37
I won’t go into the rest of the evening in detail. We talked a lot. It was pleasant.
The only bad moment I had was when he asked, “Why isn’t she supposed to go to the 40 Watt?”
Panic.
“Because… because the guys she picks up there are always dirt poor and want to crash here instead of their place.”
Again, not technically a lie.
If you took the first night she met Derek as your only example.
Kevin got an alarmed look on his face. “Oh, good. I’m glad you told her no, then.”
Relief flooded over me, even as cold currents of guilt pulled at me like undertow.
I fixed him some instant mac and cheese. He’d been planning to eat with me, which made me feel even more guilty, even though I reminded myself that he’d never told me he was coming in the first place.
Eventually we began to make out.
Which led to sex.
I’m not going to lie: I did it because it was expected of me. And I did it because I felt guilty. And I did it because to not do it would have provoked a terrible fight, and made him angry and suspicious and impossible to be around.
It was nice, though. I enjoyed it. Like when he kissed me earlier, having sex with him felt familiar and safe. It was… pleasant.
I didn’t mind that he only lasted a couple of minutes, though.
We lay in bed talking for a good half hour – about Syracuse, about the next year, about our future together. Then we started kissing again. This time he went down on me without being prompted. I told you he was very considerate.
Normally I like oral a lot, but I wasn’t feeling it tonight. I could tell he was getting frustrated by my lack of response. I had two options: I could either fake an orgasm – which I was horrible at, and which would raise red flags – or I could actually try to have one. I know it’s really, really bad of me, but I’d fantasized before about other men when I was having a hard time getting off. Channing Tatum. Ryan Gosling.
This time… I thought of Derek.
I thought of him between my legs. I thought of me gripping his hair as he kissed me, licked me, pleased me with his tongue. I thought of feeling his strong hands caressing me, watching his broad back and the muscles rippling under his tattoos…
I came pretty quickly.
Afterwards Kevin entered me, finished, and drifted off to sleep. I lay there next to him, tears staining my pillow, hating myself for what a horrible person I had become.