your secret. All this time, even when things got intense between us she kept your secret. She loves you but she loves me too and I just didn’t know what to do with it so I got mad and I shut her out and as a result she got hurt and wouldn’t let me back in when that’s all I wanted. It sucks, love sucks and I feel like if you were here none of this would have ever happened in the first place so you suck too.”
There was no answer, just the sound of my shallow breathing and the wind moving the trees. I felt really alone for the first time in a long time and the loss of my twin was really pressing down heavily on me. The last month and a half had been rough; everything with Shaw had left me strung up and stripped bare. My normal response to that overwhelming flood of emotion would have been to drink my liver into submission and screw any and every girl that looked my way. Neither of those things had been on my agenda, booze wasn’t enough to make my conscious stop screaming at me that I should have tried harder, should have handled my shock and anger better and the idea of taking anyone to bed that wasn’t Shaw made everything I had below the belt freeze up. I was working a ton, trying to keep tabs on the situation with Gabe through Mark and Alex because I was determined to keep him away from her permanently even if she didn’t know I was doing it and I was spending a lot of time with the boys licking my wounds. Even though she had been so upset with me for trying to change to be better for her, I think I had affected some major changes on my own despite myself and that wasn’t bad. I was allowing myself to feel everything and while the feelings tied up in the failure of my relationship with Shaw burned at least I was processing them and not drowning them in bad habits.
I was getting ready to say goodbye when footsteps crunching on the thin layer of snow still covering the ground made me lift my head up. I felt my eyes narrow involuntarily and the corners of my mouth pull down when I recognized the figure making her way towards me. Every instinct I had was to get out there before she could ruin my day but I stayed put because she was looking right at me and for once there wasn’t contempt or hatred shining out of her eyes.
“Mom.”
“Happy birthday Rule.”
I cleared my throat because I had no clue what to say to her. I knocked my knuckles on the hard headstone and gave my brother a silent goodbye. “I’ll take off so you can have some time with him. I’m sure today is hard for you.”
I nearly fell over when she reached out a hand and put it on my forearm. My mom hadn’t touched me voluntarily in years and it was enough to stun me into silence.
“It’s hard for all of us but that’s not why I’m here. I actually called your work to see if I could maybe take you to lunch for your birthday. I figured you wouldn’t answer if I called your cell so I asked your roommate where I might find you and he pointed me here. I guess if I hadn’t been so busy trying to shut you out all these years I might have figured that out on my own.”
I took a step away from her because I was pretty sure aliens had abducted my mom and that this creature before me wasn’t real. The things coming out of her mouth were almost too much for me to take in. “Where’s dad?”
“Home. He’s working on getting through to your brother and after all that’s happened I needed to be the one to come to you. Can I take you to lunch or maybe for coffee?”
I didn’t want to go. I didn’t trust her or her motivations but it was my birthday and we were standing at my dead brother’s grave so turning her down just didn’t seem like a viable option or one I could live with later on.
“Coffee would be alright.” She gave me a smile that was sad, I mean really, truly sad and I realized for the first time that my mom had a dark tunnel she disappeared into as well, that maybe it was a trait I learned from her. We walked back to the parking lot in silence and I followed her back to Brookside even though all I wanted to do was keep in driving back to Denver. We stopped at the Starbucks I always hit up and I let her buy me a coffee while I settled into a semi secluded corner and stretched out my legs. I could tell she was nervous so I tried to relax and not be as guarded as I always was around her.
“I’ve been talking to a specialist. Your dad found someone here in town that deals with grief and family issues. I think it’s been really helpful.”
I blinked. “That’s a change.”
She smiled ruefully and I caught a glimpse of the woman who had raised me before our relationship had been tainted with tragedy.
“After the way things went at dinner your dad had reached his breaking point. It was go and get help or watch my husband of thirty-six years walk away from me. Dale has always been the only constant in my life, I wouldn’t make it without him and it took realizing how alone I would be if he walked out the door to make me see what I’ve done to my family.”
I could only stare at her in shock. I didn’t know what to say or do so I just kept sipping on my coffee and watching her.
“You asked me how I could love Remy knowing how different he was while I always had such a hard time with you and I want to try and explain things. It’s not an excuse, our relationship has never been easy, we’ve never been as close as I was with your brother and it started when you were both born. You guys were early which is pretty common with twins, only you came out strong and healthy bellowing your little head off, Remy wasn’t so lucky. He had the cord around his neck and was breech, it took a lot of work and effort to get him here alive and well so from the start I think I focused more on him than on you which makes me a terrible mother but didn’t mean I didn’t love you both. Remy breast fed, you wanted formula and when you were old enough to walk Remy held onto my fingers and tottered all over the house, you pulled yourself up using Rome as a lever and then just took off on your own. Your brother always needed me, always wanted me and you, well you were like you are now; independent, fierce and determined to blaze your own way in the world and I just let you go. Your dad and I both just let you slip away.”
I was having a hard time breathing but I was so focused on what she was saying that it didn’t seem to matter. “When Remy brought Shaw home I was so excited. He hadn’t ever shown any interest in any other girl meanwhile your dad caught at least a girl a week sneaking out of your window and we were starting to put the pieces together about him. I was convinced he was just waiting for the right girl and Shaw had it all, she’s lovely, well educated, comes from money it never occurred to me that she was too delicate, too broken down by her own family to be with someone as gentle and sweet as Remy. She needed someone strong, someone not afraid of all things that tormented her day in and day out so of course she picked you, she’s loved you forever. I saw it, your dad saw it and even with that we let Remy use her and snow everyone into thinking they were an item because it was just easier than dealing with the truth.”
She stopped fidgeting with her cup and met my stunned gaze. She had tears in her eyes which were nothing new, but these ones for once seemed generated by actual regret not overbearing anger and blame directed at me.
“The night of Remy’s accident he called me. I knew he was on his way to pick you up and I told him not to go, that you were a grown man that could find his own way home. He got really mad at me, told me I needed to get over whatever it was that kept me from embracing you, from loving you as openly and fully as I loved him. I got angry back and told him he had no place to lecture me on how I interacted with you if he was going to keep living a lie. We had a huge fight, it was ugly and I threatened him. I told him I was going to let you and Rome know exactly who their brother was and he freaked out. He hung up and left to get you and those were the last words I said to my baby.”
She was crying openly now and all I could do was sit there and let everything she said flow over me. “I said it should have been you; put all my grief and responsibility on your shoulders because I was too weak to be accountable for my part in what happened to Remy. Out of all of us you’re the strongest, you’re the one that handled it the best and it was easier to blame you than look at you and realize what I had done. You never loved me the way Remy did and the farther away I pushed you the easier it was to feel less guilt. I’m sorry I did it, you never deserved it. I felt like you were already lost to me so the idea of losing you wasn’t as crippling as it was with Rome, but I realize now you were never lost I had just shoved you as far and as hard away as I could because of what may or may not happen and that’s not healthy or acceptable.”
We sat in silence while I tried to work through all of it. I couldn’t just accept her apology, too much time and too many hurtful words and actions had been exchanged for that, but I could recognize that we were all human and prone to making careless mistakes with people that we cared about and try and work towards a resolution from there.
“That’s a lot to take in mom and I’m not sure what you expect from me after telling me all that.”
She swiped at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave me a rueful grin. “I don’t expect anything but I do want you to know that your dad and I are committed to putting this family back together, including Shaw. I know you’re mad she didn’t tell you about Remy but I also saw the way you two were looking at each other. I saw the way you were with her Rule and I know you have never been like that with anyone else. She has always thought that you were worthy and in need of love even when you did your absolute best to convince the rest of the world that you weren’t interested in being loved. I just think you should consider that before deciding to walk away from her for good.”
Was my mom, the woman that had made it her mission for the last three years to make sure I knew I was the lowest form of humanity trying to give me relationship advice? Was she seriously trying to tell me to try again with Shaw?
“She actually walked away from me. She told me that trying wasn’t enough, that she needed to know that I loved her for sure and I just couldn’t do that. I don’t know that we’re ultimately good for each other.”
My mom reached across the table and grabbed my hand that was resting by the cup. I nearly jumped out of my skin.
“She needs your strength and you need her to teach you how to love. She comes from a really awful group of people; Rule. She needs someone that can stand by her while she deals with that and you need someone that’s not scared of you, someone that can love all the different parts of you and not ask you to change any of them. She’s done it for years even if you didn’t know it. She was loyal to your brother, she kept his secret even though it caused problems between the two of you, and she’ll be loyal to you too.”
We sat in silence while her words washed over me. I just didn’t know what to say but I did know that things weren’t the same without Shaw in my life. The last couple months had been hallow. I didn’t just miss her in my bed, which I did…a lot, I missed her in the morning when I had breakfast, I missed hearing from her in the afternoon and sending her naughty little text messages that I knew made her blush, I missed her coming by the shop for dinner and hanging out while she did her homework. I just missed her and things weren’t as good as they were when she was around.
“I have to say this was one of the more surprising birthday’s I’ve ever had.”
“You deserve some peace and I need to be responsible for the part I’ve played in making it so hard for you to recognize true and honest to God love when it’s staring you in the face.”
“I need to go.” I pushed away from the table and looked down at her. I was grateful she didn’t get to her feet and try and hug me because I was nowhere near ready for that but when she offered me up a small smile I didn’t hesitate to grin back at her.
“Thanks mom.”
“You should have great things Rule, including a happy and whole family.”
“One step at a time mom.”
I was walking out of the shop when I almost plowed over the tiny brunette that had been checking me out the last time I was here. I grabbed her upper arms to steady her and let her go so I could move past her. What I needed to do, who I needed to get to was suddenly so clear it was the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew, just knew that if I could make it right the darkness wouldn’t pull me under anymore.
“Sorry.” I was going to move around her but she counteracted my move and put herself back squarely in my path. I frowned down at her while she batted long eyelashes up at me.
“No girlfriend this time, isn’t that just a shame?” I recoiled because this is what was out there, girls that would flirt with me, girls that would go home with me knowing I was seeing someone. It wasn’t enough anymore. I deserved better.
“I’m actually on my way to go get her now.”
The brunette tried to pout prettily but it did nothing for me.
“I would never have guessed you and Shaw would end up as a thing. She’s been frigid since high school and I thought she was in love with your brother. Doesn’t it freak you out being a replacement?”
Normally something like that would have made me see red, would have made my damn head explode but I got it now, this girl was nothing, her opinion didn’t matter and her misinformation was just laughable. I was done letting anyone, including a clueless stranger use Remy as a weapon against me.
“I gotta run. Next time I’ll be sure to go in the opposite direction if I see you coming.” She gasped in outrage but I didn’t care I was too busy sliding around her and sending a text to Cora to find out if Shaw was still hanging around her house. I wasn’t guaranteed an answer back because the girls had bonded and Cora was all for me staying the hell away from Shaw but maybe because it was my birthday she shot back that Shaw and Ayden had both worked a day shift today so they should be at the house. I would prefer to say what I had to say to Shaw without an audience considering Ayden wasn’t exactly my biggest fan right now. I was however willing to pick her up and move her out of my way if she didn’t let me get to my girl.
It was late afternoon by the time I got back to the city. I was glad I had taken the day off considering all the unexpected and life changing revelations I had been fielding all day. I was supposed to meet up with the guys for dinner and then I was having a pseudo party at Cerberus. Jet’s band was playing and all my friend’s and some of my regular clients were swinging by for a drink or two. It was lame that Rome was already gone, but we had grown so much closer while he was here I told him repeatedly I would just drink his share as well as my own so that he could be here in spirit still. All I knew was that it wouldn’t be any kind of celebration until I got to Shaw and told her what I had to say.
When I got to Cora’s house my nerves started to act up. If this was the last chance I had to make this work, if she still sent me on my way I wasn’t sure how I would handle it. There was a good chance that Shaw was going to break my heart and that was big and scary because I didn’t even know I had a heart to break before she came along. I skirted past a brand spanking new Porsche SUV and was relieved to see that Ayden’s Jeep was nowhere in sight. I could hear music coming from inside the house. She was listening to The Heartless Bastards and the sentiment made me chuckle as I rang the doorbell. I had to wait a good five minutes before the music went down and I saw the blinds next to the door twitch. I was proud of her for not just opening it without checking to see who it was, but my nerves ratcheted up even higher when after seeing that it was me she took another few minutes to pull the door open.
When she did I stopped breathing and forgot everything I wanted to say. She was obviously on her way out somewhere. She had on a super tight, super short black dress that made the green in her eyes electric and the pale blond of her hair glow around her head like a halo. I obviously interrupted her because she was bare foot and didn’t have any makeup but had her hair all curled up in a complicated style. She still looked so perfect it was enough to make my eyes hurt. The idea that she might be going on a date with someone else immediately crashed into all my hard won resolve and made my back teeth snap together.
“Hey.” It wasn’t eloquent or romantic but I was having a hard time not over thinking this and she didn’t seem to mind. She shivered in her almost nonexistent outfit and took a step away from the door.
“Come in. It’s cold out.”
I followed her into the house and was relieved when she went into the kitchen and pulled out a beer for me. It gave me something to do with my hands and a minute to get my head together.
“It’s not much of a present but it’s the best I can do on short notice. Happy birthday Rule.”
“Thanks, are you uhh headed out somewhere?” I let my hungry gaze travel from the top of her shiny head to the tips of her bright red painted toes; she was working towards being all healed up and looked like everything I ever wanted with a few bruises and bumps thrown in to remind me how close I had come to losing her all together. “You look very nice.”
She grinned sheepishly and twirled the ends of her hair around her finger. “I was getting ready to go out later.”
“Oh well I won’t take up too much of your time then. I just wanted to talk to you real quick.”
She leaned up against the kitchen counter while I took a seat at one of the kitchen table chairs.
“Ayden forgot about something she had to do for her I-Chem class so she won’t be back for a couple hours and Cora doesn’t get off until seven. We’re going to dinner.”
I was so happy to hear that she didn’t have a date with another guy that I let out an audible sigh that had her raising a pale eyebrow at me.
“What did you want to talk to me about Rule? It’s nice to see you and all but I have to say I’m kinda surprised you’re here.”
I wanted to tell her that I needed her, that I wasn’t the same without her, that she was my entire world but what fell out of my mouth was, “I had coffee with my mom today.”
I saw her eyes get big. “Wow. That’s huge.”
“She found me at Remy’s grave. I was alternately chewing him out and telling him how much I miss him. I go every year on our birthday. Did you know that dad threatened to leave her if she didn’t go get some help?”
She bit her bottom lip and it took every ounce of self-control I had not to climb up and replace her teeth with my own.
“I didn’t know that’s what Dale told her but I knew it was bad. They’re used to you pulling away but having Rome shut them out and refuse to let them see him off really did some damage. I’m glad it’s helping. You guys are a family, you need each other.”
“That’s the thing Shaw; I never thought I did until you. I never thought I needed anyone or anything until you got into my head and started breaking down all the walls I had built around all my feelings.”
We stared at each other in a tense silence. Until she sighed softly and uttered, “I’m not sorry. It’s not a bad thing to feel, it’s not awful to care about other people.”
I watched her carefully. I couldn’t tell how she was feeling and it made laying it all out on the line for her even more frightening. “No it’s not bad but it scares the hell out of me. I never had anything to lose before and losing you nearly undid me.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and I saw a myriad of emotions cross her eyes and face. “It undid me too.”
I shoved hands through my hair and met her gaze trying to let her see everything I was feeling. I wasn’t good at expressing this kind of emotion and it was frustrating me. “I want you to know that there’s been no one but you Shaw. You’ve got me running in circles and so wound up there could never be anyone but you. I miss you. I know you want undying declarations of love, I know trying isn’t an option that I just have to do it but I want you and I need you and more importantly I get that you need me too. Not some watered down synthetic version of me that makes being together easier but the fully leaded, hard to handle me that you can lean on because I’m strong Shaw and I’m not going to let anyone, your family especially, devalue all the wonderful things you have to give.”
I got to my feet and walked to where she was leaning. She had enormous eyes and I could see her chest moving up and down frantically with rapid breaths. She still hadn’t said anything so I pulled the pen I had stashed in my back pocket out and laid my hand out. “I’m not Jet so I can’t write you a song that makes you understand how important you are to me. I’m not Nash so I can’t find a building and paint you a mural that makes see that it all starts and ends with you for me.” She placed her hand palm up in mine and didn’t look away as I bent my head and began to do a quick sketch with the ball-point across her super pale skin. “I’m a tattoo artist, I’ll probably always be a tattoo artist and I don’t know how that plays into your future or the future you have planned after school and frankly I don’t care. This is what I have to offer you Shaw and just like you let me be your first, I’m letting you be mine,” I covered her entire palm with a detailed drawing of a sacred heart, it matched the one I had inked on the center of my chest. It had flames dancing up the back, a crown of thorns on top of it, a spray of roses along the bottom and in the center I drew a scrolling banner with my name in the center. “Here’s my heart Shaw. You have it in your hands and I promise you’re the first and last person to ever touch it. You need to be careful with it because it’s far more fragile than I ever thought and if you try and give it back I’m not taking it. I don’t know enough about love to know for sure that’s what this between us is, but I know that for me it’s you and only you from here on out and I can only promise to be careful and not push you away again. Life without you in it is doable, but if I have a choice I want to do it with you by my side and I’m telling you I’m not running away from the work it takes to make that happen. Shaw I’m not scared of us anymore.
When I was done I was breathless but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders because even if she rejected me at least she knew how I felt. I let go of her hand and she curled her fingers around the drawing that covered her palm. When I lifted my eyes to hers I was a little surprised to see tears shining in the emerald depths. She put the hand that I didn’t draw all over on the side on my face and ran her thumb over my bottom lip, pausing at the hoop. Her mouth crooked up on one side and just like that I knew everything was going to be alright.
“I was going to crash your birthday party tonight.” We were close but still separated by a few feet. I couldn’t look away from her and she opened her other hand and put it on my chest over where the heart matching the one I just gave her laid. “That’s where I was going later.”
“I would have been happy to see you.”
She smiled a little brighter. “I decided the other day that I had to stop deciding how things were going to happen before giving them a chance to play out. You shut me out Rule but only because I let you. I was so worried about what you were doing, about what would happen I just let you close the door and when you wanted to pull it back open I was so scared of how bad being without you hurt that I just didn’t want to give it space to happen again. That wasn’t fair to either of us. I’m not afraid of the work or us anymore either and I promise to not let you shove me away again. I do need you Rule and you are the only thing I have ever wanted just for me. I should have tried harder to hold onto you because you’re right, I need to be careful with this,” she tapped her palm with the heart on it against the one pounding under my skin. “It’s precious and the best gift I could ever ask for.”
I wrapped my arms tight around her and lifted her off her feet. I wanted to kiss her, wanted to do all the things I had spent two months missing out on doing to her, I wanted to make her forget Davenport’s cruel hands and imprint on her every single thing I felt about her but just as I was about to put my mouth on hers she pulled back and shook her head.
“If you start that there is no way you’re going to make dinner and your party with everyone tonight.”
She was right but I didn’t care. I had her and that was the only present I wanted. It must have shown on my face because she pressed a boring closed mouth kiss on my lips and wiggled out of my grasp. “I love you Rule, I really do and I have something I want to give you for your birthday but it has to wait until later when we’re alone and the threat of Ayden or Cora bounding in isn’t a likely scenario so go have fun with the guys. I’ll see you at the bar later and then we can celebrate in private.”
I pouted. That’s right I pouted like a little kid denied his favorite toy which in a way I was. We had been apart too long. I needed to touch her, needed to get my hands on her but she wasn’t cooperating at all. “Come on Shaw, just a little kiss. It’s my birthday and I missed you so bad.” I sounded whiny and not badass at all but I could tell she was about to cave in by the way she slithered a little closer to me but the moment was ruined when the lock on the front door jingled and a moment later Ayden came sweeping through in all her long legged, dark haired glory. She took one look at me and Shaw and grinned.
“Halleluiah! It’s about time you two idiots figured out that you were made for each other.”
Shaw laughed and shook her head. She gave me another brief kiss and moved away. “Tonight. I promise it’ll be worth the wait.” I begrudgingly agreed even though I still wanted to make out but she clearly wouldn’t be swayed and I had to admit my curiosity was peaked as to what kind of gift she wanted to give me in private. I went home and took a shower, a freezing cold one and got ready for the night. I didn’t want to drink too much because there was no way I was letting booze inhibit my reunion with my girl. I had never give much credence to the fact that being with someone you cared about making sex so much better but it was true.
The guys took me to the Buckhorn Exchange so we could gnaw on giant pieces of wild game like cavemen and act like a bunch of general jackasses and now that things were back on track with Shaw I felt lighter and happier than I had in months and they could tell. They all gave me shit endlessly about my chronic bad mood and advanced levels of dickheadness but I could tell they were relieved and grateful that I was back where I needed to be. Dinner was fun but I was ready to get on with night so I could take Shaw home and have some proper make up sex to cement this as the best birthday ever.
The bar was packed wall to wall with people trying to wish me a happy birthday. Even Uncle Phil had come out for the occasion. I accepted pats on the back and hugs as I looked for a particular blond head in the crowd. It took some skill to avoid shot after shot getting shoved in my direction but I managed to do it when I caught sight of a shimmer of white and black near the stage. Shaw was posted up front with Ayden and Cora and it irked me to no end that Jet was already at the table getting his flirt on with the beautiful brunette. Ignoring everyone else calling my name and clamoring for my attention I scooped my girl up even though she was in really tall heels and for once almost on a similar level with me and sealed my mouth over hers. I didn’t care that she muttered a startled protest. I wanted a kiss and it was my birthday so I was getting a damn kiss from this girl that was my world.
She wiggled a little until she could get her hands in my hair and I made sure it was worth her while as I stroked across her yielding tongue with my own. She gave a little moan and I moved a hand to her ass pressing as hard into her as I could until I became aware of the roar of catcalls and applause surrounding us. I lifted my head which left us both breathless and panting and was greeted by a standing ovation from pretty much every single person in the bar. I shared a shocked look with Shaw and we simultaneously burst out laughing. I took a brief bow with she curtsied making everyone else laugh along with us as she pressed back up against me to give me another kiss that turned my head to mush. The combination of a few beers, her soft mouth and that ridiculously short dress was enough to have me cutting out of my own party early. We hung out long enough for Jet to get on strange and sing me happy birthday and for me to instruct Nash to maintain a low profile when he came home as well as grab whatever gifts I had collected from people and then I was hustling Shaw out the door well before midnight.
We held hands in the truck on the way home and made small talk about what we had been up to in our time apart. I was glad to hear that she was pretty much doing the same things I was and that she was handling the situation with Gabe in a professional and no nonsense matter. She was amazing and I was truly lucky to have her as mine.
When I let her into the apartment I was ready to just drag her to the bedroom and have my way with her but she kicked off her sexy heels and padded to the kitchen to grab us a couple drinks. I was anxious and aroused but I didn’t want to push her so I followed her to the couch and took the beer she handed me. She sat facing me and reached out to put her hands in my hair. It felt nice but there were plenty of other places I wanted her hands so I asked her, “Why are you always playing with my hair?”
“Because you change it so much and it always feels different. This is the first time it’s all natural and I can’t believe how soft it is.”
“I thought you liked the hawk?”
“I do. I like it however it is but when it’s normal like this it makes you look more approachable.”
She seemed nervous which was weird. This was an area we had never had any issues with before so I wasn’t sure what to do to put her at ease. I clicked the neck of my beer against hers and gave her a lopsided grin. “Happy birthday to me.”
She smiled back and shifted so that her hair slid forward. “So I need to tell you something before you get your present.”
Her tone was pretty serious so my mind immediately went to all the worst possibilities, there had been someone else while we were apart, Gabe had hurt her worse than anyone knew and she wasn’t ready for intimacy yet, she didn’t really want to be in a relationship with me, she was moving to Peru and it took every single ounce of self-control I had not to freak out and ruin whatever progress we made today.
“Alrighty hit me with it.”
“It’s kind of embarrassing.”
“Shaw I’m dying here. Just talk to me.” She put her beer down and scooted closer to me on the couch which pulled the hem of her dress tantalizingly up her pale thighs. If she didn’t spit it out soon I was taking her to bed regardless and we could just hash it out in the morning. She put a hand on either side of my face and pulled me down so that we were literally eye to eye.
“All that stuff about being nice and trying to be someone different to make being together easier applies to the bedroom too, right?”
I felt my eyebrows shoot up and I tugged on her tiny waist until she was straddling my lap. “What are you getting at Casper? Just spit it out.”
She made a face and I saw her skin heat to a pretty shade of hot pink. “Nice Rule, the Rule that goes with this hair is boring in bed, I don’t like him. I just want normal Rule back and everything that comes with him. It’s been awhile so I just wanted to make sure we’re on the same page.”
I barked out a laugh and gave her a squeeze while working my hands up under the material of her dress to get a handful of her very bitable ass. “I can’t decide if I should be thrilled or insulted.”
She leaned forward so that our mouths were almost touching. “I just want you.”
I grunted in response and decided the time for talk was over. She gave a squeal of surprise when I climbed to my feet with her still in my arms. She shifted her legs so she was wrapped around my waist and twined her arms around my neck in a loose hold.
“The present giving can take place in the bedroom I assume.” She didn’t answer but instead started to kiss all along the side of my neck. It made my blood thunder in my ears and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the bed when her sharp little teeth clamped down on my ear and she started whispering every dirty thing I ever wanted to hear into my ear. I kicked the door shut with the heel of my boot and kissed her all the way down to the black comforter on my bed. Her legs parted and I found myself cradled in the only place I wanted to be ever again. I hooked a finger in her very tiny panties and striped them off. Had I known how little she was wearing under that short dress I wouldn’t have made it even half way through the party. We both groaned at the first press of skin on skin as she grabbed the back of my t-shirt and pulled it off over my head. We still had enough clothes that I could kiss her and kiss her, and rub against her with delicious friction while winding us both up to the point we were panting and straining against each other in the most enjoyable way. I was glad she didn’t want it soft and gentle, glad she could take whatever I threw at her because it had been too long and I felt like the top of my head was going to come off. I made a guttural noise of protest when she maneuvered free and pushed me over onto my back. Knowing she was naked under her dress had me itching to get my hands on everything that was damp and achy but she had other ideas.
She was messing with my belt buckle and telling me to take my boots off but apparently I was too slow to comply because she had it all handled and I was spread out below her in nothing but my birthday suit in no time flat. She turned her back to me and asked me to undo the zipper that ran from her shoulder blades to the base of her spine. I was eager to oblige her especially when all the black material covering her satiny skin puddled in a pool on the floor at her ankles. I ran my fingers along the pronounced ridge of her spine and was pleased to watch a trail of goose bumps follow in the wake. She looked over her shoulder at me and I felt my heart turnover at the mischief in her gaze.
“So I actually got your present a while ago, before we started having problems which was lucky I guess because now they’re healed and you can actually touch them.” She pulled her long hair up in one hand and turned to face me as my curiosity peaked because she had her arm across her naked chest which made her climb back up on the bed so that she was straddling my waist interesting and fun to watch and had my erection sticking up like a led pipe between the two of us. She dropped her arm and my eyes snapped as wide as they could. I was pretty sure I was drooling because while Shaw was the most beautiful woman in the world to me, Shaw sporting nipple rings, naked and on top of me was enough to make my brain short circuit and all remaining blood in my body shoot right between my legs.
“Oh man that is so f*cking hot.”
She laughed a little which turned to a whimper when I circled the cool metal with a finger. “That’s my birthstone.” The jewel in the center of the ring was a shiny, pretty bluish-green aquamarine, delicate and pretty just like her.
She hissed out a breath when I tugged on the ring softly and I saw her eyes droop a little in pure unadulterated desire. I knew better than anyone how much intimate piercings could enhance a sexual experience and I would make it my personal mission in life to show Shaw everything I had ever learned. She bent down for a kiss.
“Happy birthday Rule, I’m giving you me for now and forever and if you want to give me back I’m not going.”
I flipped us back over and kissed her like it was the end of the world, kissed her like we would never get to kiss again, kissed her like, well like I loved her and was never going to let her go. The slide of tongues and press of my lip ring imprinted on her how much I missed her. The bite of teeth left marks that let the world know we were claimed, the press of nails into tender skin had both of us breathing hard and by the time I got my hands between her legs and my mouth on that pretty jewelry decorating even prettier nipples we were both a wild tangle of grasping need and less than tender groping. I felt her nails break skin on the curve above my ass as I worked her into a frenzy with my hands and mouth but I wasn’t nearly done. We had been apart too long and the weeks before I was trying so hard to be something I wasn’t that I had tainted something that was amazing between us and I wanted to erase all of that, only my girl had other ideas.
“Rule,” She had one hand pulling on my hair and the other reaching between us in search of my cock that was throbbing insistently between our stomachs. “While I appreciate the foreplay and the fact that nice Rule is clearly gone if you don’t f*ck me in the next two seconds I’m going to scream. It’s been too long.”
Her eyes were bright and shiny and while I would have liked to get her off at least once before unleashing all my pent up sexual frustration on her it didn’t look like she was going to give me a choice in the matter. I grunted because her fingers curled around my dick and slid across the skin stretched tight by the barbells and my rampant erection. She wasn’t playing fair so I lifted myself up in a vertical push up so that I was poised at her burning hot entrance and let her guide me home. We both went still at the initial contact, the absolute perfection of the two of us together like this was just a lot to take in and we had to give it a minute to sink in. She hitched her hips up and I slid all the way in until both of us let out a different swear word. It wasn’t slow and sweet, more like frantic and wild but it was wonderful and so damn hot I thought we were going to burn each other up. The brush of the metal in her tight nipples made me growl every time they brushed against my chest and I could feel it every time the top ball on the head of my cock hit her * because her body bowed up and her breathing got choppy and wild. It was the kind of sex I could only have with her and when I felt her come apart around me I realized I might not really know what love was on my end, but I could recognize it so clearly shining out of her when she looked at me that I couldn’t help but feel she had to see the same thing when I looked at her. I picked up the pace felt her run her hands up and down my back and grab onto my ass and then shattered into a brilliant mess that I didn’t want to ever put back together.
She turned her head and kissed me on the temple. “Love you.”
I pressed my face into the curve where her neck met her shoulder and sucked the skin between my teeth. “I’m going to love you Shaw.”
Her eyes crinkled at the sides. “You already do.”
I didn’t have to say anything because I figured she was probably right. Me and this girl and spent too much time trying to be too many different things for too many wrong reasons for too many other people now it was just up to us to be ourselves for each other and love each other for all the right reasons. As she curled up next to me and threw her leg across my waist I knew that somewhere, somehow this is how it was always supposed to be and maybe just maybe this was a gift I could share with Remy because I was happy, Shaw was happy and ultimately that’s all he would have wanted for either of us.
Epilogue
8ish months later
“If you don’t lay still and quit wiggling around I’m going to stop.”
“But it hurts.”
“You always say that. We do this enough that you know exactly what you’re getting into. I’m almost done so stop complaining.”
“You could be gentler.”
“You don’t like it when I’m gentle. Seriously Casper you are the worst client ever which is a shame because all this white skin takes ink like a dream.” I glared at Rowdy as he peered over the short wall again and leveled him with a death glare. “If you don’t stop trying to get a look at my girlfriend’s ass you’re going to need to find a new job because I’m going to break all your fingers.” Shaw giggled and turned her head where it was resting on her crossed arms propped up on the she was laid out on the table before me. The current piece I was working on for her covered her entire right side from the base of her armpit to the bottom curve where her sweet ass met her thigh and everything in between. It was huge and graphic and arched all long her delicate rib cage. I still had about three hours of color and shading to add to it but since the canvas practically lived at my apartment I wasn’t worried about finding time to finish it up. But while I was working on it now she was practically naked, covered only by my hoodie and a very tiny pair of shorts. I knew the guys in the shop were digging the view, they always did when I worked on her, but it was hard to concentrate and keep the lurkers at bay at the same time.
Rowdy flipped me off but grinned in good humor. My friends loved Shaw, loved that she made me tone all my crazy down and became an easier guy to live with and be around. It was almost a year in and while I still wasn’t the easiest person in the world to get along with I was making real strides in at least being a more tolerable human being. “That could be the very best piece I’ve ever seen you do. Are you going to put it in your portfolio when it’s done?”
The piece was a very intricate, very colorful day of the dead inspired grim reaper. The face on the woman was beautiful and tragic and she held onto an exact replica of the heart I had initially drawn on Shaw’s palm all those months ago. Shaw had insisted on two things in the design, she wanted the sacred heart represented and she wanted it to resemble the grim reaper on my side. I never would have thought Shaw was going to get as interested in body modification as I was, but after only a month of us being an official couple she had asked me to draw her a bunch of tiny snowflakes in different colors of blue, gray and white. When I asked her why she said my eyes reminded her of winter and she wanted something to keep with her for always that reminded her of me so she now had a snow storm that started behind her left ear and trailed across the back of her neck to base of her right shoulder. It was one of my favorite places on her body to traced over with my tongue and loved not only that she got something that reminded her of me but that I was the one to put it on her. A couple of months after that she wanted me to draw her up a horseshoe with Remy’s name in it so she was also rocking a memorial tattoo for my brother that made me feel good every time I saw it on her inner arm when she hugged me or we held hands. The piece I was working on today was a hundred times bigger and more detailed that either of those, it made a statement and I had to admit I loved it, loved the design, loved that she trusted me enough to permanently alter her and loved that I was the one that was going to see it every day when she got into bed beside me.
I ran the paper towel I was using to wipe away excess ink and blood off of her over her hip and cleaned her up. I gave her a light tap on the ass and snapped off my gloves. “That’s up to Shaw. If she wants it in there I will, if not it’s cool.” I flexed my fingers as she swung her legs around the table so I could slime tattoo goo all over her and wrap her up so she didn’t ooze blood and ink all over the place until I could get her home. The hand that had her name inked across the knuckles folded up and brushed against her cheek as I snuck a kiss. As a professional tattoo artist I knew all the mojo and all the warnings about tattooing a significant’s name anywhere on your body but I didn’t care. I liked looking down and seeing her name there, liked when I held my hands next to each other our names were side by side forever on my skin. I had also had Nash ink a perfect little replica of Casper the Friendly Ghost behind my left ear so that I had something that reminded me of her in the same place she had something that reminded her of me. It was kind of cheesy but she thought it was sweet and the way she had showed her appreciation was enough to keep me smiling for days so who gave a f*ck.
“It’s beautiful. Thanks love.”
“So are you.” I kissed her again as she hopped of the table carful to keep all the good stuff covered up as she went into the bathroom to get dressed. She trailed a finger across the bald side of my head where I had it shaved. The mohawk was back at alternating intervals and she hadn’t been lying, she never cared what my hair looked like and long she could get hands in it our around it she didn’t care what style it was or what color I picked for the month.
Rowdy shook his head and gave me a sour look. “You are one lucky bastard Archer.”
I laughed and started to clean my station up. “I know it.”
Things weren’t always perfect. We were still two very different people on two very different paths but we always managed to take time and work it out. The trial against Davenport had been hard because I hated watching her have to relive it all and there was just too much influence for him to get as harsh a sentence as he deserved but she stayed strong and even when her parents had encouraged her to just drop the charges and let Davenport’s dad deal with him she had pressed forwards and done the right thing and Gabe was getting punished just not as harshly as any of us would have liked. Her parents weren’t any kind of fan of our relationship but once it was clear that Shaw and I were a package deal or they weren’t welcome anywhere near her they had relented slightly. Personally I think it was guilt from the attack and their general shitty parenting that kept them paying her tuition and begrudgingly accepting me in her life but I didn’t care because I was there to protect her from them so whatever the reason as long as they behaved it was all good or at least good enough.
Things with my folks were better, not perfect but better. My mom and I had reached an understanding, we were never going to have the close relationship she shared with Remy but we at least could talk now and I had even gone along to a couple of her therapy appointments so I had a better understanding of how she was wired. Much to my surprise we were far more alike than I had ever imagined. Shaw and I made it a point to go back home every Sunday for brunch again but now I was an active participant and it was one of my favorite times of the week. Unfortunately Rome was the Archer brother being difficult now. He still refused to talk to mom and dad and he only thawed toward Shaw when I let it be known that if he didn’t I was going to beat his ass when he came home in a couple months. Things were rocky on that front, he felt lied to and betrayed but I had faith that if I could see the light than my brother who was already a way better man than I was would come around eventually.
Shaw came out of the bathroom pulling her hair up into a messy ponytail. Cora turned from the front desk to scowl at her. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me for that a*shole. I’m going to miss you so much.”
“Ahh I’m going to miss you too girl but I’m never there and I’m sick and tired of having my stuff in two different places.” Shaw was moving in with me and Nash this weekend. We had put it off even though she was there five to six nights a week because I didn’t want to burden Nash. It was my best friend that finally told her over breakfast one morning that if she agreed to do most of the cooking then she was welcome to just move in. We were both grateful because I liked our place, it was super convenient for work and I really didn’t want to move or ask Nash to leave. The three of us got along great and Nash was gone enough nights that we never really got on each other’s nerves. The girls were bummed she was going and I knew she was really going to miss Ayden and Cora, but they hung out enough and declared every Thursday girl night that I wasn’t worried at all about her regretting her decision.
Cora screwed up her face looking like an angry Tinker Bell. “I just hate the idea of moving a stranger in. You and Ayden were like the perfect roommates ever and after what happened to you I don’t trust some random stranger off the street to move in.”
Shaw sat in the chair I had vacated to clean up and I hid a grin as she sneakily ran her fingers up the inside of my thigh. Nash looked up from the owl he was working on and looked back and forth between me and Rowdy. “Isn’t Jet coming back from tour soon?”
“Yeah. So what?” Artifice had hit the big time, booking a slot on Metalfest and tapped Jet’s band Enmity be on the opening stage for them. He had been gone for over six months and while he was on the road the girl he had been shaking up with had hooked up with some ex con so Jet was out on his ass but we all just figured he would crash with Rowdy or one of the other guys in the band.
“You can rent the room out to him.” Nash said it like it was perfectly reasonable. “He’s cool with Ayden and he’s always on tour our whatever anyway. I bet he would be a good fit.”
Shaw and I shared a raised eyebrow look. Jet was cool with Ayden, in fact they had developed an independent friendship outside of the rest of us that often left us all questioning how close the country girl and the metal boy were. They were close but so opposite it was hard to understand how they ever had anything to talk about, if anyone asked me Jet moving under the same roof as the dark haired beauty was just asking for trouble, or a really good time depending on how you looked at it. I cleared my throat and reached out for Shaw’s hand.
“My older brother will be back in a few months too. He’s gonna need a place to crash until he figures out what he’s doing. That might be another option you want to consider.” Cora nodded and turned back to whatever it was she was messing with on the computer. “You ready to go home?”
I loved asking her that. I loved that she knew I loved asking her that. She smiled at me and gingerly reached up to give me a quick peck. I knew her side had to be hurting her. Four hours of getting drilled was a lot and she normally sat like a champ, still as stone. I was going to put her in a hot shower and make her feel all better.
“Yep.”
We walked out of the shop hand in hand and headed toward the Victorian. She liked to run her thumb back and forth across her name on my knuckles and it never failed to make me smile.
“Do you want to put me in your portfolio Rule?”
I wasn’t expecting that question so I looked at her in surprise. “Why do you ask?”
She shrugged. “I dunno. You put all your really big pieces in there, I just didn’t know why you would want to leave this one out.”
I wrapped an arm around her neck and pulled her to me so I could kiss the top of her head. “Because those are work. I put them on people and then they go out into the world where they are hopefully appreciated and loved by other people. Anything I do for you, anything between us isn’t work and it’s for you and I to appreciate. When I work on you I do it knowing what I put on you will be with us forever. Like I said if you want it in there I’ll be happy to put it in, but if not then I’ll be happy to be the one to admire all my handiwork every day.”
She stared at me in silence for a second and then burst out laughing. “You give the most backasswards compliments in the world but that was lovely and you’re absolutely right. The only person that I really want to see it is you.”
I growled and tugged on her hair. “That thing covers half your butt cheek. I better be the only one looking at it Casper.”
Her green eyes glowed in a way that only I could make them. “I do love you Rule Archer.”
Every time she said it I had an easier time telling her, “I love you back” and that’s all it was. I didn’t have to question, didn’t have to worry, didn’t have to fall into the tunnel of darkness because whatever Shaw felt for me I just gave it to her back and knew that was enough. I didn’t have to try, I just did and every single day I did it better than the day before.
“So what about Jet or Rome going to live with Cora and Ayd?”
She snuggled into my side as we approached the Victorian.
“I can’t wait to see how that plays out.”
I snorted. “That’s what everyone said about us.”
“And look at the show we gave them.”
“True enough and opposites don’t just attract they freaking catch fire and burn the entire city down.”
“Don’t I know it.”
Whatever was on the agenda I knew one thing. If any of my boys were lucky enough to find a girl that made me feel the way Shaw did I would do whatever it took to make sure they saw it through to the end. Love like this wasn’t to be missed even for those of us that had never realized it was out there. Look at me being all optimistic and shit.
Remy would be so proud
The End
Ayden and Jet’s story to be continued…..