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We had sex again after the DVD of Silver Linings Playbook was over.
I should have been raring to go. I love that movie – especially the way it ends. The look on Jennifer Lawrence’s face in the last shot is the way I want to feel when I’m in love.
Unfortunately, I didn’t feel that way now. In fact, the movie was kind of a dispiriting contrast to my current feelings.
As I went through the motions, I refused to think of Derek. I was tired of the guilt, and I resolved not to go there again.
When Kevin moved to go down on me, I stopped him.
“Just hold me,” I whispered. “I’m going to miss you… I just want you to hold me.”
So he did. We cuddled, and it was nice.
And this time I didn’t have to hate myself as I fell asleep.